Nothing makes sense anymore without Mum

[Ankleblisters]

It's been nearly 6 months since Mum died. After the initial shock (it was completely unexpected and I found her) I thought I was coping surprisingly well and I felt pretty much fine all summer. But just in the last few weeks I suddenly feel like I don't know which way's up and utterly alone without her.

For context, I moved back home at the start of Lockdown 1 because her dementia was advancing and my father (who had just moved back home to her after several years working somewhere too dangerous for spouses to accompany) wasn't coping well with her needs alone. He was also still needing to travel occasionally for work.
So I spent 5 years making her the centre of everything, all day every day, and doing basically every element of caring for her, including all the toileting and washing. It was gruelling. But it was wonderful. She was wonderful.
Before moving in to care for her, my mental health had often been really poor and I spent nearly all of my teens, twenties and the start of my thirties on eating disorder wards. I last left an in-patient programme six months before Lockdown started. But looking after her gave me focus and purpose and a reason to be healthy and strong.

Now that she's been gone for six months, I suddenly feel like I don't know who I am and everything feels like it's spinning. The worst part is, I realise I barely remember anything from my life before her and I can hardly access any memories of her before dementia. Even the memories of the last five years are blurry and feel like they aren't properly real but like a half-remembered dream or film. The most vivid memory, which pops back whenever I reach for any others, is the memory of finding her body. I can't sleep for thinking about that. Or thinking about what my problems put her through before dementia.

I just want her back. Nothing makes sense in a world where she isn't the cornerstone. I don't know how to fit into a life and a future where she doesn't need me. Where no one needs me really. Everything feels very unclear and bleak.

I'm fine on the outside, I eat, I work, I exercise, I go out in nature, I probably seem very cheerful. But on the inside it feels like everything is crumbling.

I know most of the answers will be therapy but I really can't afford it, and I've had so much already I'm scared of opening a can of worms I seem to have firmly closed. I just want her back. I miss her lovely face and her soft cheeks and her gorgeous laughter.

I am so sorry @Ankleblisters it is really tough to lose your Mum, and it must be particularly difficult when you have been her carer.

I lost my Mum two years ago and it does get easier, I now remember the fun times we had rather than the last few years. I wish I could say something that would make it easier for you.💐

I'm so sorry for your mum's loss 💐 please be gentle with yourself and take each day at a time, grief is something that comes in waves, sometimes it's calm other times it's like a storm....you need to give it time, and honestly speaking time is a healer ❤️

I agree that it takes time. A lot of time.
Especially as you.were her carer and everything revolved around her needs.
Also the trauma of finding her will not be helping and you could do.with some help.to.process that. I was with my father when he died and it took a while for the memory to.fade and more positive ones to.re-emerge. But they did in time.

You obviously made a wonderful carer so comfort yourself with that because many people are not so lucky and your mum was v blessed to have you and you were lucky to spend that special time with her of course. maybe the sense of purpose you felt is pointing you in a new direction ?
I am a foster carer and adopter of disabled children because I thrive on being a carer myself. Maybe when the dust has settled you could look at what direction you would like to take in the future. But that is a question for later of course .
Finally sending condolences for the loss of your lovely mum . X

Hi OP - I’m so sorry you’re going through this but what you’ve written makes a lot of sense and is probably really common for people who have been carers. So much of your purpose (as you’ve said) is tied up into securing their physical and emotional wellbeing. And then to add to that, there’s bereavement plus the added shock of sudden bereavement.

I lost my mum suddenly 5 years ago and although I wasn’t her carer, I understand many of the feelings you describe. Feeling empty and adrift after a parent dies is really common too - they’re the one person who has known you your entire life. For a good couple of years I felt like a tornado and had blown through the house of my life, leaving me with just two walls standing and a massive gaping hole. At times I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover but little by little, my heart began to knit itself back together. I still miss her and think of her every day but the acute pain and void at the start is not anything like it was and in time, your heart will do its thing too.

