My mum died yesterday

[Sugarpopsicle]

She had been in a care home since August when her seemingly moderate dementia (frequent bad tempers, bad memory) descended into hallucinations (thinking dead relatives were trying to kill her).

She was hospitalized for 22 days and moved to a care home. Post psychosis, she went from eating & drinking normally, walking, watching TV to needing a feeding tube and a wheelchair.

She started to improve in the care home; occasionally playing the piano, having conversations (albeit speech slightly slurred due to antipsychotics). She had no memory loss.

Last week she developed a mild chest infection and was taken to hospital out of an abundance of caution. She was improving, about to be discharged. She suddenly got worse, got very drowsy and went to sleep and never woke up. Turned out the lung infection had brought on sepsis which the strongest of antibiotics couldn’t fight.

I knew her prognosis post psychosis was never going to be good but I didn’t think she’d be gone so soon. I’m 50, only child, no kids, father passed away 17 years ago and feel like I’m all alone and the last person who fundamentally cared about me, did things for me, is gone. I’m not, with friends and spouse but the feeling of complete loneliness is really overwhelming. Over the last 10 years, I’ve been the one who’d been doing everything for her so I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. And I’m really really sad. I can’t find any comfort anywhere and I just wanted to know what you lovely ladies think.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I completely understand how you feel, I have now lost both my parents and my only sibling and I feel cast adrift. A sense of loneliness I can’t explain. It will get better, I promise. In the meantime be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to reach out to people in real life or on here.

Sorry to hear about your mum . Fellow only child here , with father already passed away when mother died .

It's a very odd feeling . You realise all your family memories cannot be reminisced about - holidays , Christmases , little family in jokes , or cosy nights in you are the only person who holds them dear in your heart now .

I'm nearly 10 years on from that now , it will be hard for you , but you will come out of the other side .

Look after yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss my mum died at the beginning if the year its been harder then I ever imagined it would ,💔

I’m so so sorry for your lossOP, and for how you’re feeling. Your situation is almost identical to me three and a half years ago, and I completely understand everything you’ve said. Like you, I watched my mum’s dementia develop, was with her through two hospitalisations which brought on psychosis and move to a care home, and then finally a fairly quick ending after she developed pneumonia when she aspirated food after a moderate stroke just a couple of days before she had been due to be discharged. My dad died 30 years ago and I lost my brother 14 years ago, and my mum started to develop noticeable problems a couple of years later, so I was the only person left to love her and look after her. My husband tried to help but his own mother was going through dementia too so she had to be his priority.

I know just what you mean about feeling alone and the loneliness, despite having a spouse and friends - somehow there’s nothing quite the same as the way your mum loves you. I found everything really overwhelming when I lost my mum but for the first few weeks and months I just focused on trying to do the best I could for her in terms of her funeral arrangements, sorting out her estate, and clearing out her house, and I think she would have been very happy with how I did everything. I tried to treat all her possessions with as much respect as I could and found homes for as much as I could with friends and their children who were setting up home. I’ve still got several boxes of her treasures which I can’t part with, and many many more things that I now have on display and remind me of her constantly. She became a prolific artist in her 80s and I’ve got a wall covered in her framed paintings. My husband thought I was morbid but I kept a small lock of her hair, which I actually take great comfort from.

it’s so normal to feel overwhelmed at this time, and apart from the fact that it’s your mum you’ve lost, you will also have a big gap in your life in terms of the time you’ve been spending with your mum. It’s been the hardest time of my life so far, but there WILL eventually come a day when you don’t cry, and when you can start to look back without a huge pain in your heart. It’s taken a long time for me to be able to look back and remember all the joy and laughter my mum brought to my life rather than the horror of the last three years of her life, but that has now happened and will for you too xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief is a very strange thing and it’s ok for it to feel surprising or not rational. She is your mum and of course this has hit you hard, with feelings of being alone and untethered.

could you afford some grief counselling? If not there may be a local charity that can support you. Processing grief is a tricky thing and professional support can be helpful.

I’m thinking of you and wish you well xx

And I agree so much with what @WinterBerry40has said about how strange it is to have no-one left to share family memories with.

Oh goodness @Sugarpopsicle Im so sorry for your loss. I think how you’re feeling is absolutely normal and absolutely understandable.

Take care of yourself op. It’s a really sad, devastating time

I'm sorry for the loss of your DM op, unfortunately I know how you feel, I lost df who also had dementia 3 weeks ago. He died from a chest infection. Its really shit and my heads all over the place but he was 'lucky' in a way he only had to endure his dementia for 3 years, he's now not suffering anymore. I'm trying my best to focus on that

Take care of yourself op x

Sorry for your losses too .

No matter how old you are you most people feel devistated when their Mum dies because she is the person most likely in the world to always put your best interest first and love you no matter what you do or say. I had a loving DH, and 4 very dear sisters when my Mum died but I still felt totally desolate and alone on the day she died, almost like a small child. Do you have anyone irl to talk to, a friend or even a colleague who can recognise how you feel? The undertaker will guide you through funeral arrangements. If you are alone try to join a few clubs to make some friends. Sorry for your great loss. 💐

I am so sorry to hear this. My dad died last year and it has been incredibly hard. My only advice is to take as much time as you need, accept help, and go easy on yourself