Help with overwhelm

[Greekcatmug]

I’m at my wits end with grief and feel overwhelmed with feelings. My dad passed 4 days ago in hospital after a very sudden cancer diagnosis a month ago. We thought he was coming home to die but he had pneumonia and was in absolute agony. He wanted to go and was 84 so had a long life. I was lucky enough to be with him along with sibling until he passed.

He has a partner 17 years younger and she has always been quite difficult and controlling with him. She gradually alienated his family and in turn turned him against them. She has been with him 15 years and I had always been friendly with her until I went round 2 years ago and she started shouting at me. I tried to stay calm and went to walk out but my temper got the better of me and I swore at her.
She lied to my dad and said that I’d attacked her and he believed her and my sibling and I were banned from going round there because if we did she would go home. (To Europe) So basically she blackmailed him and he in turn took it out on us and called me a liar. It was the worst time of my life up until now. We tried to resolve it but she wouldn’t have it.

He had started to soften and stopped blaming me in the last few months but I still wasn’t allowed round.

Now he has died I wanted to go round to his home and just sit in his chair just to feel close to him so I wrote her a kind letter and she refuses. I respect her wishes and think that she is mentally ill. I have accepted this and I know that she has plans to go home next week and I can go round then.

The thing is I’m not coping at all well and don’t see the point in carrying on. I love my children too much to do anything. I am also disabled which doesn’t help my MH.
I just want my dad. Is this normal to feel this way? I have never lost a parent before.

Do you have someone who can be the level headed to help deal with the partner clearing out the bank account and the house. It doesn't sound as if she's going to stick around for any funeral, can your sibling help?

I'm sorry for your loss OP, its horrible take one breath at a time, try and eat and drink. It throws you through mangler. Do you have someone looking after you?

Thankyou. My brother is friends with her and hates us. It’s all so complicated and I don’t know if she would do that. I don’t care about the money just want this feeling to go away. I’m finding it very difficult to cope. I don’t know if it’s the grief or everything else that has/is happening.

I think you're asking a hell of a lot of yourself to not be overwhelmed and in free fall only four days after the death of your dad, especially with the complicated prior relationship. Be kind to yourself x

I’m very scared of these feelings. Is it normal?
I do have my husband looking after my but he is finding it difficult to cope being neurodivergent and I’m not getting much emotional support from him. I can stay at my sisters but I just keep crying continuously and just want my own bed

Very normal. Try contacting Cruse, they specialise in helping people through grief

It's very normal OP. It's going to feel weird for a while until you process what's happened. It doesn't really go away, you make room for it. These early days you feel very raw and vulnerable.

It's fine to want your own bed. Let yourself be cared for. You've had a massive shock. Could you get someone to come and stay?

I think I will need to. Thankyou. I had suicidal thoughts last night and that scared me.

I don’t have anyone to come and stay but I go to my sisters daytime. I am reassured by knowing this is normal.

Hi op, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's seems a lot to deal with. Give your self time and space to grieve. Your feelings are very normal and valid and you are probably still in shock. I lost my dad a month ago, and although I don't feel suicidal, I had a strong urge to be with him. I just wanted to be wherever he was if that makes sense. Anyway take each day a time, and give yourself to process things.

VERY NORMAL OP. I lost my dad 2 years ago in December and honestly the first couple of months were a blur. It's horrible, but it is normal. Sending hugs.

Thankyou all. Sorry you have been through this too. I couldn’t feel anything at all last night after crying for days. I have been reading about grief and loving yourself for the sake of them. I keep thinking dad would want me to be kind to myself. I am going to think about him hugging me and making it better.

It’s completely normal. Losing a parent changes the ground under you. The mix of pain, anger, and guilt is part of grief, not a sign you’re broken. Please be gentle with yourself right now.

I have found that “What is Your Grief”, a website to help in grief-stricken times when there is not enough in the way of human strength around. I wish you well and do hope you find peace

Thankyou so very much for your kind words and support. It really helped me when I was very low. The What is your grief website really helped. I now feel so angry at my dad because he was pretty horrible to me the last couple of years but I was always there when he needed help . I suppose all this is normal. I can’t wait for the funeral to be over and done with.