How to support family after a sudden death loss

[OnePercentBetterEachDay]

An acquaintance has lost her partner very suddenly and very unexpectedly. I don't know the detail of how he died or exactly how old he was. Probably 50ish and previously in good health as far as I'm aware. I don’t know her well at all, but I do know that they were happy together and I know that both she and her wider family will be utterly devastated by this loss.

Obviously I don't want to intrude on what will inevitably be a very difficult time, but I do want to show support in any way that might be genuinely helpful. I will stick a card through their letterbox, but is there anything else that might be appropriate?

Do people generally welcone flowers at a time like this from people that they don't know that well, or are they likely to end up with too many and perhaps find them a burden? (I'd get flowers already in a vase if I got any at all, as I know people often run out of vases and/or don't have the energy to sort things out.)

I often see stuff about people delivering cooked meals etc for bereaved families - I would be more than happy to do that, but again, not sure if people would really want to eat something cooked by someone they don't know well and that might not be to their taste etc? I could check on dietary requirements pretty easily so that wouldn't be an issue. I also think it's likely that she will have family and friends around to help with a lot of the practical stuff.

Basically, I'm not interested in performative gestures that might make me feel better while not actually being helpful to the bereaved family at all, but this woman has previously shown great kindness to someone close to me, I'm shocked by what has happened and I would like to show that I care and offer somd support in any way that might be appropriate without being in any way intrusive.

Any insights would be appreciated from anyone who has lost a partner or other close family member. If the insight is that it would actually better to butt out and leave those closest to the bereaved family to provide any support that they need, then that's fine - I don't need to insert myself here at all. But if there might be something that I could usefully do, or offer to do, or some other way of at least showing that there are people around who care, then I would like to be able to do that.

TIA

Tbh id stick to a card. This isn't a close friend. I got loads of flowers and they were just another 'job" to do. I did appreciate all of the cards though.

Thank you, that's helpful.

I agree. A card with a nice message.

Flowers can be just something else to “deal with”

I have not experienced the loss of a partner, but I’ve lost both parents and a child, and I found it so moving and important to hear from people - even people who weren’t particularly close to me. It felt like I still had a place in the world of the living somehow, and it was so touching to know that colleagues and friends of friends were thinking of me.

I wouldn’t have wanted full meals, but I did find it hard to eat, and I also had a lot of people visiting and dropping by who I needed to provide with snacks. So it was really helpful that some friends dropped off biscuits or banana breads or bagels that I could nibble on, and offer to other people.

Thank you, that's a very useful insight. I'm so sorry for your losses.

hi, I was the bereaved wife in the exact scenario.

I'd say that what you offer depends on how well you know them. My good friends brought me milk/cereal, food etc as I literally couldn't leave the house for a good while. Colleagues/other friends got in touch with sympathy messages. It's all a blur.

cards/flowers are all kind and show you care. You can perhaps message and say I'm off to the shops, can I pick you up something.

one of my pals organised a new mattress and bedding for me, someone else came and sat with me at difficult times, and best pals checked in regularly. One friend came over with a lunch I remember, and it was a supermarket salad and cheese & crackers - it was so amazing to eat something fresh and colourful, as we'd been eating cereal and toast for ages.

If you send flowers, please include a vase - not many people have more than a few and then it's a hassle.

Thank you so much for sharing your insights. I'm very sorry that you were in this position but glad that you had good friends around you.

I don't know this woman well at all, but I do have reason to feel grateful towards her for the kindness that she and her late partner previously showed to someone I care about. I will definitely send a card and perhaps some fruit/snacks or something like that.

I probably won't do flowers as others have suggested that they might not be the best idea, but if I change my mind on this, I definitely won't be sending any that aren't already delivered in their own vase.

Its so tough, especially if its sudden.

I would speak to her closer friends and see what they recommend.

Seconding @butteriesplease on the salads and fresh foods thing - a friend brought around fresh carrot and coriander soup, and a massive punnet of berries and that was amazing. You do get by on stodge and carbs for a long time when you’re grieving, and just getting some colourful fruit and veg feels amazingly nourishing.

Thank you. I probably wouldn't really have thought to take fresh fruit or salad but that makes a lot of sense.

Someone dropped off a cake for us when we were bereaved. Seemed a bit odd but as PP has said, it was most useful both for us having a ‘bit of aomething’ when we weren’t hungry, and something to offer visitors. Cake is my go to now.