Just a little pity party.

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I’m feeling bad right now as dad died this year and I’m struggling, yet mum died 30 years ago, and it feels like I’m mourning dad more even though mum meant more to me when she was alive. Dad left us, so it was just us two from when I was 5.
I went to her grave last week and I actually apologised to her/ the grave stone for not having been as much this year and for not having thought of her as much, but life was pretty crap while dad was dying,

Hey there, there is no wrong way to experience grief, and I am so so sorry for you loss and that you had a tough year

once both your parents have passed away it can feel like a very big deal, the speed of the passing of time feels overwhelming, it can be very very tough, regardless of the relationship you had with them

lots to process for you

be kind to yourself

You do not need to feel bad about how grief affects you . You need to just 'be' if that makes sense. Both my parents have died. My partner of 2years, who i didn't live with, died in very tragic circumstances. His death affected me more than losing my mom. Mom died when it was her time. He didn't. Who can explain this? I don't analyse it. . Perhaps as well as mourning your dad's death there is an element of mourning the lost relationship when he left? Who knows? Essentially grief is unpredictable. You simply need to be kind to yourself OP.

I am sorry for your losses.
You are not dishonouring your beloved Mum by grieving your Dad. You are still processing your Dad’s death and that will make you relive past memories. You are probably also grieving the missed opportunities he had for being a better Dad and feeling again the pain of abandonment when you were a child.

Be kind to yourself. You love your Mum and I am sure she knows it.

Thank you for this, I think that while dad was alive I still had a link to mum. We would talk about her, and now he’s gone it’s like I’ve lost her again.

Grief is complicated. I know it's easier said than done but you don't need to feel guilty or bad for how you're processing things. She wouldn't want that I'm sure. I hope that you can stop being so hard on yourself.

It must feel like the end of an era. That generation of your close family is gone. It all feels worse around Christmas too.
My dad died when I was 13 and I’m 48 now. The loss is everywhere and crops up at times I least expect. DS’ exam results day, buying him his first suit for example.
Grief is slippery and can fit into situations you never imagined and I absolutely see where you are coming from.
This does sound cliched but be kind to yourself. Allow yourself those feelings and know you are not alone.