Why does the second Christmas feel harder?

[FoxRedPuppy]

My dad died in March 2024. So this is second Christmas without him, and somehow it feels harder than last year. This year I have juts really struggled to even care about Christmas. If it wasn’t for my dc I think I just wouldn’t bother.

My dad loved Christmas, so I associate so much of it with him. And his last Christmas he was so ill, and I feel guilty that he didn’t have the best one.

I just been lying on sofa sobbing, and I don’t even know what triggered it. But most of the time at the moment I just feel distant.

My mum has been gone 30 years. Some christmas’ are easier than others. I don’t think it ever goes.

As time goes on, it feels like things are "back to normal" but they never are for you when there's someone you're missing.
I don't know if there's a way to focus on the joy he got from Christmas and how you can share that with your children.

I think that for the first one, you know it’s going to be bad plus you’re still finding your way and a bit in shock, or numb. The second one exposes you to the reality of the future.

It comes and goes. Be easy on yourself xx

I think the first year you are bracing yourself for it and often have a lot of support.

Second and subsequent years the grief becomes yourself personally. Other people expect you to be better, and it can catch you out a bit, hence it hits you harder.

Just roll with it. Grieving is natural and if you let it out, it will be easier to manage. Take care.

It’s because this is your life now. You lose the hope that the pain will go away.

This is my 4th Christmas without dh. We didn’t have kids so I’ve no need to put the tree up but he loved the tree & used to buy baubles for it every year so I can’t bring myself to get rid.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s also my second Christmas without Dad. He was central to all our families’ Christmas celebrations so that first Christmas we (I’m the eldest of 5 adult children) just stayed home with our own families. This year I’ve tentatively suggested to my siblings that we get together but I don’t get any enthusiasm from them. It’s beginning to sink in that Christmas will never be the same again and that we need to make some new traditions to carry us forward….with some of Dad’s old ones added in remember him by.

I'm sending hugs to you all. My beloved Mum died the week before Christmas last year and I don't really remember much if I'm honest. My wonderful adult kids took over all the preparations and cooked dinner. I only had a very young DGC so only he really got presents. I was just so so sad and so very tired. I'd been privileged to have spent the final week with her. I'm at the stage of remembering 'this time last year '. I'm very weepy and still so tired.
Be gentle and kind to yourselves.

I don't have any words that will make it better and other people have already provided the explanations I would have offered, but - if it's any comfort to know it's not just you feeling this way, - this is also my second Christmas since my dad died and I have also spent part of the weekend on the sofa crying too. It's a tough time of year.

I lost my mum much longer ago so one thing that comforts me in coping with the grief around my dad is knowing it's normal to feel like this, that it's survivable and that as time goes on it is possible to find ways to feel you're still carrying someone with you through your life. Our relationship with someone doesn't end when they die.

You could explore developing different Christmas traditions if your existing traditions feel like digging into a wound. For some people, that helps. Doing something to specifically remember or honour the person can also help.

I have no interest in Christmas, I lost my Mum 16 days ago, very suddenly, and I'm just numb. I'm very grateful that I had her for 63 years, I know how lucky I was and how much she loved me, but all I feel is numb ( and maybe anger). I'm the eldest child so felt I had to be strong for my siblings and Father, support my daughter and grand daughters, do all the organising and paper work etc, but now it's all arranged and I still can't cry. What's wrong with me ?????

My Dad died last year, so this is the second Christmas without him. Mam died in 2020.
I went to the Christmas service, at the local church, last year. My parents had attended for years and it broke my heart that they were not there! I feel Christmas brings to the surface emotions and a reminder that they are gone for good 😕

Nothing's wrong with you. It's only been 16 days. Numbness is a protective response from our brain looking after us when something awful happens. It will subside in time and you will begin healing.

Just go with how you feel (or don't feel) and look after yourself, patiently and with the compassion you would have for anybody else.

This is the 2nd Xmas without my dsand it feels harder. Last year he had only been dead 6 weeks a nd it was all a bit of a blur.
This year is going to be more of a struggle. We are going away to a remote cottage.

It is because you realise that your life has changed and your loss is permanent. Agree with pp that you have less support. Some people will have drifted away, are busy with their own families.
This will be my 10th Christmas without my son. We just don't do Christmas any more. We probably never will.
I am sorry for everyone who has lost a loved one. Christmas and anniversaries are so painful.

@twizzles1 when my dad died this year I didn’t grieve immediately. I had everything to do and it felt like a full time job on top of work/house etc. I actually felt quite angry at times, all these utility companies, solicitor and banks etc all needing me to do things when I just wanted to miss my dad.
After quite a few months it hit me and I felt like work thought I should be over it by now. I’m expecting it to really kick in next year, as it’s the first year in my life that he won’t be there.

@twizzles1 Your in the numb phase, it does hit you eventually there’s nothing wrong with you at all.

Im so sorry you lost your mom, I agree there’s too much admin but there’s no rush. I took so long to respond to one bank they sent me a cheque for the £2 balance and closed the account.

I’ve been feeling really low today and came on here to post pretty much the same.

I lost my mum in February 2024, just over two months after an out of the blue terminal cancer diagnosis. I knew I’d find last December tough with Christmas Day, her birthday a few days later and then New Years Eve. I’m single, no kids. A wonderful friend invited me for Christmas, her place is like a second home to me and I love her and her family. I’m going there again this year.

I wasn’t expecting to feel so rubbish this time, but I feel floored. I think PPs are right in that it’s the realisation that this is permanent and that I’m leaving her further behind. I kind of want to go to sleep and wake up at the beginning of March. The end of 2023 first 6 weeks of 2024 were brutal emotionally.

Sending love to all of those who are living with grief, especially at this time of year. Although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it does help to know that I’m not alone with these feelings.

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your son.

I can totally relate to what you're going through OP. This is my 3rd Christmas without my Mum she died December 2023. Christmas is emotional.

I walked round the supermarket yesterday and saw a jar of mincemeat and thought "I must make some mince pies." Then felt emotional and cried inside as my Mum was a great cook. It feels less intense than last year though as I kept crying.

I also relate to how you feel. It’s 15 months since my DH died. Last year was horrific just a day to get through but I feel no better this year. My children are young adults and although they miss their Dad they are out doing normal things, buying presents, enjoying nights out etc. I’m not even avoiding Christmas, it’s like I’ve forgotten it exists until someone mentions it. I will buy presents and spend time with my children and extended family and do what’s expected of me but I honestly have no interest in it still.

hugs to all of you.

@FoxRedPuppy, I think it's because, longer term, the grief has more time to sink in. You notice the things you shared and they speak to you (mincemeat or other) and that, as time passes, fewer people know those things. As others say, sometimes it just hits you.

It hasn't been 2 years yet, but I feel the loss of DH more sometimes b/c there are things only he would appreciate and he'd be eating his heart out - we'd be laughing together. DD is just home from her first term at university. She's started drinking a little and her favourite is the Woo Woo. Back in the day, even aged 2.5, she was hardly intelligible. DH and I cracked all her lingo except 'whoa - whoa'. It took us YEARS!! So from wo-wo to woo-woo! DH would get that but no one else will. Even DD doesn't remember this 'word' wo-wo.
(In case you're wondering ... for her, it meant 'folded'; it was her word for a collapsed/folded up push chair)

I wish I had something I could say that would ease your loss in some way.

That's such a lovely story and memory. I can absolutely see how you would have laughed about that together. Those little family in-jokes are really special; it's so hard when the person you want to share them with isn't here.

(And thank you for explaining what whoa-whoa meant, I would have gone away puzzling about that for ages!)