Estranged DF died 3 day ago and I am lost

[Hospitalvisitguilt]

DF was quite old, and died after week in hospital. I saw him before he passed.

Prior to that, the last time I saw him was 3 years ago As an adult I visited on an ad-hoc basis. Always initiated by myself always pleasant.

My parents divorced as a child and access puttered along and just stopped. He was absent from my life. I did not have a fully formed relationship with him. He was not a bad man but he was absent.

DM emotional gatekeeping. DM threatened not to attend wedding if DF was invited. I had no choice at the time. DB has no contact with DF since a teenager.

I have so many mixed feelings and numbness. I have the image of him lying there after he passed (I was able to get to Hospital) and I feel nothing.

My DM has mellowed but has been insensitive. I think she is emotionally immature and alway has been.

What hurts the most is the sharper focus it brings and what rubbish parenting I’ve had, even as an adult (general advice and sharing special occasions/life events) I’m now questioning the parenting of my own children. I hate myself for some things I recognise I may have repeated. I have a supportive DH of 20+ years. I’m feeling scared that I maybe messing my kids up without even realising it.

I’m so sorry for your loss
it’s hard because, whilst you may not be specifically grieving him, the man he was, you are grieving the loss of the father daughter relationship you never had, and now never will, and it’s stirred up a lot of soul searching.
I also feel I’ve repeated things and parented at times in ways I wish had been different, but we all just do the best we can, in a way we’ve been taught in the environment that shaped us. I’m sure if you were doing anything drastically wrong your DH wouldn’t have let you carry on. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

@YouDriveMeCrazyButICanDoThatMyself thank you for your kind words
This is true it’s the relationship and on the edge my DM an DB dynamics. I feel so protective towards my DC - I have a DS and DD

I have experience of some of the events you have been through. In my case my father was more than ‘absent’ he favoured my younger sibling and made this very obvious. He made contact very difficult and told family friends he feared being ‘rebuffed’ - he was the one doing the rebuffing.
we were estranged when he died a year ago - his choice. He was a bitter and difficult person.
my mother had separated from him many years before but herself has emotional difficulties (to put it mildly)

look after yourself your feelings and emotions are likely to be mixed. I was quite shocked to experience kindness from colleagues who bought me a plant but also accepted when I briefly explained it wasn’t a normal relationship. Looking back this was a comfort to me.

I think I have done ok with my own dc (young adults). Generally if a parent genuinely explores and reflects on how they are doing as a parent, this is a positive thing. In my experience absent or avoidant parents don’t question themselves in this way.

@Nomorecoconutboosts
thank you for your reply and insights. Yes similar themes, except my Dad was nice to visit with but then radio silence in between.

Passive rejection? That’s how I have seen it. There was never anything nasty said or bad words from my DF

My DM on the other hand had plenty negative things to say about him and about me if I made contact - even as an adult. She mellowed in later years but was incredibly insensitive just after I’d stood by his deceased body at the hospital.

My DB is very quiet and deep a does not speak only minimally and I resented having to be the one to tell him DF was in hospital. As they had no contact.

I suppose I’m grateful I had contact with loving grandparents but then again my DM was able to partially sabotage my loving memories of my DGF by slating him after DGM died and then him. She couldn’t separate her bitterness- I was still a v young adult. At this point with no contact with DF so my DGF was the nearest thing I had and he was always wonderful to me.

I never expected DF passing to stir up so much stuff.

Work are likely to do a collection and I’ve thought I don’t want it what will I say - it’s confusing