Best friend died and no interest in friendships now

[Sillysoggyspaniel]

My best friend died of cancer in March. She was only diagnosed in the previous April, and until the November we thought she would make a full recovery. Obviously, this didn't prove to be the case.
I miss her so much. I think about her several hours a day. I'm not interested in creating or maintaining deep friendships any more, even with friends who I would previously have counted as super close. I just feel shut down from it all. With superficial interactions I'm fine. I just don't have anyone who is the bedrock of my soul any more.
Does this change? Or is this the state of my friendships now?

It’s an understandable reaction, though it does seem a lot to be thinking of her several hours a day, and that you feel shut down might point to there being some difficulty with you processing the grief. Have you been able to talk it over with anyone, or is some counselling a possibility? You might find you naturally warm up to the idea of deeper friendships again once you’ve processed it more.

I'm so sorry for your loss. That must have been so hard for you.
It sounds as though your pain is so raw and your grief so overwhelming that you don't have the space or energy for anything other than superficial interaction.

I lost my best friend very suddenly and found these people really helpful. https://www.cruse.org.uk/ I didn't even realise it until I spoke to them but I needed something to burst the bubble of grief and talking to someone caring but unconnected to me helped me do that.

Many years later now and I have a few really good, close friendships and one extremely close friend - all of whom I love, but there will never be another like her and I suppose I don't want there to be. We just had something special.

I make a point of making the most of my days and living life to the full. Losing her made me realise how precious life is.

Thank you, I have actually been speaking to a Cruse lady and she was lovely, but I didn't find it as helpful as I hoped I would as I don't have an issue talking about her day to day so it felt like going over old ground/less sincere. I've also had counselling with a CBT grief counsellor who said that I don't seem unduly upset. Not sure what to make of that comment. Maybe it means my reaction is normal and this is life now, or maybe it means that I'm cold and shut off and can't articulate my loss. Although I did try.

I’m so sorry for your loss, until someone has lost a ‘soul mate’ friend it’s hard to understand how utterly devastating it is. I also lost my friend to cancer, and the grief utterly floored me for a long time- it was actually much harder than the loss of one of my parents.
Thar was quite a few years ago, and while I don’t have anyone quite as close as her in my life I do have good friends who enrich my life and I’m grateful for.
I now feel I almost have a duty to her to live a good, rewarding life to honour her as she didn’t get to be here as long as we’d hoped, it might sound odd but it has helped me. She was such a good person, if I’m stuck or struggling I ask myself what she’d have said to me, and I find comfort in that too.
And I second the suggestion to get specialist grief counselling, it’s such a complex and exhausting grief to work through, but not as well understood and acknowledged as some other types of grief. It definitely helped me having somewhere safe to discuss my friend, but with someone who didn’t know her, and so wasn’t emotionally invested the way I was.
Sending much love, it’s so hard.

If it was only in March that’s still quite early days, you could have likely been in shock and now it’s just hitting you. Sending you lots of love op. It’s so hard. Also, it depends on all sorts of things, like other attachments. Was the relationship quite central to you feeling safe? I agree that a specialist grief counsellor would be very helpful ❤️

Gosh deepest condolences, it sounds like you have lost a real soulmate friend, and in a very shocking and unexpected way.

To me 9 months is still very recent after a close bereavement; I would imagine that things will gradually shift over time. It is said that every journey of grief is different.

Could it be that by opening up to other friends you would feel disloyal to your greatest friend, and that putting up barriers is a way to honour her special place in your life?

That counsellor is in the wrong job 💔
So sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss. With a loss that big, you won’t ever be the same person again that you was before. And friendships won’t feel the same.
I think it’s important to focus on healing and ensuring your mental wellbeing doesn’t take a detrimental decline.
It’s possible you’re in a period of isolation, which isn’t unusual while grieving and healing. And would explain why superficial interaction feels ok, but you’ve shut down from anything more. That’s ok, you’re going through a deep process of grief.
My therapist told me this year that it’s important I work on building connection around me, as connection is good for the soul. I don’t think I’ve got there yet but that’s ok, I’m open to it but not chasing it right now. What is important is that your connection to yourself is strong, with that I mean that you’re aware of your mental wellbeing and taking steps to help that when needed. Your world as you knew it has been destabilised. It takes time to regrow that in a new way..
You’ll know when you’re ready to be open to building that connection back in your life again…

My best friend passed in her sleep due to a spontaneous bleed of her abdomen which is rare in January 2023 and I still message her phone and visit her grave regularly. I keep meeting her mum to help us both try and deal with the grief. It’s so hard and sad.

I hear you. I lost one of my best friends in March. 9wks from diagnosis (cancer) to her gone. The cancer had spread to her brain and she ended up in a care home, in her mid-late 50’s. It was heartbreaking and it’s coming up to the first anniversary of the time she was diagnosed. I have other good friends. But none locally, and I have pulled away from a hobby group as I really don’t want to form any close friendships with them. I am still finding it so hard and know i’ll be reliving it all again soon. I hear you, and I think it’s a normal response to a tragic situation.

I'm so sorry OP.
I'm standing with you in sad solidarity having lost my beautiful best friend in May 2024 to a brain tumour.
A friendship grief is such an underrated grief. There are members of my own family I would be less floored about.
We knew things about them and they about us even their families didn't.
It's her birthday today and I feel so bereft. So I get it.

I understand what you're saying about other friends. Sometimes I'll tell a joke and I know my friend would have pissed herself at it, whereas the friendships I have now seem much more surface level. We'd cry laugh together and hug each other in a way I don't with any of my others. A friend will tell a story and all I can think of is how she'd have told it better.

I suppose we shouldn't shut the ones we have out though. Friendships can grow and become deeper over time, give your others a chance.

Be kind to yourself. I highly doubt your friend would want you to never have a deep friendship again 💐

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, OP. As others have said, be kind to yourself - articulate and experience your loss in the way that works best for you, and give yourself all the time you need.