Missing mum’s death

[SunAndSea37]

My lovely mum just died of cancer yesterday. I am devastated. She had lost capacity very gradually over 8 months and was in a care home, over the weekend they thought it might be time to put her on palliative plan but then decided not to as she was still drinking a little. By Monday night her breathing was getting shallow and she’d stopped drinking so we started the plan, I sat with her and said a long goodbye, hugged and kissed her (though she was not conscious/unresponsive) then left about ten PM and was preparing for a long vigil over the next few days with my family.

The care home called at 9.20 the next morning just as I was getting ready to go back to say she’d stopped breathing. I really would have got back there sooner if I’d known how close it was. I am having a really hard time getting over the fact I wasn’t there, I also didn’t go see her body in the home as I didn’t want that memory of her and she was gone but I feel so detached from it all, I’m wondering if I should go see her in the chapel of rest now instead. FWIW mum was very private and dignified and probably would not have wanted us to see her die or her body. Both my Nan and aunt passed after others had gone as well. Can anyone relate? I know the main thing is I was there all the time through her illness and nearly to the end but it’s so hard knowing I missed it then had her body collected.

Some people choose to die when they’re family have left. It’s a very common thing.

You can always go and chat to her in her closed coffin at the chaple of rest.

@SunAndSea37 Firstly, i'm very sorry for your loss, its a dreadfully hard time.

Secondly, I would recommend finding the thread in bereavement titled 'very supportive thread after losing a parent' or similar, its a very kind place where everyone understands how you feel xx

I'm sorry you weren't there when you wanted to be, bear in mind that timing of death is unpredictable and often it seems that some people 'hold on' until they are alone, you could have been there and literally popped out for a moment and still missed it.
It sound's like you were supportive and loving during your Mums illness and I'm sure she knew how very loved she was, right till the end.
With regards viewing in the chapel of rest, there's no right or wrong. Perhaps if it brings you comfort or opportunity to say any final words then think about going. If you would prefer to remember your Mum as she was in life or you think it may disturb you then dont. Its a very personal decision.
Take care of yourself and do search out the bereavement thread I mentioned xx

I was going to say the same about it being very common for people to take their last breath when their loved ones aren't there.

After my Mum died, I didn't know whether to go in and see her. My sister didn't want to, but I decided I would. Personally I am glad I did. All the pain and strain had gone from her face. She looked 'at peace' - which I'd previously thought to be just a saying, but I felt it really applied. I am so glad I did. But then, my sister was equally happy that she didn't, so I don't think there is a right or wrong.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I was with my Mum when she died, but not my Dad, and it upset me a lot not to have been there with him. I understand how you feel OP, I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s really hard losing a parent however it happens.
It is, as pps have said, very common for people to wait until they are alone, to be able to ‘let go’ and slip away. Your Mum would have known that she was loved by you, she would have heard you before you left. All the love between your whole life was still there with her, that didn’t change just because you had gone home to sleep. Even if you had been there she might have chosen the few minutes you needed to pop out of the room. Please don’t feel as though you should have been there or that you let her down. Death is unpredictable and nobody can sit with someone for days, people need to sleep.

Thank you so much everyone. @FunnyCrabDance I will check out that thread now. It just feels really odd not having been at the care home at all that morning and her going off to the funeral home by herself, but I think my brain might be zeroing in on this as a bit of trauma response and in time the bigger memories of everything we shared will come more easily. I did want to be with her but there was just no way we could have known that would happen (and I suspect you’re right that she may have hung on til we were gone.)

This happens to so many people, and I truly believe it is for a reason. Seeing someone pass can be a very difficult thing and very upsetting, so I am sure that somehow they wait until they are alone to pass, saving all the heartache.
I realise that may be not much consolation to you but its something I have come to believe now due to it happening so much.
I am sorry to hear about your loss and send you much love xx

My mum died at 58, after a very short illness from a brain tumour. She had it removed surgically but it regrew almost straight away so she wanted to come home to die. I sat by her side virtually 24/7 unless she had another visitor for 10 days or so.
On the day she died I was sat with her, the phone rang (landline in those days!) I went downstairs to answer it, and I did hear her take a noisy breath as I went down the stairs. Took me probably 90 seconds to dismiss the person on the phone, and when I went back up she had gone. It’s really seems to be a very common thing to wait till you’re alone to die, I felt guilty for ages (and cross with the telephoner!) but like you, I was there for her beforehand which is much more important.
Sorry for your loss.

Please remember that you may not have been present at the time but your heart was with her. .
I sat with my mum in the chapel of rest, the coffin was closed and a framed photo that we’d taken there was on top. I found it really comforting saying everything that I wanted to say to her but hadn’t had the chance. I have the photo in our house now and often tell her little bits of news about our family.
I’m so sorry for your loss, remember your mum as she was throughout your life.

I’m so sorry for your loss, please be kind to yourself. As others have said, it’s very common. -my friend kept a 24hour vigil with her sibling, and her mother died in the 2 minutes she went to the toilet on her watch. She was so upset at herself for ages until she got some counselling and they explained it’s an unexplained phenomenon but well known and many people experience it - especially as you say your mom was deeply private and probably wouldn’t have wanted you there. Try to think of it as adhering to her wishes.
as for seeing the body, I think only you will know what will help you. For some it’s better not to. For others it’s peaceful closure. No right or wrong answer.

