Feeling a bit miffed at ds comment

[slet]

I lost my dad last spring after a short and brutal illness. It was a very difficult time and I have struggled.

in the summer months after he died, I was constantly ill. I needed 4 sets of antibiotics as I kept getting infections and I had a strong allergic reaction to penicillin which came out of nowhere.

last night we weee talking about a football match in the summer and my Ds who is 15 said that he’d really loved last summer and listed all the things he’d enjoyed doing including two trips we went on, he said it was the best one he ever had.

i felt really strange hearing him say this. I wasn’t annoyed at him, as I’m obviously pleased he has happy memories, but it was a sort of cognitive dissonance for me as all I remember from that summer is feeling sad and unwell. The gp said all my illnesses were probably just part of my body’s reaction to my bereavement. My DS was very close to his grandad and was very upset when he died, but it just struck me how different his memory of that time was from mine.

not sure what I am asking really I just had to get it off my chest!

Stop for a min.
Give yourself a pat on the back.

You were sick feeling crap and mentaly working your way through grief yet you were there for your son.
That is a good thing.

Wouldn’t you feel worse if he’d had a bad summer too? He’s 15 and it’s not his dad.

He had that great summer because of you. Because you held it together through a really tough time. You should be proud of yourself xx

Sorry for your loss OP. Losing a parent is very difficult and I was very upset when mine died even though they were both elderly and it was expected. It must be even worse when it is sudden. I'm sorry that you have had such a bad time. Teenagers are different though, and even though he was close to his grandad it's not the same as losing a parent. When our Mum died my sister and I both felt guilty about how little we had really understood about her grief when her own Mum died when we were teens. It wasn't until we were in the same position that we truly understood. It's not that we were horrible uncaring kids...it's just different. It's a different relationship and teens experience the world differently. I'd say your DS's reaction sounds pretty normal to be honest. His comment was a bit insensitive it's true and in years to come he may well realise that, but I'd say it is normal for a youngster of his age.
I can understand that you would be a upset by his different perception of last year but as others have said I think it's good that despite your own grief and illnesses you managed to take him to enjoyable events and that he has happy memories. He's processed his grief differently which is OK. Neither of you is right or wrong. I hope things improve for you as time goes on.

Thank you for your replies and helping me get perspective on this. Still grappling with parenting a teenager!

Children sometimes have an amazing way of compartmentalizing things. Him remembering the summer as happy doesn’t mean he didn’t grieve his grandad, just that he found light in other things.

Death of a grandparent and death of a parent are two completely different things in my opinion.

I agree with this. I realised too that I hadn’t appreciated the impact of grandparents dying on my parents at the time. I only realised when I lost a parent myself, and realised what they must have been going through. I had exams at the time too so probably compartmentalised the grand parental grief.