literally one week she was fine and dandy the next she was gone. I never thought I’d feel the kind of pain I felt after losing my mum again. My mum passed last year after a very short illness, very unexpected and it absolutely destroyed me. My whole life and foundation was my mum. I was 30, just given birth to the baby girl she was so looking forward to and I still haven’t fully accepted this is it.
now I’ve lost my nana. She had dementia. She was still my nana but forgetful and often forgot my mum has gone. Going to my nanas was like going to a world where my mum still existed her. She was here, I’d just say she was on holiday and so we spoke about her like she was still here,
Although it would have always hurt when my nana left (she was a big part of my life always) it just brings up all the grief from before added to the one of losing her. I’m rambling. But it’s another funeral to plan, another dark day, another influx of I’m sorry messages, another day of sitting my son down to break his heart again. It’s too much. It sounds selfish but it should be my mum who is dealing with the awfulness of funeral planning. I feel too involved, I’ve reverted back to being a child and it all feels too much, it feels like my mum should be consoling me and me her and now I’ve got to be an adult and support my auntie and the family when my worlds fallen again. I don’t think it would hurt as much if my mum was still here, I loved my nana to bits but the loss feels greater without my mum here.
my whole concept of the world and death and finality has shifted in the last few years and now I’m scared. One day I may leave my children so suddenly, so unexpectedly that they may feel like me. Devastated, bereft and like their whole world has been blown apart. I just needed to ramble thanks for reading.