Help me navigate two huge losses

[IsaDrennansoitis]

Hi, I have name changed for this as our situation would be obvious to anyone who knows us.

I lost my mum 8 weeks ago, she had dementia and slipped away in her sleep.

At the time, my FIL was battling cancer, he had a late diagnosis and passed away last week.

After my mum died I was left to sort everything out - I do have siblings but I seem to be the organiser/doer so it fell to me. At the time I didn't mind as it kept my mind occupied.

I felt like I needed a break after it all, just a night away. I kept saying to DH will we go away? He was non-commital and it just didn't happen. And I know some will say "why didn't you just book it?" Due to the nature of dh's job, I couldn't do it without him sorting out his end.

I kept on making dinner, walking dogs, keeping the house, looking out for the in-laws - I went back to work and life went on. I got on with it.

And here is where I need help - Dh has went to pieces after his dad's death. (I know it's only been a week)

He can't concentrate, he does half of something then sits and stares into space. His mum is great, she has been organised and has sorted the paperwork and other essentials.

I keep having to prompt him in the middle of tasks and then he gets annoyed.

I guess I feel like I didn’t have the luxury to sit and stare into space and not get on with it after mum passed - but I need to get over this and stop comparing.

He's a good husband, a good son, a good father to our grown up children (who have also had huge losses in two of their grandparents who they were very close to)

I know we're both grieving, with his loss being more recent, and I don't want to upset him any more than he already is.

We've been married 30 years, we usually get on very well but right now I am struggling.

I don't know if anyone else has been through something similar and might be able to offer advice?

Thanks for reading

I'm so sorry you lost your mum and your FIL in such a short time.

I'm afraid I'd be incredibly resentful if I specifically asked my husband for help and he didn't help, then needed help himself.

Hi op, I'm sorry for your losses. My mum died really quickly after a cancer diagnosis. My mother in law then died and my father in law was diagnosed 5 weeks later with cancer and died 13 weeks after her. What I will say, is everyone grieves and is affected by grief differently, and we don't choose how we grieve. It's very early days for your husband and you. I actually think becauae I was like you, the doer. I delayed my grieving and it hit me later.

I'm guessing from you saying you done everything after your mum died and mention of siblings, your dad wasn't with her anymore or has maybe died. I found it easier when my mum died because I had no one else to worry about. When my mother in law died, myself and dh were so worried about fil who had been with her 60 years.. Maybe this is something also affecting your dh.

I'd just give it time and be gentle with both of you. Your dh not arranging to go away maybe was because in the back of his mind he felt it wasn't the best time with his dad being so unwell. Once the funerals over and you both feel ready you could go somewhere?

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

When I found out someone close had a terminal illness, I felt like I was wading through treacle for two weeks- it's shock. It definitely took me about two weeks to orientate myself.

Your both need time and space to grieve x

I'm so sorry for your losses, but please don't resent someone for grieving differently from you.

He needs space to deal with this HIS way, just as you deal with it by Doing Things.

Hi, no, my parents haven't been together for over 20 years.

My siblings are all older than me, grandparents and it was me who took on the bulk of the paperwork, Funeral arrangements as I'm just more organised and I guess after so many years it's the role I have within the family.

I'm sorry for your loss too, life can be very cruel.

We live next door to in-laws, but they'd retired to another country years ago. MIL has returned there as she can't cope with the memories here but dh has to face it every day.

Thanks, I don't think I resent him at all for grieving differently. It's more the fact I felt I didn't get the space I needed.

I always thought (as mum had dementia) that he felt well, she wasn't really playing a full part in our lives anyway. She was in a care home and I visited multiple times a week. She may have had dementia but she knew her children's voices.

It felt like I should just move on. I loved my FIL like he was my father, (who I've had no contact with for about 10 years)

We're moving through it now thankfully. We had a good talk and a cry with each other and we're together too long to let this come between us.