How to help myself when supporting grieving dad

[Cheerfullydesperate]

My mum died eight weeks ago, very suddenly with no warning at 83. She was fit and well and had no preexisting health conditions.
We are a close family and all devastated, as it was such a shock. My main difficulty now is supporting my dad while grieving myself.
My dad is really struggling. He doesn't acknowledge my grief, saying that you get over the death of your parent. I am trying very hard to support him, including spending nights at his house away from my own family as he is so lonely and finds it difficult to make evening meals for himself.
However I think this is making my own grieving more problematic for me, as I can't show any upset when around my dad and end up weeping upstairs quietly on my own. I'm also struggling when at home.
I do truly feel terrible for dad and recognise that losing my mum is more significant to him as she was his life partner and soul mate. Most of the time I'm more upset for him than about my own loss.
Does anyone have any advice for me on how to support him while also dealing with my own grief?

I‘m so sorry for your loss @CheerfullydesperateI’m hoping someone with experience will be along in a moment but didn’t want to read and run. Are you able to tell your Dad gently that you are grieving too? I’m not sure there’s a hierarchy and, even if there is, losing your Mum is every bit as significant as losing your partner. It must be so difficult but give yourself permission to grieve. It’s not all about your Dad. He may even find it helpful to be able to cry together.

lots of love to you and hoping someone comes along soon with better advice xxx

When my mum died suddenly, it was the first time in my entire life (47 years) that my dad didn’t put me first and comfort me and I was the one comforting him. That was a shock in itself, I really never thought it would be like that. In fact, I had never really thought about how grieving for the remaining parent would be at all. I’d never had cause to worry about my dad for one second before he was widowed and now I was not only mourning my mum but worrying about him too. It was tough.

My advice would be to talk to him. He knows you are grieving too but is just utterly devastated at the moment. Let him say what he needs to say, talk about your mum together all the time and cry and cry. You can be strong and still cry in front of him.

You’re right on the thick of it now but it does get better, OP. My heart breaks for you right now but I promise things do improve. Me and my dad are closer than ever now and have a great life. We miss my mum of course but there is a life for you dad and for you ahead.

Very sorry for your loss @Cheerfullydesperate. I am in a very similar position (six weeks in) so not able to give advice, but wanted to send strength and solidarity. Your grief is different but just as valid, try to find time to work this through for yourself - it’s impossible to shoulder his sadness as well as your own.

He's not being fair to you. You are entitled to your grief too.

I'd contact Cruse & get some rl support.

Also start to scaffold his future care needs. It's not sustainable for you to be there more than you are capable of, given you have family, I assume?