I don't know how to be

[firebrand123]

My mum and I were estranged for around 7 years, then I had a phone call on Christmas day to tell me she'd gone into hospital for one thing and while they were resolving that they found advanced, aggressive cancer. I went to see her on Boxing Day, then had a call on the morning of the 28th to say she was deteriorating so I went back (it's a 3.5-4 hour journey each way) and she passed that evening. She wasn't well enough for us to speak but it did feel like a reconciliation of sorts.

Now, I'm just really struggling. I can't get myself out of bed, I don't want to eat.. I have no siblings but do have friends to help me with the practical things, that just all feels overwhelming as my dad passed away (he lived abroad) in January and his affairs are still being settled.

I'm off work but only have one more day of bereavement leave left as I used some when dad passed.

I just don't know how to be, in myself. I can't bring myself to get up and do anything but I feel bad that I'm just laying in bed.

I know I'm just rambling here, but I don't know what else to do.

I had a very similar situation recently. For the first couple of weeks I was fine as long as I didn't allow myself to feel. Since then it's been a rollercoaster of emotions from sadness to anger to numbness to acceptance then back to anger again. It's a cyclical process. The main thing to know is there isn't a script. Take comfort in your friends and things will resolve eventually.

Big hugs to you! I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. You need time to process the surprise of it all and your unresolved feelings. As PPs says, these things take time and there's no format/script.

Can you use sick leave? This week, at least, there is the BH on 1 Jan and the weekend so you could have several days off consecutively?

At least you have an idea of the 's-admin' required to start dealing with your mum's funeral and estate. Let your friends help as much as possible: dog walking? child care? shopping? contacting your mum's friends/wider family?

Thank you. I think a big issue for me is I'm constantly judging myself.. if I stay in bed am I self indulgent, if I do something "normal" like get up and watch TV am I being cold and unfeeling.. this is all hangovers from my relationship with my mum. @Andthatrightsoon I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's reassuring to hear how differently people react. Maybe I need to focus on that to help me stop judging myself.

@tarheelbaby My dad's passing was very different as he was in a care home with advanced dementia for some time and his finances were looked after by a trustee so I haven't had to navigate the system directly, other than when I organised his funeral. My friends do have some knowledge of the processes though and they are being huge supports already. I'm just usually a very independent person so it feels weird to have others so things for me.

I may need to use sick leave but I have a big project starting at work so I really need to be there too. It's hard to balance everything...

I think some counselling will really help you when you feel up to it. Grieving an estranged parent will be complex and conflicting and I’d guess you’re feeling very mixed emotions.

There is no script. Take every day as it comes and just do whatever comes to you and you feel you can manage.

I have this coming, and I know it will be equally hard. Been estranged for years, and you did so well to go to her before she passed. That must have been incredibly hard. Have you even spoken to anyone professionally about your estrangement? It may be an idea to try, the (almost certainly wholly unnecessary) guilt and reconciliation on top of your bereavement might just be too much to handle alone.

@GreywackeJ I think you're right. I probably need to work up the energy to contact the employee assistance plan at work.

@PineappleCoconut I did have counselling earlier this year and we talked about our relationship. It helped, but it also barely scraped the surface. I probably need to try again.

I’m sorry for your loss. Regardless of the relationship I think grief still hits and shock too. I feel your pain in your OP. Give yourself permission today/ to be indulgent. Warn blanket, binge tv, hot bath - if you are able. Sick leave would be a good idea. And sound counselling too. Does your work have any EAP provision ?

please look after yourself. This will
be pressing buttons internally that are out of your consciousness right now.

Sorry that’s a bit bluntly written. I hope the message and care comes over. 🌺

@bigsoftcocks please don't apologise, I felt the care. Thank you. And tagging your username has made me smile through the sadness 💘

I had no hunger for two weeks after my Mum died. I just drank lots of tea. Look after yourself xx

This happened with my mum when her dad died. She hadn’t seen or spoken to him for more than 25 years but she received a letter in the post from her mother advising her dad had died.

She cried everyday for two weeks. I think it was the shock and the memories of her childhood when he was a decent person that she was feeling.

Just feel how you feel, without judgement of the feelings.

This is all I feel like doing too. It helps to know it's not just me.

@bushproblems I'm sorry your mum had to experience that. Thank you for sharing ❤️

Hi OP. You’ve been in my thoughts for some reason, which never happens about threads I read on MN. Hope you are doing ok

Thinking of you, OP. I had similar, around this time of year, a few years ago. I couldn’t eat for ages. It’s ok to feel as you are feeling. Please contact Cruse in the NY if you want to talk it through. Just to say it’s normal to question your routines, to question your childhood, grief does that.

See how you get on at work, you might find it a good distraction but you might also feel distracted. Go easy on yourself. Sick leave might help. You are allowed to be indulgent, you are carrying a heavy emotional load.

Sending care at this difficult time.

Thank you ❤️ I'm not really ok, but I'm doing my best. It helps a lot to be thought of.

Thank you @BackyardBanshee
I hadn't heard of Cruse but will take a look.