Day 3 after losing dad

[LifeOfRiley1]

I guess I’m just looking for some reassurance/positive words. I lost my dad on Friday night, he was only 58. We had to watch and wait for 9 hours til he gave up his fight and it was pretty traumatic.

I’m really struggling with how hurt and empty I’m feeling - I don’t understand how I can continue to live while feeling this pain. I have 2 young children (2 & 7 months) and know I need to stay strong so that I can continue to be a good mum, but how is that possible? Is it always going to be this painful? I can’t stop the thoughts from the hospital experience and have also been tormenting myself with the ‘what ifs’, around the time that we weren’t with him in hospital (overnight, before he deteriorated).

We have to start planning his funeral today and the thought of having to watch my dad being lowered into the ground makes me shake with fear.

I read about keeping a routine - do I try to return to the gym this week? It feels so absurd to try and continue living as normal when my world feels it has stopped.

This is so hard 😥

I had a lot of 'what ifs' and guilt following my dad's death. You are trying to process a lot of things and it's very early days. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it. I'm finding my grief comes in waves. I've just had my dad's funeral and I feel really down again, mainly because it's final and I have more time to think about it now. I don't think it ever goes away, but keeping busy and trying to find normality is probably the only way I've found to cope. Sending love and strength xxx

Take your time. Let yourself feel all the emotions. Do you have plenty of support?
It does get easier, I promise. 4 years on from my dad's death I still burst into tears at the most random of things/thoughts/memories and I think about him almost daily but it's certainly easier.

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s very early days and it’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed with grief. You won’t always feel like this, the feelings change with time. It’s always with you but you sort of integrate it into your life. Feeling guilt and regrets and anger and overwhelming sadness is all normal and these feelings are something to accept as normal whilst being kind to yourself by not judging yourself. The difficult thing is that life does go on even if our normal routine feels a bit futile for a while, so if you want to go to the gym, then go and don’t feel guilty.

@LifeOfRiley1
I am so sorry. My mother died at the same age 34 years ago. My younger siblings were barely in their 20s. We were with her for 12 hours while she was dying - it was highly medicalised. They switched off her ventilator and we watched her blood pressure and heart rate dropping on the machines she was still hooked up to. Now I can look back and be glad we were with her.
I remember being on the bus and thinking - my mum has died, how can these people just go on as normal.
But you know you do go on , you have to.
I look back now with love and memories.

I'm so sorry. I lost my dad earlier this year as well, he was just 60 and like you I have young children. In the first month I couldn't eat anything, lost a stone so didn't have the strength to go to the gym. I would see someone in the street or in a shop and think it was him. The initial days and weeks are so savage, but you do find the strength and it becomes a part of your life you live with. If going to the gym helps, carry on going, there is no right or wrong. It will get easier one day at a time.

Firstly OP, sending you hugs and I really hope you have a good support system around you to help you through this. Your little ones will be what brings you comfort in these hard moments. It was my mums 22nd anniversary of her passing last week and this year it hit me hard. It comes in waves, or sometimes according to how hard my life is at that current moment, wanting her to be here with me. But as previous posters have said, time helps. The pain doesn’t go away, but you learn in time to manage it and sit with it a lot more comfortably. Everything right now is so so fresh for you, let yourself feel the emotions and the grief. I believe everybody has their own experience with grief so I can’t advise you on how to handle it, but you will get through it with the help of those you love. This pain you feel right now is a tribute to how much you loved your Dad.

I’m so sorry. 58 is so young and you must feel very cheated.

My husband’s dad died very suddenly at this age, and I well remember the utter shock and disbelief. We hadn’t even had our children and my husband feels he’s missed out on decades of his lovely dad, our children never knew their grandad and his mum has been alone for 30 years. You learn to live alongside it, so in that respect it gets easier, but you don’t have the consolation of a long life well lived, and all the platitudes I was told when my parents died in their 90s. He died from a heart attack, out of the blue, so there was no consolation that he was free from suffering after an illness.

It’s crap. My husband still has odd days when he cries about his dad, 30 years on. But you learn to live with it, despite that sadness in your family.

Big Hugs 🤗

No it won't always be this way. It WILL become less awful, less traumatic & less overwhelming. Hold onto that.

Accept offers to help with the kids (or anything else)

you can't keep up your usual routine, just get through each day (hour/minute) as best you can. If you want to go the gym, then do that, but if you don't feel up to it don't. There is no right/wrong. I personally wouldn't have been up to it. I wasn't eating/drinking/sleeping and I was doing my best to support my mum (I didn't have young children & I was at my mums (&dads) .

it was a fucking terrible time (my Dad was 65, had seemed completely well & fine) & many years later it still hurts so much & I still miss him so much. But it's not like those early days that you're in now 🤗

much love
xx

I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s hard to bear but you will be in shock now and the priority is to be really kind to yourself and just take each day at a time and do whatever gets you through. It really does get easier to bear, but it takes a while and you’ll have better days and worse ones along the way. Sending you very best wishes and strength. Do let people know how you are feeling and don’t try to bottle things up. Anyone that has lost someone special will totally understand how you are feeling and will want to support you.

