Should I attend this funeral?

[Kimmc21]

Not sure what to do..
My estranged parent lost one of their siblings at weekend. It was a totally unexpected death, the person was very fit and well.
This person had always been OK with me but the wider family (its a huge family) have been rather unpleasant to me for as long as I can remember.
My estranged parent called me in tears to say their sibling had died. I offered condolences and sent messages to the person's grown up children (my estranged cousins) to offer condolences. Kept it simple and brief. One of them replies to say thanks.
I feel my parent might ask or expect me to attend the finer but I'm not sure I could face seeing the family, they're too much and lots of nasty two faced people who I've purposely distanced myself from over the years. The deceased was a decent and good person but most of the family aren't.
Do I attend the funeral or not? Or would it be appropriate to pass on it? I have a toddler and my husband works away from home, so could cite childcare issues if need to come up with polite decline. Wwyd?

Entirely your choice but if you feel it would be difficult being around your wider (estranged ) family it might be better not to go and I think if it were me I wouldn’t. You can still remember the person in your own way - light a candle at the time of their funeral or go for a walk and place some flowers at a place which perhaps was important to that person / yourself and have a few moments of quiet reflection. If it’s a burial visit the grave after the funeral in your own time or visit where the ashes are scattered. It’s important you do what is right for you not what the family think you should do - not their decision to make.

You have sent condolences to the deceased's family. You did not ignore the fact that the person died and you are sorry to hear it etc.

My advice is not to go. If you were close to the person, maybe send flowers to the funeral directors from all your family. That would be what I would do in your circumstances. Too many wounds to open for you I think if you did go.

I would be inclined not t go in your place. If you have sent condolences/flowers/card then you have acknowledged the occasion. As you say you can always cite childcare.

The last funeral I attended in my own family I had arranged to stay over. A row broke out after the wake and I ended up walking out of the house at 11pm and getting a taxi into the city. Too late for the last train back to the city where I live so i went to a hotel. It would have been far better (and cheaper) not to have gone in the first place. Next time a family funeral came up I just sent a card and flowers.

I wouldn’t go.
You say your ‘estranged’ parent may expect you to attend. Are you estranged because of their behaviour, if so why do you think you need to meet their expectations?

I wouldn’t go if you’re estranged from everyone else. Don’t put yourself through it.

could you just go to the service at the church or crematorium, and then go home.

Funerals are funny events. People manage to find common ground at funerals which may have been absent for many years. In saying that, I would go with zero expectations. Perhaps just attend the service. You can always sit near the back. The fact that your estranged parent made contact and you have had a bit of increased contact with your family as a result of this death would suggest to me that there might be a slight thawing. I could be wrong but it sounds like you are a little bit curious and would quite like to go.

I would maybe send a wreath or a donation to a chosen charity, but I wouldn't go. Hard to say though, without knowing the reason for the estrangement.

I would go to pay my respects to the deceased but sit up the back with distant friends etc rather than in the front family rows, and just leave silently afterwards (out a side door or whatever if possible) to avoid speaking to them. I wouldn’t go to the wake. Alcohol will fuel aggressive behaviour.

If you do, go in at the last minute and sit near the back. That way you’ve attended but disappear off again straight after. Unlikely to be any unpleasantry's at the service.

My honest opinion is not to go, it could cause another argument 😔 with the people that weren't nice to you 😔 😔

If I was you, I wouldn’t go but I would go to the grave at a later date and say a quiet goodbye then or light a candle in the church the day after the ceremony if they aren’t being buried, or you don’t know where it will be.

If you do go, arrive at the last minute, sit or stand and the back and make a very swift exit.

I wouldn’t go. Take the day to think about the person, maybe make a donation to a charity they would have approved of. If your estranged from your parent, there is obviously good reason and you don’t owe them anything.