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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Chapel viewing

21 replies

ambermycat · 03/12/2025 00:25

Please could you share your experiences of viewing after loved ones have been in mortuary storage for 5 weeks then taken to funeral directors? Due to circumstances I won't go into we're in this situation currently and I'm being advised against a viewing.

OP posts:

Velveletteslonleylonelygirlami · 03/12/2025 00:34

Iirc we saw a close relative after four weeks and to me it wasn't any different to what we had saw before.
If you've had professional advice not to view then perhaps heed that advice and don't be left with a traumatic memory as grief in its self is enough to deal with.
Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

ambermycat · 03/12/2025 00:55

Thank you x I should have worded it better (been a very long day), they said he may not be in a condition good enough as deterioration may have set in, once they have taken him into their care they'll know more. It was the talk of possibly having to sign waivers etc and not knowing how long before he was found - possibly a couple of days - but I feel I need to so all this actually feels real.

OP posts:

Velveletteslonleylonelygirlami · 03/12/2025 01:01

What a terrible situation to be in ,I hope you find the solution that's right for you.

Original poster

ambermycat · 03/12/2025 01:02

Thank you x

OP posts:

Londog · 03/12/2025 01:07

I’m very sorry for your loss xx
The funeral director advised us not to see our dm, but to remember her as she was .. we took that advice and I don’t regret it as I feel she wouldn’t have wanted us to see her in a state of deterioration.. but I understand that your circumstances were different and you feel you need closure, see what the FD guides you to xx ❤️

CheeseIsMyIdol · 03/12/2025 01:10

If you are being advised, it’s probably best to skip the viewing. 💐💐💐
condolences on your loss.

(if you were in the deceased’s place, wouldn’t you prefer that not be anyone’s last memory of you?)

Mikart · 03/12/2025 06:51

I saw ds after 4 weeks and they had to put a lot of make up on him. Its the first and last time I would ever do that.

MyThreeWords · 03/12/2025 06:58

Seeing DS in the hospital shortly after he had died was positive in that it really was him, really him. I felt like he was there, asleep.

I saw him again a week or so later in the funeral place. He had make up on. He was harder, less real. It wasn't traumatic but it didn't help. It was just more confusion and blankness.

DoubleShotEspressox · 03/12/2025 07:06

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation Op. It must be horrendous.

My former job meant that I worked with the deceased a lot. And if the coroner or mortuary techs are advising against a viewing, then please listen to them.

Hard to answer with few details but, from my experience, it won’t give you closure, and is quite likely to traumatise you. You can find other meaningful and special ways to say goodbye.

Original poster

ambermycat · 03/12/2025 07:09

Thank you, really appreciate the advice - will have to wait and see what they say once they have him. I think as I've been so adamant about seeing him they've had to prepare me for what could happen to him to make him unviewable 😞

OP posts:

SparklyGlitterballs · 03/12/2025 07:16

Hi OP. I'm very sorry for your loss. I used to be a funeral arranger. Whilst embalming can do a lot to improve the appearance of a deceased person, sometimes a LOT of make up is required to make them suitable to be viewed, and then they just don't look natural. There are some signs of deterioration that it's incredibly difficult to disguise, and the application of make up can make it worse.

Take the advice of your funeral director. If they're advising against a viewing then they're doing it for a reason and to try and save you some heartache. If viewing isn't possible, you could go and sit with your loved one while they're in a closed coffin. Obviously it's not the same, but it allows you to be close to them.

Mikart · 03/12/2025 07:46

MyThreeWords · 03/12/2025 06:58

Seeing DS in the hospital shortly after he had died was positive in that it really was him, really him. I felt like he was there, asleep.

I saw him again a week or so later in the funeral place. He had make up on. He was harder, less real. It wasn't traumatic but it didn't help. It was just more confusion and blankness.

Yes thus. Ds looked like him but not quite. His mouth was wrong.

Mayflower282 · 03/12/2025 07:51

I understand that feeling of wanting to see the body - it helps your brain understand and come to terms that they are definitely gone. If you need to see him to help process his death go for it. But if it’s any help, I didn’t see my mothers body but when I saw the casket at the funeral and knew her body was in there my brain kinda clicked that she had died.

crossedlines · 03/12/2025 08:27

I’m so sorry; this is a tough decision to make.

