My dad just died and I’m struggling to deal with family Dynamics

[disappointed101]

How do I deal with close family members that weren’t close with him in real life but make all the noise on socials now he is dead? People that make it about them and seeking attention. I’m struggling when I choose to remain private with it all and yet I was the one there in the final hours and they not. Do I let this go? Do I have it out? Maybe they have a right to be as they need but I’m finding it difficult and disrespectful.

Let it go OP. Focus on yourself and close family. I'm sorry for your loss.

Ignore it otherwise you will drive yourself bonkers.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad earlier this year.

You must try and let this go. There will always be people who love the drama and attention that surrounds this kind of thing. Drawing sympathy when they don't deserve it. There is nothing really you can do but try to rise above it. Stay off social media and don't get involved with it.

YOU know the reality of the situation so please try and just maintain focus on yourself and those you are closest to. You and they are the ones that really matter.

Sending hugs x

@disappointed101 I’m right there with you, I’ve been knocked sideways by the reaction of people who in my mind ‘barely knew’ my dad. I’m also struggling with other people’s expectations of how I “should” be grieving.
That being said I choosing to let it go and focus on myself because at the end of the day no one really knows what my relationship with my dad was like other than me and he knew how much I loved him so that is all that matters.
I allow myself to have moments/uncharitable thoughts about these people (and have even written some of them down as you have here) but won’t act on it, instead choosing to think that everyone grieves differently and just because I wouldn’t do that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
I’m so sorry for your loss x

I'm sorry for your loss.
Yes, let this go you don't need to waste your energy and often the truth will always out. I'm sure others are already noting the same.

So very sorry for your loss.

It’s frequently like this in families. People twisting things to make them the most hurt or the best carer or somethimg when you know the truth.

Happened to me and I went a bit angry at the funeral. Probably made a fool of myself because I was so angry at those liars and manipulators. Bastards.

I was Stupid really. Achieved nothing and while I was justified I would have appeared unhinged to anyone that didn’t know the awful things theyd done and covered up.

If I could go back to that time I’d just distance myself, call it grieving, and ignore the whole lot of them. My dad knows the truth of who did what and said what and felt what. And that’s all that matters.

Keep your dignity. Youll look back and be glad you did. If anyone needs taken down a peg do that way way after the funeral. Once the will is sorted too. Away from others.

So sorry for your loss.

We had that too. It only takes a few questions from others to show their posturing for what it is. As soon as people ask when the last time they saw/spoke to the loved one was, opinions on the tributes tend to reset.

Just wait till the funeral… My aunt, who was openly hostile towards my dad, made a big song and dance during speeches, lots of loud “hear hears” - which was just odd. And his estranged brother, who was a total weirdo - tried to lord it about. My immediate family just chose to ignore them. The people who loved Dad were there, and that’s what matters. I’d just let it go if I were you. People just do weird stuff.

In sorry for your loss . I'd just mute their socials for a few months , and tbh you are going through your own feelings of loss and don't need to take on theres .

Thank you all for being the voice of reason. Yes I think I just need to try and let it go.

Can you just disable SM for a while? 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like a lovely daughter.

Unfortunately, there are a few weird people who relish in the drama of it all and like being the centre of attention and gossip - making it all about them. These are the very people who are unable to hold you, check in with you, do something to help etc.

There's a saying - 'when people show you who they are, believe them'.

Let it go. You can't control their actions and behaviours. Step away and leave them to it. Otherwise it will drive you mad, being unable to do anything, say anything without getting sucked in their drama.

Ignore ignore ignore.

My Dad's family were an absolute nightmare when he died. I ended up blocking them all from my mobile and arranged a direct cremation as I wasn't having any of that shit around my last memories of him on this earth. We buried his ashes months later quietly and with dignity. I'm now the family outcast but that's fine by me. Bunch of nutters, the lot of them. No wonder Dad didn't reach out when he was in his last weeks and refused to see them.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, look after yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Block everyone you can on SM and have someone run interference for you if possible. People act really weird when someone dies. Ignore as much as you can and don't engage. It will be easier to let it go as time goes on.

Your grief is not diluted or lessened by their posts. Mute or snooze them for a bit, or just stay off socials for now if easier.

I am sorry for your loss.

I agree with @WinterBerry40 and @Zempy- just mute people so you don’t see any of the social media attention seeking or performative grief. If you’re anything like me when my DF died, you’ve got a lot of emotion and it’s easy to direct that towards anger and say something you can’t take back, and just generally make your own life even harder by ruminating over other people’s behaviour.

People do behave very strangely and often very insensitively at a time like this and there isn’t much you can do. The best thing is to protect yourself from it by taking a break from social media or at least those people on social media. Look after yourself @disappointed101 it’s a very tough time and injustices and unkindnesses feel very acute and painful.

I had a different problem in that my DF died during Covid and my best friend at the time never so much as sent a text to acknowledge he’d died, even though she knew him and knew he was very ill. When I saw her a few months later by chance and said ‘my father died’ she just said ‘yeah I heard, can’t remember where, what am I like?!!’ and then she laughed. And I got back in my car and sobbed. People are very strange.

I’m really sorry about your Dad. Surround yourself with the ones you trust and look after yourself. 💐