How do you parent whilst grieving? (TW late miscarriage / second trimester pregnancy loss)

[Wishingforwhatshouldhavebeen]

Hi,

I hope it’s ok to post this here and I’m so sorry for anyone else who is grieving. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how to be a good parent whilst grieving? I’m a stay at home mum to a nearly 3 year old, we lost our second little boy last week whilst pregnant and I gave birth to him 2 days later. I’m really struggling with how to cope, all I want to do is curl up and cry. I know I can’t and I haven’t but everything just feels so hard. To add to everything else I’m also now terrified of something happening to our child at home in a way that I never have been before. My husband is struggling too but has had to go back to work as the days we spent in hospital and “saving” a day for the funeral has used up all of the leave his work offer, but that’s a rant for another day.

We’re meeting the funeral directors today and then have a Father Christmas visit on Friday. My emails are either about post mortem arrangements or shipping confirmations for Christmas presents. The contrast between these two worlds just feels too much to cope with. Our son at home really gets Christmas this year and is so, so excited about it and I really want to be able to give him the magical Christmas we’d wanted to I just don’t know how when everything is so raw. Any advice would be really gratefully received. And again I’m so sorry for any else struggling too.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I haven’t had this experience losing a child but when my mum died unexpectedly I had a toddler. I found it difficult, I don’t think there is an easy answer.

I cried in the shower in the morning to disguise the sound of sobbing and then just put on my brave face. I accepted help from other people. I got out in fresh air - being at the park, in the woods, seemed to do me good.

maybe someone else will have better ideas

I’d also add - give yourself a break. You don’t have to push yourself to create a perfect Christmas this year. Your ds will still have a lovely time, and you need to give yourself space to recover physically and emotionally.

That winter when my mum died, I let the in-laws handle Christmas Day, and on Boxing Day dpil offered to look after my kids so I could just have a day to myself. Best gift I’ve had in decades, I think. The kids were thoroughly spoiled by their grandparents who loved having them to themselves, and I simply let myself experience my grief and enjoy some much needed silence.

I am really, really sorry that this has happened to you. Its a pain like no other. I lost my little boy an hour after he was born and the grief was unreal.

When you are a mum, with another child who needs you and doesn't really get what has happened you really don't have much choice but to try and 'pretend' you are okay when you are with them, then when alone let it all out and cry, then pull your big girl pants up and go again. It shouldn't be like this, but that is the reality. And I agree, its bloody hard when you heart aches like never before.

Are you close to your parents? Do you have siblings/friends who can take some load off and do some things with your other child while you take time to do the practical stuff and allow yourself the space to grieve? My Mum and Dad were my rock when my little boy died and I honestly don't know how I coped without them, even though they were heavily grieving the loss of their grandson too. But we were all in it together, and we all supported one another and did our best.

Like a previous poster said, you don't need to create the best Christmas ever, just as good a one as you can muster up for your child. They will not really remember it much and won't care too much as it will still be a magical day.

I also want to say that I totally understand the fear of losing your other child. The pain of losing a child is horrific and you suddenly become so scared of something happening to the other. It is very normal for you to be feeling this way. That fear will fade, your grief will lessen over time and life will get back on track but it will take time.

Sending hugs and I hope that you manage to give your little boy a lovely send off. It will be the hardest thing you will do, but you will get through this, I promise and there is a life at the other side of this grief.

xx

@Lebkuched and @ErlingHaalandsManBun thank you both so, so much for your genuinely lovely messages and for sharing your stories. I am so very sorry for both of your losses.

We were suppose to be hosting Christmas for my husband’s family but have handed that off to my MIL now, which is making that slightly easier. And we’ve had lots of childcare support from both my parents and my MIL so that’s helping too, although comes with the expected toddler behaviour crash afterwards as he’s definitely been allowed to get away with a bit more than normal! Trying very hard to put my brave face on during the day but as you both said it’s hard.

@ErlingHaalandsManBun thank you as well for your reassurance around the fear and grief fading, I’m hopeful that will happen to me too because right now it just feels impossible. I am so very, very sorry that you lost your little boy too. It is heartbreaking.

Thank you both again, I appreciate your responses so much.

@Wishingforwhatshouldhavebeen I am pleased you have family support. They will help you as you navigate your way through this really hard time in your life.

I honestly remember feeling like I would never ever get over losing my son. I couldn't picture a day when I would be able to smile again. But slowly, and with my husband and family supporting me, I eventually came out the other side. I also got in touch with SANDS where I was able to connect with other parents/mothers who had lost a baby and could completely resonate with me and the way that I was feeling. These new connections were a lifeline for me and stopped me from feeling so alone.

Someone said to me at my little boys funeral 'the sun will one day shine again' at the time I never believed it, but it did.

Take care of yourself x