Don't know where to turn

[Ihatelittlefriendsusan]

So I posted a while ago about DH's 16 year old dying int truly awful avoidable circumstances... feel free to search for the background info.

For a long time he became an anger sponge and I pushed him to get counselling which toba point helped. You guys were ace at suggesting support groups etc and he has been in touch with Andy's Man Club and one for Bereaved parents. They have given him some like minded people with a shared experience. He still however refuses to speak to me about it. I know when he is struggling because he gets snappy and grumpy and it has resulted in a shit tonne of distance in our relationship and some arguments and a lot of silence.

He has had a session today and has talked a bit tonight about it which is rare. However he seems to be saying counselling is helping him recognise triggers and then compartmentalise and lock the stuff away and ignore it which seems the polar opposite of what it is meant to be doing. Instead theybhave today explored situations like him developing dementia and forgetting his son...there is no history of dementia or alzhiemers in his family and it seems absurd to be talking about and trying to deal with that when he refuses to deal with the actual happening issues on front of him.

He is transferring his feelings to other things again and becoming obsessed.

I am trying to be understanding but the repeating pattern is becoming so draining. And I am not being given any support irl or chance to grieve myself. I have lost one of my best friends and my uncle this year and dh has barely even acknowledged it. Which I am becoming quite resentful of.

He does the same with other issues like his parents who are a bloody nightmare and I have disengaged with. On what should have been his sons 18th (19 months agter his death) fil told dh he had had more than enough time to grieve and he needed to get over it which also doesn't help.

He is depressed but the mere mention of thayvand he flips out, I totally understand why marriages fail when a child dies because it is all consuming but he seems to have totally shut himself off from feelings about anything except anger.

I dunno why I am posting, I think I just need to write it down.

I’m sorry for all your losses. Do you also have counselling?

Unfortunately not. There are no bereavement counselling services anymore via our NHS trust and the services I can access through work don't offer it either. He works in a different city to me and his work has access to a different counselling service however I am not covered under their scheme.

I can deal with me. It's the utter bs from his family and his refusal to deal with the here and now whilst obsessing about ridiculous situations that haven't even happened. Or obsess over complete strangers drug issues/family issues etc from his sessions at andys man club that I struggle most with.

I have tried to reach out to his family but they are so narcissistic and seem to be of the opinion that he is solely my problem as I married him.

That sounds an incredibly difficult situation OP. I’m so sorry for your losses. It’s very difficult to know what to suggest. One thing I would say is that avoiding triggers rather than facing up to the reality of what has happened may be all your DH can cope with atm. The human brain can only cope with so much pain. I know that large parts of my brain shut down completely after a traumatic bereavement and it took a long time for anything like normal brain functioning to return. Similarly worrying about other people’s problems may be a distraction to keep his mind from his own.

Whatever he needs to do to survive is one thing, but he shouldn’t be taking his pain and anger out on you or failing to support you in your own grief. If he has no awareness or care of the pain he is causing you, I don’t know what you can do to move forward.

I haven’t read your other threads. It sounds like he is experiencing “complicated grief” (not surprisingly). Has he had any medical help? I have a history of depression so recognised that I needed medical help at my worst. I’m not sure if I would have got through the last few years without high doses of medication which I have now been able to reduce again. Many people are reluctant to try antidepressants but often they are really helpful.

It’s so difficult though as being a decent partner and parent were a big motivation to me to get help and get better. I’m not sure what happens if that motivation is lost. Does your DH have other children?

I really feel for you. It sounds like you are a kind and supportive partner and you are in a terrible situation.

Thanks @BarLines. Avoiding complex issues that he doesn't want to face is a pretty standard response so im not sure it a response to this particular pain if that makes sense, it is just his default. But I so see what you are saying and will try to be more aware when frustration gets the better of me.

Unfortunately hi 16yo was his only child which I know makes it a whole hell of a lot worse ashe has nothing to live for in that sense. I know he has me, but I think having a child would probably force him to be more present and proactive and probably more aware of the impact on those ofnus around him

My other thread details what happened tonhisnson. He was failed by everyone. School and the hospital should have safeguarded him better [although inquest found that the situation did not meet the threshold for intervention) and unfortunately his mum, who was non site and present, did nothing to prevent the death. She has probably half a dozen opportunities to prevent what happened and filled to so there is a hellnof a lot of anger he is still processing.

He won't even discuss formal medical intervention, it becomes a huge fight at the mere mention which is a whole other thread in itself!

It’s clear you’re trying to support him, but it’s also clear how hard it is when all the weight ends up on you. The fact that he opens up even a little after sessions means something is helping, but it also seems like he’s scared to face the real emotions. You’re not doing anything wrong; the situation is just enormous and still very raw for him.