Weird grief - parting with stuff linked to the person

[Whyismycatanasshat]

My DF died late last year. It was expected and there had been anticipatory grief.

I can’t really talk to anyone in RL about this. Those I have mentioned it to think I’m being ridiculous.

I pick up a new car next weekend, and am part exchanging my old car, which has started with costly mechanical issues.

However I am breaking my heart about getting rid of my old car because that’s the last car my DF was in with me.
The last car he knew I had.
And he liked my car - practical looks but sporty underneath - so I had his approval, not that that mattered then. The new one is practical but not sporty etc.

I feel like I’m losing another link to DF, who I am missing so very much at the moment as life hasn’t been easy in the last few weeks and his advice would have been very much appreciated.

Thanks for reading. I know there’s not really any answers.

I get this, my friend died and I remember being upset when I redecorated the house as she wouldn’t see it. I think there is more rationale re your car than my painted living room! I decided at the time I was not actively engaging enough with my grief and got counselling so I could talk about her (the circumstances of her passing meant that was otherwise quite fraught). Grief can be lonely and I have always found it better shared.

Sending love - I cried for weeks after parting with my little sports car a year after my Dad died, for similar reasons. Think everyone was very confused that I was so upset about an inanimate object, but I know exactly what you mean and it is a wrench and brings up all the raw grief.

I don't have a fix, but I moved all the stuff like air fresheners into the new car (long since not smelling but it helped) and actually earlier this year by chance found a little model of my car which I've put on my mantelpiece next to his photo.

And if yours was like mine, then he's given you the knowledge to choose your next car and not get bogged down in spending endless money on one that needs a lot of fixing, so you have his approval for this one, too 💙

I think it’s totally understandable and not weird at all. I still think ooh I’ll ask my mum a baking question and she’s been gone for 10 years.

Can you take a picture of the car - or better, do you have one of your dad in it? It’s ok to be sad about things like this. It’s not the big things I don’t think - my dad died when I was young and I don’t mark his birthday for example - but I think of funny things he said or jokes he made, or how him watching cricket, or him at work, all the time.

@alexisccd Grief is lonely, thank you, Maybe I should look into counselling, my employment health package may have something.

@hilariousnamehere He’d approve of my haggling and negotiating!!

@clary l’ve pictures of the car but none with my Dad in it, I’d never have thought this would upset me and yes, you’re right it isn’t always the big things, it would have been his birthday last week and i acknowledged it, but it wasn’t a big
deal in comparison to how I’m feeling about the car.

When I changed my car 2 years ago, I wept because I'd got the old one specifically to help Dad getting to and from appointments. I'd had a Mini Cooper S before and he couldn't get out of it at all! It's perfectly normal - it's like yet another thing that you don't have shared between you anymore.

Grief is a very odd life companion and pops up when you're least expecting it.

I had to change my hairdresser as I used to take my mum to get hers cut at the same time and the first time I went without her , I cried all the way home .

I totally get this OP, I lost my 22 year old son in an accident in 2022 and in 2024 me and my daughter had to move house but I had to leave the washing machine behind and omg I cried my eyes out because I used to wash his clothes in that washing machine and I felt like I was leaving him behind, no idea why it was just the washing machine I focused in on but grief does that to you.

Grief is unpredictable. You need to sit with it when it pops up. All these feelings are normal I think. It'll fade once it's done though. Could you take someone with you when you pick up the new one?

My dad painted my bedroom for me a few years ago when I wasn’t well. I don’t really like the colour, but can’t bring myself to paint over it because he painted it 😂

So no, it doesn’t sound weird to me.

I understand this. I needed to replace bedding my late Mum bought me, and curtains she had made. Just wear and tear as happens with textiles over time. I haven’t yet been able to dispose of them to a textile bank, even though I know my mum would want me to. I also have some broken Christmas lights that were from their house, and particularly remind me of my dad. They cannot be fixed. But I can’t throw away yet. Memories and grief together so strong.

I understand exactly what you mean and I’ve got lots of things that I feel just the same about that remind me of my Mum.

I think it’s partly what stage you are in your life. My DF died when I was 24. I was far more upset about this than when DM died when I was 68. I think the years in-between do change how you feel when small things that link memories crop up. I have managed to remain positive about the long life DM had and DF was 80 when he died but in many ways we had more in common. I find DM comes to mind with small things but nothing upsets me. It’s more amusing anecdotes that arise from the memories. If you can think of positive things, you can let physical things like cars go. I think at my age you can detach a bit more. Much more difficult for my younger self.

I get it. You're not mad.
My mum's car stopped working just after she was admitted to hospital with terminal cancer. The garage owner came to the house to say it would cost a fortune to repair. He didn't want to tell dad over the phone. Dad was so upset.
We never told mum her car had died and she died a few days later, she loved her car. The garage gave him £250 for it which was reasonable and dad donated it to the hospice.
Funny little things we grieve over but they are what make our lives with other people special.
So sorry about your dad.

Thanks all for making me feel validated.
I really do appreciate it.

We had to throw our sofa away (it has a silver fish infestation 🤮) but I was sad because that’s where I remember my Dad sitting. It gets a bit easier every day.

I’ve still got my mums guitar in the back of my car after not being able to take it to the tip 2 months ago while clearing out to move house.
It got left in a damp conservatory by my brother so the neck got warped and the varnish has come off, but it’s still got her silly stickers on. She died nearly 20 years ago.

Completely get this. Each little thing seems to take you further away. I hate the fact that my dad never saw the house we live in now, but even worse is that he never met my daughter (he did meet my boys). But little things get me just as much. I have several books of his that I just can’t part with even though I have absolutely no use for “Basic Physic” or “Cathedrals of England.” Things are a connection but of course the connection is still there even when the thing has gone, just like things in the dark are still there even though you can’t see them.

For me it was really really daft things.

A peg bag (still have it but don't use it now).
A clothes horse. Someone broke it and I lost my shit, because it was my mums. I still use it, broken.

I know it's pathetic. Can't help myself.

I remember when I divorced my exh and we sold our house I cried not because of losing the house but because my Dad had been in my house and I know this sounds really weird but because he wouldn't know where I was. It was obviously an emotional time for me. I suddenly remembered Dad asking me on the morning of my wedding if I was really sure I wanted to get married.

@Undertown Things are a connection but of course the connection is still there even when the thing has gone, just like things in the dark are still there even though you can’t see them. Perfectly put and a very comforting thought, thank you.

As PP have said, photos seem to help a little. You sound perfectly normal to me. Take care.

I don’t think this feeling ever really goes away. It’s more than thirty years since my dad died and I still get it. Sometimes it’s stuff linked in that way, like moving from a house he knew, other times it’s things he’ll never see, like my kids, or a new road!

My sister kept his car when he died and when it was old and beyond repair, gave it to someone to do banger racing! It was a brilliant send off and would have made him laugh.

It sounds completely normal to me - grief is just like this. So sorry you lost him, it sounds like you had a lovely relationship

I’m sorry for your loss.

FWIW, I can (unfortunately) relate to what you’re saying, so it sounds totally normal to me.

@Undertown ”Things are a connection but of course the connection is still there even when the thing has gone, just like things in the dark are still there even though you can’t see them.”

Perfect put and very true.

I am very lucky that Dad saw our forever home, met all my children, the youngest won’t remember him but the rest do and saw that I’d achieved something in my career but gosh I wish he was here to see the mundane stuff and make his opinions known.

We’re not long into the second year since he died and a few people said the second year is almost harder than the first as everyone else has moved on, I didn’t realise how true that could be.

I have moved house since my DF died. I get sad he will never see our home - I get it