Another way?

[whatshould2025]

This time last year my mother 80, was diagnosed out of the blue with AML- an aggressive blood cancer. She was gone 4 weeks later due to pneumonia. It was all so traumatic and to this day I wonder how we could have made the last few weeks better for her. I didn't know what to do. The oncologist suggested mild chemo, many blood transfusions. That controlled her cancer a but chemo lowered immunity and pneumonia with some aspiration kicked in. Oh the pain of the cannulas, the needles. Then there was a stroke and she couldn't eat. But was so hungry. I shouldn't have taken her to hospital. I should have kept her at home and made her comfortable. She wanted to come home. But couldn't as she couldn't survive without an oxygen mask and I was struggling to arrange that at home. A year on, I can't still come to terms with the pain, the hunger, the sleeplessness she endured. And I watched. Unable to do anything. I should have kept her at home and made her comfortable. But I was afraid of catastrophic bleeding and thought hospital was better. It was not.

You did the absolute best you could with the information you had. And realistically, how would you have made her comfortable? She still wouldn't have been able to eat or sleep well. She would have had to wait longer for changes in pain meds if her condition altered, and the risk of the bleed was there. She would have been at home, distressed, and you would have been even more helpless as you'd have been trying to call in overworked nurses to visit and help and waiting hours for them to come. You made the right call.

Im sorry for your loss. I think you made the only and best decision you could. At the risk of being blunt, if someone is at risk of catastrophic bleeding and can’t eat and needed oxygen you couldn’t have made them comfortable at home. Your mum was better off being under medical care. Caring and dying at home could have been much more stressful for your mum because she would have been able to feel your distress and anxiety in having to physically care for her and make decisions about medication and knowing what symptoms were to be expected, whereas in a hospital professionals know what to expect and what drugs to give. Deaths like this are hugely distressing for both the sufferer and the relatives left behind but I truly believe you did the best for your mum. Regrets are part of the grieving process and it’s possible that’s why it is so hard at the moment. It may help to talk things through with a bereavement counselling service.

You did your very best. The distressing fact is that there isn’t any good way to go in these circumstances.

We lost a close relative to cancer in a short timespan earlier this year. He was at home. It was also awful and we wonder if taking the hospice option would have been better.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Yes we were the same. I honestly think hospice would have been better for everyone.

As others have said, you did your best.

I recently lost my Dad, and I absolutely blame the hospital for his decline, yes he had cancer, no he didn't have to die when he did. I will live with the regret that I didn't get him home sooner (he did die at home). On my worst days I blame myself, on a good day, I can rationalise that there was nothing I could've done differently.

I'm sure your Mom knew you were doing your very best for her.

Ah OP. If you had taken her home, you could be more traumatised than you are now. Guilt is such a overwhelming emotion when it comes to grieving. Your brain is trying to make sense of it all so pulls out the same stuff that doesn't make sense to process again and again.

One step at a time. Breath by breath.yiu did your best with the info you had.

You did the best you could. My nan died from a blood platelets disorder which became leukaemia and like your mum she was offered chemo plus blood transfusions as treatment. The consultant treating her described her as unlucky which was an understatement to say the least. She did well on this regimen but one afternoon in hospital it all went horribly wrong in terms of bleeding and she died soon afterwards. Her death was a visceral blow to me in my 20s and it took me a very long time to come to terms with it.

She was not well enough to be in her home nor to stay with us towards the end. Even now I sometimes wonder if we could have done more for her and the answer always has been no. We did all that we could to both make her time in hospital and with us in the earlier days of her ill health as comfortable as possible.

Thank you everyone. You are all so kind.