How do you answer when asked how many children you have?

[Grieftenyearson]

I'm lucky enough to have 5 DS. I know how lucky I am and am very grateful.

10 years ago our DD was born, very briefly living (she died on my chest as sin as she came out) during a TFMR (I didn't know this was possible).

I never know what to say. If I say 5, I pretty much always get, oh, a football team, you've got your hands full etc.

And I feel like I'm denying her when she was every bit as much my child as the boys.

Sometimes horribly insensitive people ask whether I kept trying for a girl (we didn't, we always wanted a large family since we were very young). I always feel that it is very rude and disrespectful to any of the bits who might be listening.

If I say 6, they want to know the sex ratio. And then I say, well, I had a daughter but she died at birth. Cue horrified silence, if I'm unlucky queries as to why I didn't try again (I did, I had two further pregnancies that didn't last beyond 8 weeks.

10 pregnancies in total and I decided my body and soul has had enough.

I don't want to deny my beautiful girl but I can't bear the questions. What do/ would you do?

Im so sorry for all of your losses and heartbreak. This sounds like such a difficult conversation whichever way you answer so I think it's whatever you are most comfortable with. E.g. if you don't know the person and don't want to tell them say 5 boys and move on. But if you want to talk about your baby girl then you should definitely say 6.

Oh my love, this is a very good question, and one that I ask myself very often. I have two children, but one of them died. That is the simple answer I want to give whenever the smalltalk questions come up about family. If I lie and say I have one child ... well, that is impossible. But if I tell the truth, then one or two more smalltalk questions will lead to me having to say that my son died, which can make the other people feel awkward, or make me feel that I have somehow trapped them into a deeper conversation than they were expecting.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. You have six children. Personally I feel that you should say that you have six. It is often possible to deflect the small talk a bit to avoid difficult questions. And perhaps you could rehearse a stock answer for any question that does involve mentioning your bereavement. On the whole, I have found that people can handle this sudden turn in a conversation reasonably well.

Im with PP, there's no right or wrong answer, it's all about how you feel in that moment.

Ive had a couple of colleagues tell me about children who died. I felt privileged to know about them. (And I still remember them - Dora and Paul.)

I am childless not by choice and I really understand the intrusive questions and the awkwardness when you answer. At a job interview about 25 years ago another candidate there was asked how many children she had and she said 2 daughters, one died at age 5. The person who asked went quiet and awkward but I have never forgotten that lady and her determination to keep her daughter’s name alive. When I meet someone new they inevitably ask if I have children and I say no. Cue the awkwardness or the intrusive questions but I no longer try and make the other person feel comfortable- they asked, that’s my story. It sounds as if you want and need to acknowledge your daughter and you should be able to if you want. It’s your story, it’s your daughter’s life and if people feel awkward they’ll have to deal with it. If you don’t want to answer further questions just say you aren’t comfortable with that.

Sorry to double post, but I feel grateful to the actor Rob Delaney, who lost one of his sons. He has written and spoken about it quite a bit and I heard an interview with him on the radio during which the interviewer asked him some small question about his family life. Something like "What do your children typically get up to at the weekend?"

Delaney answered: "Well, my living sons play football ... [etc.]" In other words, he was utterly straightforward about the fact that when someone asks him about "your children" it means all of his children, not just the ones who happen to be living, so that , naturally, he needed to indicate that not all of his children play football.

He said it so casually, so confidently, that it was easy for the interviewer to hear it exactly how it was meant: Not as a call to grief or sympathy, not as a brave defiance of tragedy, but as a simple core fact. Your children don't stop being your children when they die.

I’m so sorry your baby girl died. I agree that it is an “in the moment” thing - if you want to share more then do.

There are ways to shut down a conversation - one way is to mention your dd and then swiftly move on to something about your boys which prompts the conversation in that direction.

“Well we have 5 boys and one girl, but it is upsetting for me to talk about my little girl [name] because she died when she was a baby. A houseful of boys certainly keeps us busy! I can’t believe how quickly they are growing up - Ds1 will be picking his GCSE options next year!” (Or whatever).

It would be extremely insensitive for someone to go back to talking about your dd again after that, or asking why you didn’t try to have another baby(I actually winced when I read that people baldly ask you that - what is wrong with people!)

If someone does probe, you can rightfully be annoyed - “look I did already say I don’t talk about my dd much, and I’m not sure my reproductive intentions or success rate are any of your business!”

It is such a hard question and also one that tends to come up regularly in small talk. I have wrestled with it too- never wanting to deny the precious dead child but also not wanting to land something so devestating and personal onto a relative stranger.

Now that my living children are older I say things like

My mother in law also had 6 and lost one. She'd answer "5 living" when asked how many. People tended to not ask follow up questions but it didn't make any awkward silences.

She said it helped her feel like she wasn't forgetting about her lost one without any awkward explanations or backtracking.

I've had similar success when talking about my late OH. As long as I say late, people tend to just accept it without commenting, but if I say OH and later say he died I get lots of questions.

Sorry for your loss. I’m sure many people wrestle with how to answer this question. Thank you for posting.