Not sure how to feel

[LR89]

I don’t really know what I’m wanting to achieve from this post I just wanted to write down my feelings and see if anyone has any thoughts, similar stories or can relate.
With Christmas coming up I’m not really sure how to feel and how i actually feel right now. I lost my sister who was 38 to a brain tumour in September. She wasn’t just my sister but also my best friend and it still doesn’t feel like she’s really gone. I also gave birth to my second daughter in November and have a 3 year old at home who is very excited for Christmas and I want to be excited for her as well but I’m finding it hard to be festive at the moment.
We also suddenly lost my dad in January 2022 so it’s coming up to the 4th anniversary of that and my mum is really struggling with the grief of losing him but also now her child. I’m all she has left and I feel a responsibility to try and make her happy again but I have so much going on right now in my life to deal with I’m feeling guilty for not helping her enough.
My in laws always want to see us over the Christmas period too so come down to stay locally ever since my dad died as that’s when we had our first child so I feel like I always have to just get on with celebrating Christmas normally for them as they are visiting and don’t really understand how I’m feeling. They also always visit on my eldest daughters birthday which is over the anniversary of my dads death so I never really have quiet time to just process that without having to put on a normal front and just ‘get on with it’ to spend time with them as well.
Sorry for the long rant, I feel like such a Scrooge wishing the festive period over already and just wanting normality to resume so I can spend time with my own little family without the guilt of having to be there for others which sounds quite selfish but at the same time they’re only this little once and I want to spend time making happy memories with them

I’m sorry for your losses, sending love.

Christmas is a hard time when you’re grieving people you have lost, and you are entitled to want some quiet time too.

You can suggest another time for visitors if you’d prefer, especially since you’ve had so much happening in the last few months, could your partner speak to your in laws and explain it would be better for them to visit another time?

They already booked accommodation while I was still pregnant to be local for when the baby was born in November, Christmas, and also January for my eldest birthday

Sorry you are going through this, your in laws know that you’ve recently lost your dear sister, I would tell them beforehand that you may not be upto the full on Christmas with them and might need a break from seeing them. We get through Christmas with me telling everyone that my late brother, in laws and parents would want us to enjoy ourselves. I go upstairs on my own for a while, when I feel myself getting upset, just to take a break.

If you don’t work out a different routine and stand your ground, you are going to emotionally burst! You’ve had a lot to deal with and I’m sorry for your losses.

Talk to your husband, sort out a compromise, and get him to tell his parents. You need a break from entertaining people when their visits coincide with significant dates. Not for evermore, but just for a year or two. You can welcome them at other times of the year but for now, you need breathing spaces.

Having said that, bereavement mourning is not linear, it comes in waves, so if it is too overwhelming why not contact Cruse the bereavement charity for a bit of counselling?

Also, whilst PIL are visiting, could you leave baby with them and DH and carve out some quiet time away from the house, the park, an open church, a country path, where you can reflect and remember your loved ones?

If your PIL and DH scoff at your feelings and are unwilling to adjust, that’s a whole different story.

You are dealing with a huge amount. The loss of your sister must be so acutely huge at the moment. That alone is enough to floor you, but you also have the recent loss of your dad and the overwhelming fact that both of your births have been so close to major bereavements.

Of course you are not sure how to feel. Don't put any pressure on yourself at all to make sense of your feelings at the moment.

It sounds like your in-laws coming might be too much of a 'done deal' to put them off. But if that is the case then you mustn't expect yourself to do all th right things or 'be' a certain way for them. Tell them how numb and overwhelmed you feel; tell them you need plenty of space. Hopefully they are reasonable people and they will understand.

Take as much time away as you need from every part of the festive events. All that really matters is taking care of yourself and your baby, and giving your older child cuddles and comfort. At her age Christmas doesn't have to be a big performance. She will treasure the small, cosy experiences of unwrapping, etc

I really do feel for you. It really must be overwhelming to have to many major things close together. There will be other Christmases in the future when things are more maneagable. xxx

Gosh, I’m not surprised you aren’t feeling very festive. I would make sure your partner is on board and say your just popping out for a walk (probably easiest to get away from toddler) or just something to get some space for half an hour or so on the day. You’re allowed to feel this way, let yourself be quiet don’t feel you have to be up up. Let your three year olds enthusiasm buoy you up, so try to see the world through her eyes, obvs not all day that would be exhausting but when she needs you to be happy mummy. I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much, be kind to yourself, take a step back, be honest if asked why, the in laws can like it or lump it and you can tell your mum you just need some quiet time which she should also appreciate. Don’t try and be on the whole time that won’t work!

I'm so sorry you've been through all that loss! I understand it might not be very easy just to turn people away especially when the kids are involved and you don't want to seem like a debby downer. I'm much the same myself. If I'm down or need a cry about anything and they're around I just come up with a couple excuses such as 'I need to go upstairs and quickly do something' and just take 10 mins, excuse yourself to go to the shop for milk and take a 10 minute walk to clear your head, excuse yourself at night and say you have a headache coming on and want to go to bed. As close as I am to my in laws honestly they never think anything about it and they're so busy talking or in their own worlds half the time they don't know I'm off elsewhere or assume I'm dealing with the kids.

for the sake of not feeling festive and feeling guilt about it for the children my partner is the same. his dad who is no longer with us , his birthday is christmas day so I'm always on cue to look out for whenever he seems down or low and we work as a team to make it less obvious to the kids and in laws. Christmas Day all I can advise is to do the same and just take some quiet time to yourself and tell your partner that this may be something you need to do so that he's on the same wavelength and if your in laws are asking instead of him going 'oh yeah where is she?' he can help excuse it and work as a team. And it's just having to put on a smiley front for the kids.

sorry if it's not of much help and again so sorry you're going through this x

So sorry for your losses. This is a hard time. You don’t have to be ‘normal’

Can you have a chat with your dh to see how he can help? Most of all he should explain how overwhelmed your are to your in laws and remind them you are grieving two very dear family members.

It sounds like there needs to be a change in how you are expected to host Christmas. It may be too late to change the family visiting this year but everyone could be asked to come up with ideas that would help to give you some space at the times you need it. E.g. everyone goes out on a long nice walk to leave you at home for peace and reflection, or everyone (except you) goes out to a local pub for the evening so that you and your mum can spend some alone time together to remember your dad.

also. Don’t worry about housework, everyone can help. Don’t worry about cooking and making cups of tea/drinks. Ask everyone to look after you, not the other way round.