Those who's child has lost a parent, how are they doing?

[Rosie67]

Hi everyone
My mum has stage 4 breast cancer, and I have a 7 year old sister.
I'm not only grieving for myself I'm grieving more for her! I keep thinking her life will be ruined she won't be the happy bubbly girl she is.
To those who have a child who has lost a parent, how did you break it to them? How are they doing?

Adults think so much about the future which I guess kids don't think sooo deeply about but I'm just so sad for her

So sorry to hear about your mum.
I lost my mum a few years ago and so had to tell my dc about their granny being ill then passing away.
I’d advise building up with small bit of information- she is very poorly, the doctors won’t be able to make her better etc . Don’t give unrealistic hope that she might get better as it’s worse in the end.
We also did a nice memory box at a later date.
Make sure your sister totally understands. Too many people use confusing phrases- they have gone to heaven/ live in the sky which kids will be confused by.
There are charities that specialise in bereaved children.
Good luck and I’m really very sorry you are in this position.

My son was 3 when my husband died. You have to be very clear with your language so they don’t misunderstand. “Yes, daddy died. That is very sad. How do you feel?” Let them work through their emotions in a safe place. Speak with the school. My son’s primary school was able to offer counselling even a couple of years later which helped. But there are occasional trigger points as they get older eg mother/Father’s Day and counselling can help.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
My ex husband died last November of metastatic stomach cancer only 5 months after starting being ill. Our son is 12, he misses his dad terribly. He’s lost his spark and joy and doesn’t sleep well anymore. He’s very matter of fact about it all and doesn’t show any emotion, which I worry about because he’s always been a sensitive and emotional boy. He’s starting grief counselling tomorrow which his school were able to refer him for. He’s not sure about it but I think it will really help him. Much of his dads time of being poorly he was in hospital as the nature of his cancer meant he needed artificial feeding so they never got chance to make any memories, spend quality time together in familiar surroundings etc.
I have been helping with a lot of the formalities even though we’d separated 8 years ago. We were still good friends, and I miss him too. I haven’t really even come to terms with him being gone myself so don’t really feel I’ve been a good support to my boy.
I just can’t get my head around a 12 years ago old never seeing his dad again :-(

My dh died two years ago, we have three dc. Children deal with grief very differently to adults. It’s called ‘puddle jumping’, they feel what they feel and then move on. So sometimes they’re absolutely fine and then they’re in the depths of sadness. There are different organisations that support children and it’s well worth getting in contact with them. Your sisters life won’t be ruined, it will just be different to how you imagined it.
The hardest thing is to support children in grief while you are grieving so you may make sure that you have support for yourself too.

winstonswish.org/

This is a charity that supports children with terminally ill parents. They were great hopesupport.org.uk/about/

My children were 4 and 6 when my DH died unexpectedly. It was tough. My son skeptic in my bed for four months. I think he thought something might happen to me. They both went to the funeral and I was straight about what happened. My father had dyed just a few months before so they had some knowledge of what it all meant.
So, they are now 20 and 22. My son fur sure has felt the lack of a father more than my DD. Coupled with the impact of the pandemic which arrived as he turned 16, it was when I really felt the lack of a good male role model. I do think he has been permanently affected, but he does successfully live on his own, has worked part time since 16 (one place even during lockdown) and full time since he was 18.
My DD has coped well and I don’t see any long term impact. Is this because we are both female? Yes that’s a big part of it. Also while there are exceptions, losing a mother has a bigger effect than a father overall.

Excuse the typos!

Be honest. My hubby died very suddenly at home. Our child was 4. She saw the paramedics. So I was open with her and said daddy had got ill, the paramedics had to help him but they couldn’t.

please, please, please reach out to Cruse bereavement support and Winston’s wish. Both amazing organisations that support bereaved children.

our child has coped well BUT only because I have worked so bloody hard to make that happen. We do lots of positive memory work, we have a memory box, memory book and daily routines that include him. It’s helped our wee one massively.

im so sorry you are going through this. Love and strength to you all