My brother died and I found him

[twiddlingthumbs69]

My brother died suddenly six weeks ago. My mum and I went round to his house as she hadn’t heard from him for a few days. He was dead in bed, it was a mess. Such a total massive shock and traumatic.

ive had the image of him in my head since then. I thought I’d got passed that stage as it seemed to fade but it’s back again. I can remember every tiny detail from the time we first walked through the door..

im feeling, sad, stressed, anxious with surges of adrenaline. I’m totally fed up with it. It’s driving me mad. I do have some propranolol, which helps a bit and I’m doing rhythmic breathing.

I suppose I asking, is this normal? Will I get to a stage where my minds at peace with it?

That’s grim OP. How awful for you and your mum.

Yes, in time you will come to terms with it. You will start to remember him as he was at different times of your life. You will find that your relationship with him changes over time, even though he is dead. Gradually you will be able to carry forward the best of him in your heart.

You will always be sad that he died and you will always wish his death could have been different.

You will change, adapt and you will learn to deal with it.

But it takes time and no one can change that. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this.

@HoppityBun thank you x

I'm so sorry you experienced that. It's normal i think to process such an awful thing but you might want to seek counselling to help you move forwards. I'm sorry for your loss and everything you have been through.

How old was your brother? Would you like to tell us anything about him? My sister died just over 5 years ago. My Dad found her. He's shared some but not all of what he saw. The grief was difficult enough but I can't imagine that on top, please do see what help/groups might be available locally. Take care

I’ve not been in this exact situation but I’ve experienced a situation in which I witnessed a terrible accident resulting in death. The first few weeks were awful - I could remember everything in the tiniest detail and struggled to sleep or concentrate on anything. But within a couple of months, those experiences became less frequent and over time it became ok again.
I hope you’ll find peace soon and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

If the image is persistent and you also va s nightmares please refer yourself to local talking therapy service and explain the distress associated with this.

You may have developed trauma symptoms and need to be assessed

I’m sorry to hear this, you’re still in the shock phase, it can still take months to come to terms with what has happened. Gradually the very painful memories get replaced by your happier memories with him, not that you ever forget but it becomes easier.
how long it takes vary, but when my dad collapsed and died at our family home, it was 3-4 months before I started feeling a bit better, I started to allow good thoughts about him rather than focusing on his death.

Thank you all for your advice. He was 59 and an alcoholic. He died of a gastric ulcer so the scene was distressing. He could be funny and kind but could also be verbally aggressive and intimidating when drunk.
unfortunately the emergency services took 3 hrs to arrive so we were in the house with him all thst time. We were also there when they took him away. I’m going to get to the GP this week and get another prescription for propranolol. They do help and my brain needs a break. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses 🌹

I can recommend EMDR as a therapy. Google it to see if it would suit you. I was sceptical at first but was desperate to find help with my insomnia after major heart surgery and many post op complications. “It helps the brain process and heal from traumatic memories so they lose their intense emotional impact”. Lots to read on t’interweb.

I found my dad in similar circumstances a few years ago and, for a long time, the image of him lying there haunted me. What I found helped, at the suggestion of a bereavement counsellor I spoke to on the phone, was to carry a “happy” photo of him around with me at all times (I stuck it to the back of my phone) and every time the image of him lying there in bed came into my head, looked at the photo and remembered a happy memory. Eventually, I found that image replaced the bad one in my head and it was easier to think about him. I’m so sorry for your loss x

I can’t imagine how traumatic that was OP. I arrived just after my dad passed at the family home and had to see him lying there after he passed and also them taking him out. It’s hard to erase those memories and it does complicate the grief. I am hoping in time when j think of him I don’t think of that and I think of him in happy times. Really tough - I have read good things about EMDR too as I think my poor mum has more traumatic memories than me and may need some help in home. Sending love

*Trigger warning

I would also recommend EMDR therapy as it is designed to help us process and remap how our brain processes traumatic situations.

My situation is different. I lost my husband to suicide and whilst I didn't find it, I have lasting trauma from the circumstances leading up to and after his death. I very quickly accessed EMDR therapy, for me this was done privately as my local NHS couldn't provide it for many months and I needed to get back to work. The therapy was brilliant. It helped me to cope with the feelings caused by the mention of my husband, the flashbacks I was getting and the images triggered by certain words and situations on TV etc. I was approved for 12 initial sessions and I felt the benefit very quickly.

I found the therapy then meant I could access grief therapy as I could focus on my feelings about my loss, not the circumstances (if that makes sense). Even a few years on, I use the techniques I was taught when I am triggered and the trauma response is much reduced.

I wouldn't go straight to therapy at this point-it's only been 6 weeks! Give yourself time, it's totally normal to feel anxious and distressed for a while after something traumatic like that. Give yourself time to process it, and if you still feel the same in a few months then consider therapy, but it's way too soon now.

@twiddlingthumbs69 TRIGGER WARNING
I had almost the same experience 15 years ago. My brother lived alone and died of a variceal bleed, after being discharged from hospital. We hadn't heard from him for a few days so travelled down to see him. As soon as we got to his flat, I realised something was wrong. My poor husband peered through the letterbox and saw him collapsed in the hall. We had to call the police and wait to be questioned, before being required to identify his body. It was horrible and images took a long time to fade - especially for my husband, but eventually you do move on. I had a difficult relationship with my brother who could be very aggressive and nasty (MH problems) but I do know he loved me as much as he was capable of. Now I just feel sad for him and hope he is at peace - but I no longer feel stressed or guilty about what happened.

So sorry you are going through this Op. I had a similar experience and found my brother dead at his home after I called for a welfare check. Like your DB, my DB was an alcoholic. I remember really clearly being in his home identifying him while surrounded by police, ambulance men and other strangers, and not being able to decide whether to call his wife or his mother first. Terrible and I don’t think I’ll ever recover fully. But we talk about him a lot and we try to focus on times when we were all happy, and very slowly the happier memories are starting to come more often then the awful ones

I'm so sorry. It must've been dreadful for you both. Your brother is at peace now, free of pain and addiction. I hope you can think about times with him that were happy when he wasn't unwell.

Wishing you and your mum the best x

I was also going to suggest EMDR as a couple of PP have suggested. It is proven to be effective for trauma.

I actually had talking therapy immediately after a traumatic bereavement (daily support from a first-line psychologist in the first week and then within a week or two on to a bereavement counsellor which I continued for a year, at first regularly and then sporadically) though my situation wasn't the same - no mental images or flashbacks to process.

I would want some kind of professional support in your situation; what you have experienced is truly traumatic.

I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your DB.

I found constantly looking at old happy pics of my Mum helped fade the image I had of her after she'd died.
Also, I've heard that playing Tetris has a kind of EMDR-like effect, which might help until you're ready and able to access proper therapy. Hopefully someone might come along and elaborate on that...
Only other advice is look after yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feelings so they hopefully fade x

Memories are memories because we remember them - that’s scientifically proven. Each time you remember that scene, it’s cemented more into your long term memory. As someone said above, fill your mind with the positive memories of him. Cover your fridge with lovely images/photos of him, and every time you find yourself thinking of that moment, force yourself to think of a happy memory, a happy scene. It’s been six weeks so is still so fresh, but you can replace it with happy things so it is barely remembered over time. Access therapy as soon as possible (finances permitting)

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

I second this.

I had this with my mum and she died in a hospice. I could only see her all laid out and just remember her cold. It stayed with me for quite a while. But it did fade and I can remember her as a person again now. It took me a while though.
i can’t imagine how it would have been if I’d found her. Take care of yourself. Distract yourself and be kind to yourself. I am so sorry for your loss. X