New house has really triggered my grief

[Rednorth]

I lost my dad suddenly and unexpectedly 5 years ago last December. I had been dealing with the grief in that time relatively ok but buying first house with DH has been a massive trigger and I'm a mess .

My Dad was a typical working class bloke who showed his love through practicalities. Any problem I had with houses we rented he'd be my first call for advice, he'd talk me through fixes and if it was too big a job, would turn up on my doorstep tool box in hand.

Our new house has so many little problems like leaking taps, broken extractor fan etc. Things he would have come and fixed before we'd even moved in. I know he's not here anymore but my brain keeps forgetting everytime I discover a new issue - I keep reaching for the phone to ring him. Then reality finally kicks in and I just sit on the floor sobbing my eyes out.

I want to be able to do these things myself, because I know nothing would make him prouder. But even just thinking about having to solve these issues myself hurts so much that I'm just in a constant state of paralysis. Like somewhere deep in my subconscious, I'm holding onto the notion its all just been a bad dream. That one day soon, there's going to be a knock on the door, and there'll he'll be, tool box in hand ready to save the day once more.

Anyone have any advice how to navigate myself through this? The longer I hold off dealing with these issues, the more complex (and expensive!) they're going to be to fix...

It’s so hard when your brain keeps forgetting isn’t it. I have a house plant that I was given for when a close family member died and I keep it in the kitchen. I find it helps. Maybe you could have something like this. Or a plant, or bench in the garden? Something to see, and to anchor you? And visit his grave, take flowers. And with the diy jobs, you could start just by spending some time this evening watching ‘how to’ guides on you tube. Just watch them.

Ah OP I am so sorry for your loss. Your Dad sounded amazing. I think Starlingsintheloft
offered you great practical advice.

Its horrible isn't it. No advice but just wanted to say that I can relate to this.

My lovely, wonderful Mum died 5 years ago too. Also suddenly and without a chance to say goodbye.

My eldest DD, her grandaughter who she adored, is getting married and it has triggered me massively. I keep thinking about how much she would have loved being part of all the planning we are doing. I keep wanting to call her to ask her opinion on something then it hits me that I can't. I was doing okay until all the wedding planning started and now it all just feels so sad because she should be here, all excited and happy and helping us plan. Somehow it just feels so wrong that this wonderful happy event will be happening without her.

I have no advice, but I just wanted to say you are not alone. Grief sucks.

OP I do sympathise. My DM died 14 years ago last November and even now I still occasionally think 'Oh I'll have to ask mum about that'. Sending you hugs.

No advice, just understanding & big hugs. I'm further along the path than you 16 years & don't do it very often now, but there's still the odd time. I miss him so much.

I had only just bought (alone) my place to renovate (&he was keen to help!) then he died suddenly. Doing the house alone has been hard (especially emotionally, but also physically & financially)

I hope your DH is understanding xx

Op, I completely relate to this. I lost a parent 2 years ago, and Jesus it has gotten worse, rather than better in some ways. It is so so difficult to accept I won't see my parent ever again. It is always worse when I think about it deeply, so tend to try not to. We have redecorated and gotten some new furniture which makes me sad knowing Dad will not see these changes. It is difficult, as it felt comforting imagining dad sitting in a chair he used to, and now it is all changed around. I don't know how I will feel if we move, and he cannot come see the new house. It is shit isn't it?! I don't think I'll ever come to terms with life and death, and how someone is just gone like that off the face of the earth.💐x

Maybe you could put a nice picture of you and your dad in your new home, knowing he is always with you, no matter where you are. Just know he would be so proud.

My dad died many years ago but I’m still very aware of his absence and what he’s missed seeing - he never met my children, or even been in the last six homes I’ve lived in ! He was very much a doer and I’ve reframed the feelings now as « wouldn’t he be proud of me putting up these shelves ».

It’s a long road but acceptance does come