Weird grief - parting with stuff linked to the person

[Whyismycatanasshat]

My DF died late last year. It was expected and there had been anticipatory grief.

I can’t really talk to anyone in RL about this. Those I have mentioned it to think I’m being ridiculous.

I pick up a new car next weekend, and am part exchanging my old car, which has started with costly mechanical issues.

However I am breaking my heart about getting rid of my old car because that’s the last car my DF was in with me.
The last car he knew I had.
And he liked my car - practical looks but sporty underneath - so I had his approval, not that that mattered then. The new one is practical but not sporty etc.

I feel like I’m losing another link to DF, who I am missing so very much at the moment as life hasn’t been easy in the last few weeks and his advice would have been very much appreciated.

Thanks for reading. I know there’s not really any answers.

Do you have to trade it in? Do you have the option to keep the car/get new parts?

This is very, very normal- or at least I had some of the same experiences when I lost my Mum and Dad so I assume it’s a common thing. I moved house about a year after they died and felt so conflicted about moving out of the house they had known me in and visited me in and seen my babies in. All of the firsts are hard, and letting go of things like houses and cars that we feel somehow tie us to our loved ones. Even just the passing of time itself- eventually realising that the last photos you have of them are beginning to look a bit dated- makes us feel that the gap is getting bigger between us and the person we’ve lost. It’s so sad. I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

It's not weird. My dad died nearly 40 years ago. At the back of a drawer in the bathroom is some talc he bought as part of a Christmas present the last Christmas he was alive. He probably didn't even give it a lot of thought and I'll certainly never use it. Every time I go to throw it away, I somehow think, 'I'll do it next time'.

No, not weird at all, I lost my mum 2 years ago and I can’t bare to part with anything she bought me and my child. It all goes up into the attic for the time being and when I’m ready I will donate or give things away. It really is the small things that affect you more. Xx

@TeaBiscuitsNaptime sadly it needs to go, I’ve hung on to it 6 months too long really and it’s left me on a dangerous situation more than once and with several large bills recently. My Dad would want me to get rid now it’s become unreliable, that I do know. But it isn’t helping!

I remember when our cat died, my son had named her, (Sally Cinnamon,) and it was another strand of my son's life and connection gone. You know it's silly but it still hurts after 23 years.

Are you scrapping it? Is there a bit of car you could keep so there is a bit with you?

I can totally empathise, it is difficult to move on. These are a few examples, I was upset when a shop closed that Mum loved, I have a receipt from our last shopping trip (for food!), we had enjoyed choosing dinner together for what would be the last time. My brother has now moved from his house where we had celebrated Christmas with Mum every year. You feel as if you want to keep the links close.

Totally get this, I still have socks in my drawer that my DM bought me when I was a teenager that I can't get rid of - they've lost the elastic and I never wear them, but can't chuck them. She died when I was twenty and I'm now in my late 40s... they've been through several house moves!

@FoxRedPuppy No, it’s going to trade in auction, so it needs to go whole! I’ve still got the original sales key fob and will keep that with its details on.

Another thanks to all posting; I’m sending you all much love because, frankly, this grief stuff is pretty bloody shitty!

Ya, it does sound like it's for the best so. It probably feels like a letting go moment. Letting go of the person you lost just that bit more. It could be a good thing too, it might give you a chance to reflect on the memories you shared. let yourself grieve some more and move forward. And moving forward doesn't have to mean saying goodbye, it could mean that you're just accepting that things are changing and that the person is elsewhere now. Change is normal healthy part of life really. Be kind to yourself during this time ❤️

I cried my eyes out yesterday throwing away a broken water pistol my uncle had bought for my kids when they were little. Its the first christmas without him and I am so sad all the time. He was like a second father to me and I miss him so much.

Ah I recently unboxed some books and found a book given to me by my dad which he had written the occasion and his name in. It's not one I will read again but I really cannot bear to recycle (and I am quite ruthless about books and clothes as a rule). He’s been gone for a lot longer than I knew him but small things can keep someone alive.

@SwedishEdith I won’t chuck a frying pan my dad bought me – tbf it’s a great one that still is very usable, but it has a dent after it was bashed in a house move, so arguably should be replaced. I still use it all the time tho.

I’ve just unpacked the Xmas decorations, so many were my mums, many now broken, missing bits, bulbs have gone. Can I throw them out? Hell no. She’s been dead ten years.

You do get hung up on really stupid things. I've spent the last year dealing with a broken toilet seat despite having already bought a replacement because he used this one and and a new one removes the link of us sitting in the same place.

I know it's stupid and irrational, but I'm still not ready to grab the screwdriver.

I get it. I really should replace my caravan- it has bunk beds, and our kids have grown up now. But Mum used to come and sit in it and chat whilst I cooked (she had a camper van, and would park beside me). Being in my van reminds me of Mum.

I know how you feel, my dad bought my car for me and when I had to change it after he died it was awful. I’ve had 2 cars since then and I’m sure he’s looking down critiquing my choices!
I can still see him sitting beside me telling me to break, indicate and so on. It’s the little things with grief that hit you the hardest.

I completely understand. My youngest is starting to grow out of the last clothes my mum bought for my children and it’s breaking my heart. It feels like the things she bought them are little pieces of connection with her

I get this 💯 We are hoping to move house next year (hasn’t happened this year) to accommodate a growing family but I’m so sad to be leaving a place where I have memories of my DB who passed away this year, it’s the last place I ever saw him, hugged him, saw his smile. If we didn’t need to move I wouldn’t. You’re not being ridiculous at all, I’m sorry you’re even feeling like that

My advice take a photo of the car and maybe keep the floor mats to go into another car.

It's completely understandable. My dad died nearly 8 years ago and I still have the moonpig notification that his birthday is coming up. I just cant being myself to delete it. Its like saying right well, dont need this anymore. Which i dont, but I cant do it.

You never get over losing someone, it just becomes your new life and you just carry the loss with you and in time become used to carrying it so you arent constantly thinking about carrying it, you just carry it.

actually my Dad's name and address comes up as an option on my amazon account, must be about 20 years since I orderd something for him
it seems callous to delete it

I’ve just remembered I have my dad saved as one of my favourites in my phone. His number has been assigned to someone else now (I know as it automatically left him from the family WhatsApp). I can’t ring it, but I can’t bring myself to delete him!

I’ve not deleted my Dad from my favourites on my phone either. He didn’t have WhatsApp so I can’t see if his number has been reassigned but I assume a year on, it has. I’ve removed his number from my “ICE” emergency contacts though.

Every time I see my musical GC perform I feel so sad that my late OH , himself an excellent musician, 7 is not here to see it... he would have loved it.