did I comfort her or upset her?

[mumonthenet]

dd had told me that it was her friend's dad's birthday yesterday - he died of a heart attack six months ago totally unexpectedly at the age of 42 leaving 3 kids. I took dd over to their house for some social arrangement.

I said to friend's mum, i know it's charlie's (her dh) birthday today and I just want to remember it. I gave her a kiss and a hug. She said yes. She looked stricken.

I felt awful having brought it up. Though I know that she gets some comfort from not forgetting her dh, I kind of feel uncomfortable that I might have intruded on her grief. I don't want to do that. I feel so sorry for her though I know that there is little I or anyone can do for her.

She keeps going for her children I suppose

You will get expert advice soon but my personal feeling is that you were spot on in mentioning it and being willing to acknowledge it. I think you did the right thing.

I would think that it is better to mention it than not to.

How awful for them all.

you did something instinctive to comfort your friend

i am sure she was thinking of it too, which is why she was upset, and not because of anything you said

From my experience the fact that people still mention the existence of deceased LO's is a great relief to parents etc. As much as it may bring tears to there eyes, it is worse if the husband/child/parent is simply never mentioned again.

no, it was deffo his birthday, that part was not wrong.

Just felt awful, one minute she was functioning well organising the kids, then as I left I just remembered it was his birthday and said it.. she looked so sad.

I don't know her that well but see her often cos of the kids' activities. I feel she's functioning on automatic pilot most of the time.

My friend lost her brother when she was a teenager and she said recently that it upsets her when her brother is not mentioned, when people pussyfoot around talking about him. She feels that he was a part of their lives for almost 20 years and it feels disloyal to disregard him.

The first anniversary, the first birthday, the first Christmas, these "firsts" are the worst so your DDs friend's mum was probably feeling a bit raw yesterday.

You acknowledged their loss and offered sympathy and a hug. I think that you were right to act s you did.

I'd have wanted you to mention it. Obviously it will bring the tears, but it's better than thinking your loved one has been forgotton. Well done you!

I think you did exactly the right thing, there is nothing worse than people pretending the dead never existed. You might have caught her off guard but there is nothing wrong with what you said and I would have done the same thing.

But then, when I was at school and a girl in my class had her father drop dead whilst getting dressed for work, I was sent to deliver her card (rather than her dearest friends ) and ended up expressing my condolences to her mother. This I had not planned on but I still think it was better than doing and saying nothing.

Sometimes crying is better than not crying.

I was widowed 12 years ago when DD was very little. I positively loved people to acknowlege his birthday and other significant days. It was so good to know that others remembered him and honoured his life, even in the tiniest ways. My very good friend (you know who you are) is the only person aside from my Mum, Sister and his Mum who still remember. She never fails to let me know she's thinking of me DD and DH even after all these years and it means the world to us.

You did the right thing. I'm sure of it. Perhaps you caught her off balance as she wouldn't have expected you to know but I'm sure she wouldn't have been upset because you mentioned him.

I'm not an expert but do know that saying someone's name reinforces the fact that they were alive. I have only worked with children who have been bereaved and this is usually a good thing.

thanks for moral support.

I did feel that it was not the wrong thing to do ... though, yes I caught her off guard, and the look on her face kind of haunts me. I'm sure she's thinking about him every minute and, as smug says,

sometimes crying is better......

Georgie, it was the same situation as your friend's dad, he was preparing for work, and the kids getting ready for school. Aged from 15 to 3 yrs.

You did the right thing. It is so awful when it feels like the rest of the world has moved on and forgotten about your loved one.

thanks, again.

with love to all the bereaved.

Having been a widow, I would say that you did the right thing.

I lost my daughter 2 years ago when she was 14. If anyone came up to me on her birthday and aknowledged it I would be very moved. Happy is not quite the right word but I would be touched and glad. People do forget and move on but we dont. We dont want to 'move on'. I tell complete strangers about my daughter because I want everyone to know about her. My best friends and the people I feel most comfortable with are the ones that talk about and let me talk about Billie. The others? I dont bother with them.

I personally think you did a very good and brave thing. I hope the lady in question thinks the same. The problem is that people think that when we get upset, they have done something wrong. Its not like that. Its complicated.

You are right chegirl, it would probably have reduced me to tears but I would have been pleased.

I feel so uplifted by your replies, and if I have brought an iota of comfort to that poor mum I will be pleased.

Chegirl I looked at your pic of your cute daughter. She looks simply adorable. I have a dd of 16 - born in April 92, and I cannot imagine being without her. I don't know what to say but to send you my love.

Thank you for your kind words x Cherish her (I know you do but forgive me for reminding you no offence meant).

Sending love and understanding to all those on this thread missing someone special x

Chegirl
What a gorgeous girl, you must be so proud of her. She looks so open and friendly in that picture.

Very sorry for your loss.

My DD was born on 27.4 (in 2002) I will give her an extra big hug when I pick her up fro Kindergarten today.

Your daughter is beautiful, Chegirl.

You did exactly the right thing. When it is my sons birthdays and anniversaries 'remember days' there are still a few people who will text or ring or visit and say 'just wanted you to know we are thinking about you.' It makes me heart beat faster and I cannot help but smile. She will have felt sad but she would be more sad if you hadn't mentioned it.

It is still very early days for her. You did the right thing

Thank you again for saying those nice things about my Billie. See I will take any opportunity to tell people about her!

That kind of proves what we have been saying doesnt it?

We will never ever ever ever forget. I dont think we expect people to feel the same as we do but it is lovely when they make the effort to remember x

You showed her warmth and kindness, even if she was shocked at the time, I'm sure later on that day she would have taken comfort from it.

Fwiw I would have done the same.