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I've upset my step family at funeral

11 replies

Totallybannanas · 25/10/2025 22:02

I unintentionally upset my late stepmum’s family, and I feel really sorry about it. She passed away several years ago, and before that she had moved out because my dad couldn’t cope with her health issues and I think the relationship was strained. Her daughter cared for her, and I later found a letter when clearing his place, from the council saying they were separating and she needed rehousing, though I don’t know the full story.

When planning my dad’s Catholic funeral, in the eulogy I tried to focus on him, and his kind nature and how much he loved his grandchildren. I briefly mentioned he was a loving father and husband but that was it. My parents divorced when I was 2, so he was always a weekend dad. Choosing photos was really hard. I only had a few of me and my dad, and some if those included my mum, so I didn’t feel right using them. I tried to use what I had and included everyone and I did mean to include a photo of my dad and stepmum together, as I had uploaded it but it was accidentally left out with a few others, when the slideshow was edited but I never checked it. I had planned on putting an album together at the wake with all the photos but again I just feel overwhelmed especially as I was also back to work.

Her daughter was understandably upset that my stepmum wasn’t mentioned or shown. It truly wasn’t intentional, just an unfortunate mistake during a really emotional time. I’ve apologised, but I still feel awful. I never meant to hurt anyone.

OP posts:
KimHwn · 25/10/2025 22:06

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like you're grieving for a man who was quite complicated (aren't we all!) and trying to keep everyone else happy when in fact you're the one that's had a massive loss.
To be honest, I don't know if it would have been the right thing to include photos of your stepmother, what with them being separated. It's certainly not clear cut, and your stepsister shouldn't have mentioned it, even if it did sting a bit.
Be really kind to yourself OP. Don't feel like you let your dad down, because the funeral as you arranged it may well have been what he would have wanted. You sound like a lovely, kind sensitive person.

CatamaranViper · 25/10/2025 22:09

Oof. What a blow. I completely understand that it was unintentional, but you don't get to redo these things.
Give them time to process the death and then reach out with an apology, but leave it there. You shouldn't spend the rest of your life apologising for a mistake during a difficult time. Just do enough to let them know it was a genuine mistake and move on.

Sorry about your loss

PermanentTemporary · 25/10/2025 22:10

Oh that’s hard. I’m sorry for your loss, and all the organising you had to do, and being left with strain and feeling sorry instead of resolution.

Im amazed you were back at work and also organising all the details of the funeral. Give
yourself a bit of a break, then maybe try calling her in a few days?

utamea · 25/10/2025 22:12

You are the chief mourner here - not SM’s dd.
you did your best, this was an accident
don’t feel bad

GreenClock · 25/10/2025 22:15

I’ve heard of ex partners being mentioned when there are joint children/grandchildren but not otherwise. The list of exes could be in the dozens in some cases. Her daughter is being a bit unreasonable and you’ve nothing to feel bad about. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Totallybannanas · 25/10/2025 22:20

I did message her to apologise but I don't really have contact with her if I'm honest. With my parents being separated, my relationship with my dad's side of the family was distant because I never lived with him. With the eulogy, for me I couldn't write things that weren't true. So I literally wrote what people had said to me after his passing, his character and the relationship the had with his grandchildren. I said he was a loving father and husband, but couldn't say a lot about him being a fantastic dad or husband because it wasn't my experience if that makes sense. And I really didn't know what had happened in the end with their relationship, but legally they were still husband and wife. It was a pretty shit situation to be honest and has made me really sad, for the family and childhood I missed out on. This is the first funeral I have ever planned and it's been alot, as week as caring for my dad during his illness.

OP posts:
ParmaVioletTea · 26/10/2025 02:36

utamea · 25/10/2025 22:12

You are the chief mourner here - not SM’s dd.
you did your best, this was an accident
don’t feel bad

This.

He was your father. Not your step sister’s and it was his funeral, not your stepmother’s.

I’m actually a little shocked on your behalf that they are criticising you. They seem to lack compassion for you and are thinking only of their pride. They’re not concerned for your feelings as a daughter who’s lost her father.

Totallybannanas · 26/10/2025 06:47

Thank you, I do feel awful as there should have been a picture and I'm not someone who would just erase her memory. That was never the intention. I've been pretty stressed with all the decision making if I'm honest. But in terms of eulogy, I didn't go into his biography as he was a divorced and a lapsed Catholic and I don't have many memories. I felt I could I only write what was true and my experience, or what things had been said after his passing that gave me comfort.

OP posts:
Irenesortof · 26/10/2025 08:21

Funerals are like weddings, they touch all the sensitive spots. I didn’t mention my dad’s ex girlfriend at his funeral. They were seeing each other for a couple of years after my mum died, then split. I think she was hurt, but it didn’t occur to me to mention her. He was with mum for 37 years and that’s what we all remembered.
Sorry for your loss OP, it’s hard.

sandyhappypeople · 26/10/2025 08:37

Don’t be too hard on yourself OP, it sounds like you didn’t really know your dad very well to be honest, his stepdaughter probably knew him a lot better and had completely different experiences to you so found being written out of the eulogy quite upsetting, but obviously they weren’t tasked with doing the funeral and you were, if they didn’t approach you to offer to help then they can’t really complain, you did it from your point of view not theirs.

how long were your dad and stepmum together?

it doesn’t sound like you have any sort of relationship with them so I wouldn’t worry going forward, you’ve apologised and that’s it.

Totallybannanas · 26/10/2025 09:10

He was married to her maybe 20 years. Maybe more. I honestly can't remember. My step sister is probably 15 years older then me, she probably saw them more then me and had more of an insight into their marriage. It's been tough, as I only had 2 pictures of him and me when I was little! I found out things about my parents divorce when cleaning his place. I also spent 6 months caring for him and I found out things I never knew about him and probably him about me, he even told me he still loved my mum at the end too. It's opened up a lot of wounds if I'm honest.

OP posts:
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