Husband’s grandma near the end, I’m still grieving my mother

[TotallyJacquelineHigh]

My Mum died in May. It was not a nice way to die - she was admitted to hospital struggling to breathe, then developed a brain infection so was having seizures. She was on a very high level of oxygen when the doctors said there was nothing more they could do so they’d switch off the oxygen and move to palliative care. It took several days before she then passed away. I’ve really struggled to come to terms with her death.
My husband’s 99 year old granny has been in hospital with pneumonia the last 2 days and the doctors have now said that they will take her off the high level of oxygen. He’s now gone to the hospital to say goodbye and is obviously very upset. I’m at home looking after our two children and finding it difficult - any advice on how to support them all without centring myself?

I feel oddly detached from it, despite having known his Gran for 20ish years. I’m sad but about my Mum, because it just feels like I’m losing her again.

Grief can last a lifetime so do continue to be kind to yourself as losing your Mum can be one of the worst losses you’ll ever experience. Heartbroken in the true sense and it is still very early days.
Every loss is different. No need to compare or feel bad that it’s resurfacing some of your own pain. +Sometimes it’s about being there for those who feel the pending loss the deepest. Sounds like you recognise this and understand that this is a loss more for DH and his family, and it’s commendable that you want to be there to support him and sounds like you’re already stepping up as best you can.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Gently, they are both dying in very similar ways. Struggling to breathe, on high oxygen, doctors saying nothing more can be done.

His grandmother’s impending death with so many similarities is likely stirring up all your memories of your mum’s recent passing. Which will make it difficult for you to support your husband and children.

I think it’s fair to tell him it’s re-opening the wound of your mum passing and then lean on each other. It’s ok to cry for both your mum and his grandmother. It’s ok to mourn both of them at the same time.

Thank you. Yes, re-opening a wound is a good way to describe it.

It took me a couple of years to get over the death of my dad; it was an unexpected death in difficult circumstances.
When my mum died it was expected and I was pretty much okay.
Everyone is different and every death/grieving is different.
You are still mourning your mum. You had a different relationship with her than you do your husband’s grandmother and your reactions will differ.
Grief is hard. Be kind to yourself, your feelings are normal, you are bound to compare the situations (I know I did with my parents), there is no right or wrong way to feel or think. You can feel sad about both but one reaction might be stronger than the other.

I’m so sorry for your loss and the news about your DH’s granny. I can empathise with you as 4 months after losing my Dad, my MIL was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t treatable. She was placed on palliative care pretty quickly.

It was a truly awful time for both of us as we also had very young dc. Like you, I was still very much grieving for my own parent and had no idea how I would be strong enough to support DH.

But little by little, we did get through it. The best advice I can give is to take things very easy. Each hour, each day. Grief is so very personal and will look different in different people. Listen and support but don’t deny your own grief. I have learnt to live alongside the grief. I wish you well @TotallyJacquelineHigh

Thank you all so very much. I’m really grateful for your support and advice, and sorry that you have all lost loved ones too.