I left my lovely dad in his hospice on nye at 10pm after we’d had chicken sandwiches and San Miguel beer together. Said ‘see you tomorrow dad’.
He died at 5.40am the next morning. I wasn’t there 🥲. I know exactly how you feel OP, it’s horrible isn’t it. Sending love.

I had that with my dad. We sat next to him in hospital taking turns for days. The one point there was no one there, he died.
I swear he was waiting for a bit of privacy to go! Its a long time ago now but the nurse said that it's quite common. And not to beat myself up. I took that to heart and decided not to.

I’d go see her body. My mother was in a bad way and the hospital released to home. My sister (a doctor) told be to come as I live abroad but didn’t think it was imminent so I arranged to fly out a couple days later with my kids as they were about to start half term. I arrived and she had died while we were in the air, and they had already removed her body. I felt bad I hadn’t been there to say good bye, and I really wish I could have seen her, because it felt so unreal, like she was just out for a bit and return home. So if I could do it again I’d want to physically see her for closure.

Very common OP, sorry for your loss x My mum waited until I fell asleep on the camp bed next to hers and died in the 40 mins I was dozing at 5am. She had only just died when I woke as she was still warm and looked exactly normal, but I still got out of there as quick as possible knowing she would quickly start to look different... I wouldn't advise going to see your Mum now, keep the memories as you have them x

Very common OP, sorry for your loss x My mum waited until I fell asleep on the camp bed next to hers and died in the 40 mins I was dozing at 5am. She had only just died when I woke as she was still warm and looked exactly normal, but I still got out of there as quick as possible knowing she would quickly start to look different... I wouldn't advise going to see your Mum now, keep the memories as you have them x

I’m a nurse and do end of life care so regular and it really is true and not just a phrase of comfort that they do often feel comfortable enough to pass when alone ❤️ you said yourself your mum was a dignified person so take comfort in that, that she went on her terms when she chose to, to spare you from seeing that. You were there for the most important part when she was making her transition to eternal peace and that’s what truly matters op. It’s most likely that you being there before she went, gave her enough comfort to slip away peacefully on her own terms and don’t think about her doing that alone if you think that’s what she would have wanted. Your mum wouldn’t want you to feel guilty or think what if so remember her as a proud dignified lady that loved you right until the end 💐

On the other side of it my mum died in a hospice last year aged 57 so I was forced out of my professional mindset and I’d always ask if someone could sit with her whilst I took a few minutes and was always told I’d popped out loads and she was still here so clearly wanted to pass with me there. My mum was very anxious and my sister has a learning disability and she always worried about what would happen with her if anything happened to her. In the end she’d been holding on for 5 days post withdrawal of intubation in icu and I told her over and over again that my sister was with me and safe. On the day she died, I just wanted it to end for her and I said ‘ffs mum, go be at peace now with your dad, I’ve told you over and over insert name of my sister is fine, she’s with me and that’s where she’ll always be now, so you can leave us now, go back to your dad’ and with that my lovely mum made a sigh and took her last breath. I will always remember it and hugely take it as a sign they hold on until they’ve seen someone or are sure before leaving. I’d reached the point of loving her so much and not wanting her to go through it fo a day longer. During the grief process I also told myself that immeasurable painful grief is a reminder of immeasurable love ❤️

My Dad was diagnosed with very advanced cancer, and as I was trying to organise a lot of care for him and expected to be by his side for his death. He passed very quickly in the end. I wanted to be there for him as he died. He passed with other family around and I was 5 minutes short of being there. Like you, I did sort of say my goodbyes the night before and went home to sleep because he looked like he had a few days left (I left during the agitation/restless stage). Looking back though, I think my dad passed with the people around him he would have felt most comfortable letting go with, and I think he'd have found it hard with me there. I told him he didn't have to carry on suffering for us and that we'd look after each other and we loved him, so maybe he felt I didn't need to be there as I had said my goodbyes. Maybe your mum was happy with what was said and felt the time was right for her?

I know of other people letting go once the room is empty. I think it is quite common. I would concentrate that you were there for the most part and that is what matters.

Thank you so much for sharing these experiences. What a lot you’ve all been through and I’m so sorry for all your losses.
@CheshireCat1 that is a great suggestion and I think that’s what I’ve decided I will do, as it’ll help me accept she’s gone but also respect her wishes.

@user665178392470 my mum also passed from a brain tumour, it’s an awful disease. I can imagine you were very cross with the person on the phone!

@Dustyfustyoldcarcass it’s so hard to say isn’t it, I was googling her breathing pattern and everything seemed to indicate a few days, it sounds like he had lots of love around him at the end and was lucky to have you

@DarkLion that is a beautiful story, I also told mum her sister had passed away so she could go be with her and I think it made a difference. It’s so tough watching them suffer, in many ways I’m glad it was quicker than I expected.

more generally I’ve realised things like her brain surgery she did alone (it was during Covid) and that must have been much scarier than this as she wasn’t conscious anymore, but she wasn’t bothered by that at all, so I will keep that top of mind.

So sorry for your loss , losing a mum is so tough. I personally wouldn’t recommend going to the chapel of rest, my mum died fast during the first lockdown went into hospital with. Huge bleed on the brain was perfectly healthy before hand this was 4pm and 6.45am the next morning she died. I went to the COR because I was in absolute denial but honestly it’s haunted me for nearly 6 years