My mum died yesterday

[Sugarpopsicle]

She had been in a care home since August when her seemingly moderate dementia (frequent bad tempers, bad memory) descended into hallucinations (thinking dead relatives were trying to kill her).

She was hospitalized for 22 days and moved to a care home. Post psychosis, she went from eating & drinking normally, walking, watching TV to needing a feeding tube and a wheelchair.

She started to improve in the care home; occasionally playing the piano, having conversations (albeit speech slightly slurred due to antipsychotics). She had no memory loss.

Last week she developed a mild chest infection and was taken to hospital out of an abundance of caution. She was improving, about to be discharged. She suddenly got worse, got very drowsy and went to sleep and never woke up. Turned out the lung infection had brought on sepsis which the strongest of antibiotics couldn’t fight.

I knew her prognosis post psychosis was never going to be good but I didn’t think she’d be gone so soon. I’m 50, only child, no kids, father passed away 17 years ago and feel like I’m all alone and the last person who fundamentally cared about me, did things for me, is gone. I’m not, with friends and spouse but the feeling of complete loneliness is really overwhelming. Over the last 10 years, I’ve been the one who’d been doing everything for her so I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. And I’m really really sad. I can’t find any comfort anywhere and I just wanted to know what you lovely ladies think.

…. And also, Mumsnet is a great place for support for times when you are feeling alone. We are here.

I'm so sorry to hear this news @Sugarpopsicle Look after yourself. ❤

I am so, so sorry OP. One day you’ll be able to be thankful that your DM was spared a long drawn out descent into dementia and dependency, but now isn’t the time. Even when you know it’s coming, death is a terrible shock.

Five years on, I think about my mother daily. I seem to have a continuing relationship with her as I get older and enter phases of my own life that she showed me in her lifetime. I understand her better, I appreciate her more, she’s with me in that sense. I’m not in the least bit religious or spiritual, but she hasn’t left me.

I do hope this helps x

I’m so so so sorry. This is how I feel went to Boots yesterday - I suddenly realized I had no-one anymore to buy face-creams and conditioners for - and all these things that I always got her despite her saying I shouldn’t waste money. It’s just awful.

This is so poignant. I really needed to read this. I’m happy that she is with you and that your grief has transformed into eternal support and presence. Thank you ♥️

It really is. I am feeling a tiny bit less awful. I’m going to be coming back to this for a long time.

This really made me cry but in a good way. You’ve said it - it’s only one’s mother who’s interested in the minutae of their children’s lives.. I think in large part, it’s the sudden loss of that that’s created this chasm in my life. Thank you ♥️

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I'm an only child and about your age, and I relate so much to what you describe. The previous posts talking about the minutiae of motherhood, and the ongoing relationship as you experience similar life events as your mother experienced absolutely nail it. It's no comfort when you're in the depths of grief, but you aren't alone, many of us have had similar feelings. Best wishes.

I’m so sorry for your loss. X

So sorry for the loss of your beloved mum. Take care.

feel like I’m all alone and the last person who fundamentally cared about me, did things for me, is gone.
You’ve put into words exactly how I felt. I’m so sorry for your loss and understand the reminders that trigger memories and bring us to tears. Physically I wasn’t alone but mentally I was. It’s such a shock to lose a parent. It rocks our foundations. This sounds trite but you will rebuild with time then realise, when you respond to events in life, that your parents live on in you. x 💐

Sorry to hear this. Sending love and strength. X

So sorry for your loss
Thank you for this - I’m dreading when this happens but these threads share so much wisdom I feel like I’m preparing and building strength to draw on later.
I hope you take comfort in the small things including the support you’ve created through sharing your experience xxx

They do. I’ve realized a lot about my mother’s personality over the last 24 hours and see a lot of the good and the bad in me. It’s an interesting form of maturing. I recall someone saying you only grow up/become an adult once your parents are gone. It’s been just my mother and me for so long, the rug really has been pulled. It’s weird, but I keep thinking who will troubleshoot her iPad and be remote tech support now.

I am more than happy to have helped. Every single person on this thread is wonderful. I’m sure you do it already, but one thing I’m grateful for was living very much in the present even when her dementia became evident. I had that fear too. I think it’s inevitable but try not to let it take away the good in every day that you have with your parents. Not always easy I know, when parents are difficult and the relationships challenging, but still 🌷

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm wishing your grief transforms too. I can't imagine that it won't from reading how you felt her support psychologically even these past few years although you were the carer. She put love and strength into you and it will be part of you forever. Put it into yourself now and be kind and good to yourself. Death is so hard and so final and always so unexpected even when it's expected. I'm so sorry, OP. Our mothers are so fundamental.

Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Please take the best care of yourself that you can

I’m so sorry. The loneliness when you lose your last parent is enormous. I promise you that it will get better but for now just be gentle with yourself through this very sad time. Sending 💐

Oh I’m so sorry for your loss. 20 years on from losing my own mother and I still feel like she is with me, it’s a hard one, often times nobody loves you more than your mother. I hope you take comfort in the care you gave her when she needed you.

Sorry to hear about the loss. Try to remember the good moments and the good times.

Oh, I am so, so sorry! 💐

I am 51 and my second parent died last year. I am not married and have no kids. I do have a sister with three kids, but she lives thousands of miles away and has no spare room.

I find that the key is to just live your life doing the things that you enjoy, and - this is important - getting involved with your community. Lots of group stuff. Could be volunteering, could be area beautification, could be hospital volunteering, and then there are book clubs and such. If your parents are gone and you don't have your own family, then it's important to live what I call a well-peopled life.

However. That is for the future. Right now, you are reeling with grief. I was absolutely destroyed when my mother died 12 years ago. I thought I would never get over it. I lost various friendships because some treated my grief like it was nothing while I felt like I was journeying through hell. My life changed utterly and forever.

And you know what....miraculously, time healed me. It's a cliche because it's true. I thought I would never, ever get over it, but eventually, the world seemed the right side up again.

In my worst moments, I had the thought that it was better I suffered this bereavement rather than her suffering on and suffering on. (She had cancer.) I would not have wanted her to linger any longer.

Your mother may no longer be here, but you still have all the love she gave you. It's yours to keep, forever.

Poor OP. You will not always feel as bad as you do today. It will get easier, although it will take significant time and you'll have to be patient. I found that distraction was key. There's no shortcut through grief, nothing you can do to make it better or hurry it along, but on your better days - and there will be good and bad days, with no rhyme or reason - on your better days, distract yourself with a good film or something.

With both my parents, I found the 4-month mark to be very hard. Maybe that's when it sinks in more. Anyway, forewarned is forearmed.

Sending you many, many soft and gentle hugs.

P.S. I had the funeral home take a lock of hair from both my parents. Just wanted to mention that, as it's something you can't arrange later. I rarely look at them, but I find them very comforting as tangible proof of their former existence, as sometimes it seems like they were a dream.

Sorry for your loss x

I’m so sorry and I’m not surprised you are feeling as you do. It’s a shock and a huge loss and adjustment. Sending you condolences 💐

What a kind, insightful and supportive thread this is. There are many comments here which ring true for me. I hope it gives you some comfort OP to know that others have felt the same. Nothing will accelerate you through the complexity of the grief you are experiencing but with time you will become stronger. 💐