Turning 40 without my parents

[MeinKraft]

I feel daft even writing this as i’m very much not into birthdays or dates in general. My dad died when i was 24 and my mum died 2 years ago, both suddenly. I coped quite well when my mum died as I suppose i had experience of loss and knew how to manage things and I was on Sertraline then (i’m not anymore)

However I am turning 40 in a week and it’s just hit my so hard that I won’t have my mum there. As I say i’m not into birthdays and i’m not planning anything special so I can’t figure out what my problem is! I keep crying about it and i’m so annoyed at myself. I don’t want to ruin Christmas for my kids by going about being miserable about a day in the calendar.

Is this normal?! What do i do? Maybe I should go back on the sertraline?

Of course it’s normal! I’m not bereaved but will also turn 40 (as I did 30) without my parents as my dad is a high level alcoholic with MH and anger issues who lives overseas, and my mum is locked in a domestic violence relationship where the abuser has done their utmost to turn her against us (and it worked). I haven’t seen either of them in years and expect never to see them again. I did read about her abuser being convicted of bartering her though in the local newspaper but they are, of course, back together.

Your case is different though as there are nice memories to be cherished. Can you do something on the day to honour them? Could you order a lovely wreath to lay, or gather some family for a toast and small celebration? 💐

Any life event gets you thinking about your parents, I lost my Mum in my 40’s and my Dad in my 50’s, I still think of them, but I know they would want me to be happy, so although it’s upsetting and especially Christmas Day for me is hard as my Dad loved Christmas Day at our house and would always say they were his best days ever, we do mention them and if I get upset I take myself upstairs for a cry.

40 is young to have lost both parents. I think on big birthdays and at Christmas it is natural to remember everyone we have loved. Take a bit of time for yourself, go for a walk whatever you enjoy. See how you feel and maybe restart the tablets if you need them.

I understand, I'm in the same position as you and sometimes it feels so unfair. Personally I try to book a day off work if there is a tough anniversary coming, and I'll spend some time outdoors to remember them, do something little for myself. Remember that they would want me to put myself first for once. I generally feel better the next day and ready to smile again.

Thank you everyone. I think i’ll book off the day before and visit the cemetery and maybe go for a walk round the forest. Hopefully it’ll get it out of my system.

Of course it’s normal OP! Whether you do birthdays or not it’s still a significant age, especially without your lovely parents.

Don't beat yourself up, you’re allowed to feel how you feel its totally valid, you won’t ruin christmas.

Do you have anyone that you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with? Sometimes it helps to just offload.

Sending lots of love x

You were very young to lose both parents and if will hit you at milestones. It will be very normal but sad and overwhelming too wondering about what you’ve missed out on. I’m about to lose a parent and have been saying that I feel too young to do so. I suspect between 50-60 is much more typical.

Been thinking about you this evening, how are you? I didn't really acknowledge that you're considering going back on sertraline. You will know what is right for you (or maybe there's a partner or friend you can talk to about it?). If sertraline will help then worth looking into, you could make an appointment with the doctor?

But don't worry about your kids seeing you sad. It's a normal emotion and totally understandable. I don't know the age of your kids but mine even when young, understood that sometimes I felt a bit sad but that I'd be ok in a while.

I think it's completely normal. I lost my parents at similarish ages to you and I definitely relate. From everything I have read and learned over the years, it is completely normal for people who lost their parents young (as you have) to experience a resurgence of grief at milestones. Even when they haven't been consciously thinking about it.

Let yourself feel how you feel and look after yourself while you're feeling this way (being annoyed and talking harshly to yourself does not meet that brief!) - that's the only way for the emotions to drain away.

Milestones are a big deal they're not just a date in the calendar. It's important to mark moments that matter to us, to let us feel how we feel so we can process what it means for us and what is important to carry forward with us.

Statistically most people don't experience losing both parents until their 50s and 60s so you're unlikely to have many/any people around you who relate. But that doesn't mean that your reaction isn't normal or justified. Your mum should have been here for this and it's sad that she's not.

Grief isn't linear. It does resurface at moments like this. For me, I find that it also makes it easier to connect with memories when the grief resurfaces like this and that in turn makes me feel closer to them, which brings comfort. It is bittersweet though.

I think booking the day off is a good idea. It might be a tough and intense day but I hope you can find some peace and connect with memories that bring you comfort too. 💐

I'll be turning 44 without either of my parents in a few weeks, It's very normal to be upset. They were gone too soon 68&75. Do what you need to be ok on the day. I get lots of love from my husband and son and friends and in laws. It's made even harder by the fact that my best uni friend should be turning 44 that day too, but join my dad in heaven 10 days after he'd gone there... it was expected kind of, but still hurts.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful posts, I don’t have the emotional capacity (sorry i can’t think of a less wanky turn of phrase!) to reply to each of you but i’ve read them all they’ve all really touched me. It’s lovely to have support through this. My birthday is tomorrow so i took today off and went to the cemetery. It was nice and i’m glad I did it. I’ll be even gladder when this weekend is over! I’ve been reflecting a lot about birthdays gone past and all that and i’ll be glad to just be able to put it to bed for a while to stop my racing thoughts. It’s helped a lot to know this is a normal thing on milestone birthdays though so thank you all x

You don't owe us individual replies. I'm glad you found a plan that helped and I hope you were able to have a nice birthday day and are feeling a bit more peaceful now. Take care.