I'm so sorry. I lost my dad earlier this year, he was 76 so quite a bit older than your dad, but it was relatively unexpected, he went downhill very quickly, was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and was gone two days later. Thankfully I got down there (an 8 hour drive) and was able to sit with him until he died.

Don't worry if your normal routine falls by the wayside. But I think it's also important to do things that make you happy. Four days after Dad died, after lots of conversations about the funeral arrangements, selling the house, rehoming his dog etc, I wanted to do something nice for myself, so I went to a gig. It was a good way to escape life for a while and just enjoy myself. It's totally up to you if you want to leave things like that for a while, though.

It's still really early days, just take it a day at a time, be kind to yourself and you will come out the other side.

Gosh it’s such early days OP. There are no shoulds. You sound like you’re jumping ahead, it’s only day 3, just do whatever feels right for you. It’s different for everyone..

of course you won’t be in this excruciating pain for ever but in my experience you can’t rush it

be kind to yourself

Take one moment at a time. Think in terms of ‘what will I do this afternoon’ rather than how you will feel at your Dad’s funeral. At times of horrific anxiety and grief I have a mantra of thinking very short term or very long term. The shock and the crippling anxiety will pass. You will go through all stages of grief, but this is undoubtedly the most acute phase. You will survive, albeit changed, but you will. If it helps to think how many people have gone through this and how many more will go through it? It feels horrible, but you can cope with this. And if you’d like to go to the gym, do. There is no right or wrong thing to do.

So sorry to read of your late father. My dad died earlier this year too and we as a family are still in the very early days of learning to live without him in our lives.

This is indeed the time to be kind to yourself and to live by the minute or hour. Whatever works for you. It seems impossible to get through this and yes the world does keep on turning which does seem bloody unfair. This initial grief stage that you are in and that we all recognise here will change.

My best wishes to you💐

Hello, OP. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I began by clicking "support" on your post and then I read the first few responses and clicked "support" on those too. I could have continued on each and every one. All the responses you've received up to now echo the feelings that you're experiencing. I lost my Dad just over 4 years ago and I can still remember the feelings well although now those feelings are less "raw," so things do get a little easier with time. I agree that day to day activities seem futile but you have your two little ones and they will keep you busy and involved. Remember, your Dad is present in your children through you and he would want you to carry on and have a good life. Sending you a huge hug. 🤗

Thank you all so so much for your responses. You’ve no idea how much comfort they have given me while reading through them. It feels so intense and raw right now. The whole hospital experience continues to replay in my mind numerous times a day, and each time it is just as traumatising. I don’t know how I’ll ever deal with that time.

We planned the funeral today which was really difficult, agreeing on all the details of the day. I have no idea how I will get through that day, and seeing him being lowered into the ground.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to think of me and send your love. I send mine to all of you who have also lost. 💜

My dad was 54 when he died, that was nearly thirty years since now and I still remember the pain. My mum was then killed in a car accident in her 60’s. You do just keep going, you just do. It gets easier.

When I lost my Dad I just kept replaying all of the most awful bits of the last week over and over in my head, especially in the middle of the night. I think it’s all just such a shock and so horrible that your brain almost can’t compute it so has to keep looking at the situation from all angles to make sense of it all and know where to file it!

I still get very occasional flash backs but really rarely now. I haven’t made peace with what happened but I understand it now and I can think about it all more calmly and rationally. You will get to that point too, it just takes time for your system to process it.

Sending you strength and best wishes for the funeral xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss. My mum died suddenly 5 years ago and at the time, it also felt like I wouldn’t be able to live with all the feelings. I lost a stone in 2 weeks and felt like I was on autopilot but I just went with the flow and didn’t try to bottle it up. When a wave would hit me, I’d go somewhere private and just have a huge, aching, weeping sob session…didn’t hold anything back. I joined some online forums which were really helpful, where I could anonymously share my feelings and I talked to good friends and family too.

Everyone is different and there’s no ‘right’ way to grieve - if you want to go to the gym and follow a routine, go for it. If you just need to hunker down at home, do that. As others have said, survival in the early days is about taking it one hour at a time and not thinking too far ahead about the funeral or life beyond today. In time, it will get better, your heart will start to stitch itself back together. But for now, just go with the flow and do whatever feels right to you.