Feeling lost and alone after funeral

[Totallybannanas]

It was four weeks after his death when we finally had the funeral, and I thought I was coping. The last six months before he passed were incredibly hard. I was his main carer and saw him every day. We went through that journey together. The cancer completely changed him, and as much as I loved him, I found myself wishing for it to be over. He was ready to go early on, and some days I even dreaded visiting. I also, selfishly, wanted my life back.

I was with him when he died, and I know I was lucky to be there, but the whole experience was deeply traumatic. Afterwards, I had to plan the funeral and clear out his home. When I went to see him, I wanted to make sure he looked peaceful, that he was in his pyjamas, groomed, and at rest. Oddly enough, seeing him like that brought me comfort, even though I knew he was gone. I wanted to hold his hand, but I knew it wouldn’t feel the same.

My sibling has been no help, their way of coping has been complete avoidance. I thought I was doing okay, but after the funeral, I’ve felt completely lost and alone. I keep looking up at the sky, wondering where he is, and I find myself longing to be with him, just to see that he’s okay. I went to the crematorium to see his flowers and to reflect on the day, wondering if some part of him was still there. That’s when I got the call to say his ashes were ready. I wasn’t prepared for that. It breaks my heart to think that he’s now just dust in a cardboard box. I’m dreading picking them up. 😔

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father recently, and like you I've found it much harder after the funeral. Have you contacted CRUSE? www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/ I found it took a few goes to get through to the helpline but there was some relief to talk to someone who understood.

He's not dust in a box, he lives on in your love for him x

It’s so hard. My dad died in January in similar circumstances and there isn’t a day that goes by without me thinking of him. Do you have any plans for the ashes? I didn’t want the ashes and asked the crematorium to scatter them in their garden, but I changed my mind and did watch the scattering of the ashes and it was so peaceful and I felt a bit more ‘complete’ and like something lifted afterwards. It’s such early days but you could try writing a letter to your dad or plan some sort of memorial that’s for you and your dad, such as plant a rose bush in memory or go on walk “with” your dad. Also reach out to others, even if it’s online forums because lots of us understand.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've recently lost my Dad after watching cancer slowly take him from us for 3 years, and the pain is just dreadful. I was also with him when he passed, and although I know I needed to be there, sometimes I wish I wasn't.

It's been 3 weeks since his funeral, and I feel like everyone has moved on (not my mom obviously) but the rest of the world carries on, no one talks about him anymore, yet every time I close my eyes I am back holding his hand for the last time.

Try and find comfort wherever you can, it's the sunrise for me, I can't explain why, I don't feel my Dad as such, but I feel something. Cry, scream, wallow, whatever it is you need to do, or feel, let it happen.

You have my deepest sympathies OP, it's so so heart breaking.

its really early days. I’m sorry there’s no one to support you. As others have said reach out to bereavement services and look up “ the grief pathway”. It really helps to understand how people process grief and range of emotions you will likely go through, I found.

Some people just don’t know how to interact with grief, sounds like your sibling is one of those. sadly, you will need to accept that and others that don’t want to grieve with you.

how old are you? If you’re retired, when you are ready , do look at joining your local U3A. Many people join after loosing their partner. It brings a cadence and rhythm to your week, a structure. A reason to get up, dress up, get out. It’ll give you Social interactions that will develop into friendships and the support network we all need as we get older. And a chance to distract yourself doing something positive and constructive. Most U3A offer a wide range of interest groups from physical/sport, to acedemic, to creative art and craft, and everything in between. Start small with joining one thing, then build up.

OP, you don't have to collect the ashes, if you don't want to. The funeral director can dispose of them for you, if you ask.
My in laws waited 10 years before collecting their mother's ashes (upon request frkm funeral director). I wish they had said "no", because clearly nobody wanted them, and now they're just in a box, in a cupboard in my bro-in-law's house. Pointless.