Everyone grieves differently but for me, a few things helped. Firstly I got involved and led a community project (something I’m passionate about) and I also started studying again - just a part time course in something I’d always wanted to do - but the busyness was really helpful. I also joined a bereavement group and it was so helpful to talk to others in the same boat and realise my feelings were ‘normal’ and I wasn’t going mad. Everyone walks this road differently but you might find a grief group could help you process your feelings.

Oh @Ankleblisters what a wonderful daughter you were to your beloved mum.

I hear completely what you are saying about taking a dip after six months. I don't think the turning of the season helps, the sunshine is always balm isn't it. The real bugger with grief is that it isn't linear, you don't start off bereft and then climb consistently up. It is almost as though your mind and body know the loss is too much to deal with in one bite. A bit of you grieves whilst another part takes a rest and then, when the rested part has recovered a bit and can cope with it a little more grief is released.

It will get better, you just need to keep letting the bit that is resting heal. That is what will rebuild your strength. I loved reading that you are eating, working, exercising and in nature. These are the things that will heal you in time.

Have you spoken to Cruse? They are very helpful and kind and offer free, confidential bereavement support. Also, reading about the subject of loss - when you feel strong enough (open the can gently) - might help you too. It did me.

Connect with friends and people you love. A gentle fresh air walk with a dear friend talking about total nonsense and then a cuppa in a cafe. A cake. Buy yourself a bunch of flowers. Music on the radio. Lots of little things to make each day just a bit nicer.

What love filled memories you have of those five years spent with your mum. They will never leave you. Be kind to yourself. You are a lovely person and deserve kindness.

I lost my Dad just over 2 years ago after he died from cancer. I cared for him for the last year of his life and like you, in spite of the initial tears/upset seemed to carry on OK. Then it hit.

Grief isn't a linear journey. The counsellor I saw via the hospice he died in gave me a great analogy - it's like waves crashing onto the shore. Initially they floor you, knock you over but as time passes, they get gentler and easier to walk among. Then every so often a large wave crashes and knocks you over again. You never know when it's going to happen, but you just ride it out and it gets calmer again. It's taken me a good 2 years to even begin to find any peace with how Dad died and with physically missing him - the sound of his voice, the phone call every afternoon the moment I walked into the house.

It does get easier. There are some good forums on the Sue Ryder/McMillan websites where people share their stories if you can't afford counselling.

Thank you everyone, it's so helpful to read your experiences and I'm so sorry for your losses.
I was sort of prepared for the 'missing her' element of the grief. I miss her terribly. And I miss my role in her life.
But the thing that worries and upset me the most is the total loss of memory and perspective and clarity I seem to be experiencing in the last few weeks.
It feels a bit like being lost at sea and not knowing which way to go and who I am anymore.
I think I would feel better if I felt a more solid link to the recent past but I feel like the last few years has the blurry unreality of a half-remembered dream or film and much of the time before that is either gone completely or has the same unreal indistinct quality. I want to reach for memories of her and take comfort in them but they are gone and it makes me feel so much more alone.

One of my sisters is overseas and makes very little contact, the other has a very intense job in the NHS and a very busy social life so we see her very very rarely and usually quite briefly.
Because of my complex history meaning I never had a chance at much 'normality', I don't actually have any friends at all.
I've also taken on more work than I have the energy for, now that I don't need to fit work around Mum, so I feel like I have almost time for anything else anymore.

Everything just feels very very very empty and dark and confusing at the moment and without her to perk myself up for I feel unbelievably alone.

Is your dad any help or comfort to you at all love?

The lack of clarity and memories is something I've experienced too. For me it was partly shock, partly a kind of self preservation and partly just the blur caused by having to press on through the slow, but certain decline of your loved one. The latter is something we do without even noticing it - we put ourselves on the back burner without even thinking about it. You kind of lose sight of your real self over time.

Do you have wider family? I'm thinking aunts, cousins and perhaps your mum's friends who will enjoy talking with you about your mum? I found huge comfort talking to my aunt (mum's sister) about mum's earlier days and also from going through old photos.

You will find yourself again. Honestly, you will come flooding back when you are ready. When the pain isn't so sharp the memories will come back like old friends and will be a huge comfort to you.

Don't work too hard. You need to give yourself time to feel and to heal.