Hard to cope with MIL comments about DD

[Worrying1985]

I lost my mum suddenly around 4 years ago when my DD was only 2. We were very close and she was in her 60s when she had a collapse and died. So obviously a massive life altering shock and I still get days where I feel like I’m back in the early stages of grief and hardly coping.
I generally have a good relationship with my MIL who does a lot to help us, looking after DD after school one day a week etc. MIL’s mother died around 8 years ago, she was in her 80s.
Lately MIL has made comments literally every time I see her or when she’s looking after DD. She’s always saying how much DD takes after her ‘great Nana’ in her interests and characteristics. It’s really constant. MIL gets her doing activities that her DM used to do, eg sewing and knitting, and then relentlessly tells me how much she’s like her. My DM was also into these things - MIL knows this. She knows I’m attached to certain things my DM made etc.
I’m finding it tricky to deal with all these constant family comparisons and the sense that my own DM basically didn’t exist in terms of my DD and her heritage in MILs eyes.
I miss my DM so much and sometimes I just want to scream.

I don't think she's trying to be mean but she is being rather thoughtless.

Perhaps each time she says it reply with something along the lines of "yes DD had a grandmother and a great nana that were very talented at sewing/knitting it would be lovely if she inherits their talents. My mum would be very proud of her."

Repeat as often as needed.

I'm sure your mum would be very proud of both you and your daughter.

Yes, always reply as if she's praising your mother, not herself

Thanks both for replying. Grief is just an absolute beast. I don’t want to alienate her as it’s great for DD to have her of course. It’s just so hard at times not to snap at her.

You’re so right. Grief IS a beast.
Would you feel able to meet her remarks with a straightforward observation of your own so if she says “she’s so like her great-nana” could you say “That’s interesting. I often think how like my own mother she is She likes so many of the same things and I feel so sad that they won’t get to do them together”?
It’s just an honest, vulnerable statement. You might feel better for saying it out loud. No one can take your mother’s memory from you.

Thanks @SandrenaIsMyBloodTypethats such a calm and clear response. I will try! I find this tends to bother me most when I’m in a bit of a bad grief patch so I’m not sure I would be able to say ‘makes me sad’ without blubbering! But I can give it a go.

Can relate to this in so many ways. I’m so sorry you lost your beloved mum at a time in your life you needed and wanted her so much

If you have a good relationship with her, I wouldn’t do the passive aggressive thing of pretending that she was referring to your mum. I’d have a gentle, honest, conversation with her about how you are feeling.

Just something like, “Do you know, I see a lot of my mum in her. She also liked [x, y and z]. It helps a little to think that DD takes after her. Makes me feel like she’s not just completely disappeared, in a way, that she’s still here and won’t be forgotten. Sometimes I miss mum so much, it’s really difficult for me, but this helps”.

Edited to add: I’m so sorry you’ve lost your lovely mum. And do let your MIL see you cry - if she’s nice then let her see how important this is to you.

That is such a “thing” some people do. Project their own needs and interests onto children. My husband’s family were always doing this when our children were young, it is very tedious but in your situation that does sound very painful for you.

Eventually as the kids start to develop for themselves they usually stop engaging in this especially if you don’t encourage people pleasing in them. Hopefully it is not long coming around for you.

Talk to your DD about your mum, my DM did with me and although she passed before I was born I feel like I knew her, she was totally OTT at Christmas (just like me).
I loved listening to those memories /stories.

I thought it is some insults but this seems quite ordinary. Every old lady used to knit in the past. Get together and knit something all three of you

That sounds very hard. I am not surprised you feel like snapping back or crying.
Not sure if it helps, but I remember hearing once that for the father’s side of the family there is a biological ‘need’ to recognise the child as being of their own genetic line. On a subconscious level.

Sounds as if your MIL is still finding ways to process her own grief. And it sounds like you both have a need to see the continuing of your loved ones in your daughter too. Can you just join her in memories of Mum, in a non competitive way?

Just say , well yes, she has the knitting gene from both sides I suppose. No wonder she's so good.

Or You know I think your Mum and my Mum would have got on so well. I wonder what they would have made together.

You must miss her so much. I know i miss my Mum every day.

Agree with previous posters, your mother's memories cannot be taken from you. Moreover, you really knew who she was and that will always live on in you.

Let your MIL remind your DD and you about her mother and you remind your DD and her about your mother. Not in a competitive way but in a, yes DD benefits from generations who were creative people.