I found out dad died via text

[Copenhagener]

My wonderful dad died yesterday. He was only 64. Glioblastoma. He was ill for about 2 months.

I live in another country from my parents, and I found out he died many hours after it happened; via a text from my mum. My mum and I have a complicated relationship but finding out this way was awful.

I saw it in the middle of a meeting at work.

I feel like I didn’t matter and just traumatised. My sister hasn’t even reached out (we haven’t spoken in years but she was there). I asked if I can come fly out but didn’t get a reply. I feel so alone and not part of the grief.

My mother said there won’t be a funeral.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you are going to have to find a personal way to grieve and remember your Dad.

A text was thoughtless and no response to arrangements/visit is pushing you away but given your relationship it sounds like they aren't going to attempt to try harder to include you.

Do what you need to do.
Fly out, pronto, to see your deceased father if you need to do that.
Don't be dictated to by your mother and sister; you had your own relationship with your father. You don't need permission.

Be kind but go if you want.

I could cry reading that. I'm so very sorry.

You must do what feels right for you but you need some information about whether you can see your Dad if you want to. If there is no funeral then consider how you would like to remember him. You could have your own memorial service perhaps, or dedicate a place to him.

How incredibly hurtful. Have you taken time off work?

I’m so sorry, what an awful shock for you. Do what you need to do in the short term so fly out if you want to, it’s not up to your family to say you can’t. Would you be able to visit him in the funeral home, if you want to do that make sure you let them know in advance so they are prepared. In the medium/longer term you might want to organise a small ceremony of some sort for you to mark your loss, maybe with some close friends.

Wow that’s so hurtful. Sorry for your loss OP. I would try and ascertain where he is right now (presumably a funeral parlour) and fly back to see him. Are you in a position to meet up with the rest of your family, you must have so many questions. Take care, take some time off work and do what you need to do, not what others dictate.

I did too, 7am text mum died at 3am. My two sisters had been to the care home and her body was already at the directors... Same town and they arranged the funeral and kept me away from it and her, families...
Edited for corrections

I am so sorry for your loss and your family cruelty. Is there any family friend or someone you could ask what is happening.

You do not need their permission to fly out there.

It’s up to you if you fly over, not them. If you think it will help you process the loss and grieve. You should do what you think is best for you.

I would say though that if you are in little contact with the family for a very long time, then you may not have been at the forefront of their mind as they struggle to come to terms with a family loss. I also am low contact from a family member and I do understand that it will mean I am not as readily included in things. That’s just how it is. Hard finding out this news by text, but if you have a complicated relationship perhaps making a phone call to you didn’t feel easy for her, while she’s also in shock and grief. Things aren’t black and white in reality.

@Copenhagener , I found out dad died via text Me too. Only one sibling.

Sorry for your loss.

Kindly. You are estranged from your family , we don't know the reasons but maybe they couldn't deal with you as well at a very traumatic time for them . They told you , the news is shocking however it is delivered. You knew he was very Ill.

Celebrate his life in your own way. Take some flowers down to a river or sea , say something just for you and him . I'm sorry it's very hard

This is so painful. If he temped to fly out and see him in the chapel of rest and say your goodbyes it might help with the shock too x

I agree with this - as hard and horrible as it is for the OP

So sorry to read this, relatives can be heartless in their communication even if you get on well. I have also been informed of close relatives deaths by texts in the past so I know what a shock it can be to receive.

You don't have to ask permission to go and visit. If you can find out which funeral parlour is being used you can communicate directly with them.💐

I can see this happening if dh dies. We are virtually no contact with his ds who lives in Oz...I've never met him or spoken to him. His sister has no contact either.

I'm sorry you found out that way.

Personally, I don't think text, WhatsApp or other social media/online messaging is the most appropriate way to announce the death of a family member. I think that if I can't see them in person then the next best way is by a personal phone call. If I can't get hold of them then I will leave a message asking them to call me at an opportune moment but I would not want to hit them with such news via text or other messaging.

Fly over and visit your father at the funeral directors if you feel it would help you. You don't need your family's permission to do that, surely.

Like a previous poster I feel this is how I will have to tell my brothers when my dad dies, they are very LC / no contact with dad and NC with me. What would you have preferred OP? I’m sorry, your dad was far too young.

At a time like this, it says an awful lot about your mother and sister, and it’s not good.

I’m so sorry for your sad loss 💐