FWIW, I viewed my father’s body when he died (natural causes and no lengthy time between the death and viewing.) It wasn’t traumatic, the body looked the same, but somehow it didn’t feel like him. It was his body but the essence of him (soul? spirit?) had left.

when my mum died a couple of years later (again, old age and natural circumstances) I decided not to view the body and I felt comfortable with that decision. Seeing and touching the closed casket at the funeral was the ‘goodbye,’ knowing she was truly gone. I think it’s fairly common now to approach the casket and place your hand on it or maybe leave a flower on it, before leaving, and for me this felt right. While I don’t regret viewing my dad’s body two years previously to that, I can now see that it didn’t make any difference in terms of saying goodbye. He was already gone.

it just be so hard in your situation as you feel a strong need to see the body. I feel if id been advised against it for any reason then id trust that judgement that it could be traumatic seeing your loved one like that for the last time.

Brightbluesomething · 03/12/2025 18:28

So sorry for your loss. When my DM died my DF advised both me and my DB not to see her. Quite strongly. I did as asked but my DB wanted to see her. He really regrets this as this is his final memory of her.
I understand where you’re coming from as seeing my Grandparents and other DB helped me process the grief. But I’m glad I listened to my DF. I’d go with the funeral director’s recommendation. Otherwise this could be even more traumatic for you at an already difficult time.

BugsyMalone6891 · 23/12/2025 18:16

I'm sorry for your loss.
I did see my Dad the day before his funeral- approximately 6 weeks after he had passed. Circumstances and distance meant I couldnt see him at the time.
He died in hospital so there wasn't much down time between death and mortuary.
I asked to see him and asked if he was looking okay and was told "nature is taking its' course"
He actually looked okay, some slight discolouration around his nose, but the smell of decomposition was very strong and took a while for me not to be smelling it at random points afterwards.
I think sometimes funeral directors tell you no for a very good reason. If it were me I would ask them to tell me exactly why they don't recommend a viewing then make your decision from there. I am glad I saw my Dad one last time.

Randomchat · 23/12/2025 18:25

We viewed a loved one after a few weeks. He was in his coffin and there was a sort of gauze cover over him. So we could see the outline of his body and knew it was him but we couldn't see him close up. His face was covered too. I guess he didn't look very good any more.

I hated it because I knew that he wasn't himself underneath the cloth but I still had to look at him. If that makes any sense. And there was a smell. It was disguised with air freshener and flowers but there was a smell. I still remember that.

I found it more comforting to sit with him when the coffin was closed. I knew he was there but I was a step removed from the deterioration. I knew it was still happening but it wasn't in my face.

I don't think about him in that way now though. I did at first. My first thought of him now is when he was well and healthy.

So whatever you choose to do I hope the good memories rise to the top for you too x

biscuitscake · 23/12/2025 18:35

I viewed both my parents and I am so glad that I did. They were both embalmed. My DM, I went to see with my DF - she looked pretty much the same as she usually would but it was strange, like looking at a shell of her. For me, I just wanted complete closure even though I was with her when she died. I was so glad that I saw her and it was a comfort for me to be there for my DF.

My DF, I went alone to see him. He looked less like himself tbh but it was 3 weeks after he died that I saw him so that could be why. It was similar to my DM and like looking at an empty shell of him. It was important to me to see him for the final time. I always wanted to do everything I could for both my DM and DF and for me, that final viewing was my last act of love for them and for me to say goodbye. I totally understand that it's not for everyone - I have 3 siblings and none of them viewed either of our parents. Most of my friends have also said they would not want to view their parents so I think you definitely have to follow your own heart with this.

Original poster

ambermycat · 23/12/2025 22:47

Thank you all for your advice and experiences - I thankfully was able to see him, although I could see how much makeup was on his face and his eye sockets were sunk. I caught a glimpse of his hands under the cover and understood why I had been warned. It wasn't pleasant, I guess these things rarely are but I am so glad to have seen him, spoken to him and kissed his forehead. His funeral was last friday xxx

OP posts:

gogomomo2 · 23/12/2025 22:52

I’m glad you found comfort. We are all different so it’s important to do what right for you and not what others expect

Hallywally · 24/12/2025 12:31

I didn’t want to see my mum or dad - I was with both of them when they died (many years apart) and I knew straight away. I already found the process of watching them deteriorate and then die and see them dead in hospital quite traumatic & neither of them looked like my parents when they lay dead in the hospital. I just wanted to get away both times (but hung on longer for family members who wanted to spend time with them). No right or wrong- such a personal decision.

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