First Christmas 💔

[Mangomintmama]

There may already be a thread like this but I couldn’t find one.
Looking for others in the same situation who are facing their first Christmas without a loved one.
I lost my beautiful DM in August, I had so much support on here when nursing her through end of life care at only 65years old.
Just over 4 months have passed and I’m feeling absolutely broken, I’d like to think I have been doing ‘well’, (gone back to work and tried to maintain normality for young DCs) but I just can’t face Christmas.
My first one in 41 years without her and i miss her so, so much - the pain still feels like a physical ache in my heart. I no longer feel like I can talk about her in the same way I did in those early days, I can barely say her name without choking up.
How on earth am I supposed to be that magical Christmas Mummy to my Children?

Oh my lovely it’s so hard. I lost my mum in July 2021. We booked a holiday cottage for that first year (and thereafter) so we still celebrated Christmas but did it in a different venue. We went “all out” for Christmas still but being somewhere different really helped us. Maybe try to include some of your mum’s routines but still change things up a bit so as to give you some mental breathing space on the day. Don’t expect too much of yourself.

Then on 29 October this year our DD1 died aged 24 entirely unexpectedly. No amount of changing things up was going to help me this time around so DH and I and our remaining children have flown off to Morocco (day 2 of a week) and are managing to pretty much avoid Christmas altogether. You just have to
do what you have to do to get by. Deep breaths. It’s minute by minute for me at the moment. Keeping in the moment. Don’t think ahead.

I have to say the only thing that has brought be any calm or peace at all has been a massage. Might that be something you might be able to do?

May you find some happiness, or certainly some peace, where you can.

I am truly sorry to read about your mum @Mangomintmama and your daughter @LadyMacbethWasFierce my wonderful DH died in July aged just 38. He was my best friend and I am so lost without him. I've tried to avoid Christmas as best as I can whilst also trying to carry on as normal. I keep thinking just make it to January but he'll not be here in January either. It's just a shit show really.
I really hope you both have a peaceful time and it's not even more tough than it has been.

I feel exactly the same OP, lost DM in April.

People keep saying to me 'if she was here she'd tell you to pull yourself together for DD' but then I'm like "Well she's not though is she so why tf should I?!"

No advice but I'm right there with you x

Hadn't rtft when I 1st posted but have now and sending hugs to everyone hurting x

So sorry for all of your losses. My DB died two months ago and I’m absolutely dreading this year. DH has been great and has sorted nearly all the shopping, but I have two little ones who will be expecting the usual Christmas magic. I’m not sure if I have the capacity for it tbh. I’m still making Christmas dinner for the five of us, my parents, my BIL and his girlfriend, and DS’s girlfriend as I feel guilty for dropping out at the last minute.

We’ve kept everything else fairly lowkey though so I’m hoping that helps. I just know that I’m going to spend the whole day in tears and I’m terrified of bringing the mood down for everyone else

I lost my mum at end of January this year so this is our first Xmas too
But last years was pretty awful as it was obvious she was very ill she has given up at that point 😪
So im hoping this year will be better..

I’ve just come on here to start a very similar post as you.
Im so sorry for everyone that’s facing this ‘first Christmas’.
I lost my brother earlier this year and some wonderful people here on Mumsnet were so supportive.
I’m feeling in a constant state of disbelief and almost a bit lost.
I am still trying to process it all as it was pretty traumatic but am also dreading New Year as I feel I’m leaving him behind somehow.

Sending hugs and love to anyone in this horrible situation, be kind to yourselves over the Christmas break ❤️

I lost my mum in November 2021 , my dc were 4 and 6 , I was 41
We spent Christmas day with Dad , my 2 sisters and their families , kept as normal as possible , because you have too , it seems unbelievable, but life goes on
We kept the kleenex to hand and disappeared for 5 minutes when we needed too
it was tough , but we managed
The first year is awful
My condolences to you , and we will raise a glass and light a candle on Christmas Eve to all those we love and miss

Wishing you all a peaceful holiday. My father didn’t live in the UK so we are used to not seeing him at Christmas, but it’s still so weird to think that he isn’t across the globe opening whatever silly gifts we managed to get into the post.

I lost mam in May, so this is my first Christmas without her. There was also only ever the 2 of us, so now there is just me. I feel lost and confused and it honestly doesn't feel like Christmas at all

Sending you lots and lots of love - lost my beautiful dad in October and he’d only just turned 64. Been poorly for quite a while but had an awful final few weeks. Feel like I’ve been sleepwalking through since losing him (and like you have DC to make December special for) and today it’s hit like a ton of bricks. Sending you lots and lots of love and I’m so sorry for you (and everyone who has posted on this thread)’s losses xx

Sending you all so many hugs and strength. My mum died when she was 49 (I was 16) and if it helps (probably not) that first Christmas without her I literally cannot remember. I was the youngest so my siblings and my dad must have felt pressure to keep things ‘normal’ but I couldn’t tell you anything about that first Christmas without her - what we ate, who we saw, how everyone was - there is literally nothing in my memory bank.
33years on and I still get choked up that she isn’t here (especially because I am now the age she was when she died) so I allow myself 5 mins when I need it to remember.

Do whatever you have to do to get through the day and don’t feel scared to ask others to pick up the slack when needed. ❤️

Thank you so much for starting this thread. First Christmas without my Dad and my mum is struggling and it's all very strange. Luckily my sister is a superstar, we might be chalk and cheese but we can be a team when needed.

@totallybannanas how are you doing. I know we went through the same a couple of weeks apart. I'm thinking of you xxx

Hope you all manage to have a nice-ish day. The chaos of the morning has been a distraction so far but there’s a bit of a lull now and I can feel myself getting upset! Sending you all lots of love