Not sure how to feel.

[FD1986]

My mum has terminal cancer. Whilst it hasn’t spread yet, and she is not currently on and of life care, it’s a really nasty cancer that people don’t survive more than months/few years.

My mum was great up until a few months ago where she got this fatigue and started to sob and cry all the time. she now barely goes out. I found myself dreading going to see her because she would just sob about how she doesn’t want to die. My children who are very young saw it too and I found I needed to not let them see it as it was too confusing for them.

Shes becoming increasingly mean and angry and is always getting angry at my dad. He says nothing and just accepts her unkind words, which can’t be easy for him.

Recently I went over with my children and she wouldn’t stop telling them off which is very unlike her. She also has become very obsessive with cleaning so would be telling them off if they spilt food etc and would be cleaning up crumbs whilst they are still eating. My son tried to hug her and she refused because she made out he didn’t deserve one, which was devastating for him and me to see.

I need a bit of space, I love my mum dearly but it’s all too painful and sad. My dad is saying to me I need to bring the kids back quickly and I said to him I just need time to process all of this.

Has anyone else experienced extreme personality changes with a loved one going through similar? How did you deal with it? The guilt eats me up but I also have to protect myself as the grief is unbearable.

Yes it does happen. I would imagine your mum is depressed and scared. Horrible situation for all

Is this a brain tumour diagnosis ? If so this is unfortunately completely normal , such a shame that the person’s whole outlook , personality , love , care and kindness can be overtaken by a seemingly different person who can be rude dismissive even violent . This was my husband when he was eventually diagnosed with a gliobastoma , it was almost a relief when he passed as the man I loved was gone at least 8 months prior .
So sorry to hear you and the family are going through this .

Thank you… It’s not a brain tumour diagnosis. It’s not spread either as far as we know.

I’m so sorry about your husband xx

Yes, my Dad could be quite aggressive after he was diagnosed, which was unlike him, it was fear, depression, anxiety and sadness for him. He was extremely frustrated with how poorly he felt, how weak he became and the fact that he was dying.

Whilst very difficult for us as a family, it is truly awful for the person going through the illness. I know my Mom found it very hard, as he mostly took his frustrations out on her, but we knew deep down that he didn't mean it.

Thank you , please reach out to MacMillan or whoever is available to support you all .

I would second reaching out to MacMillan, their helpline is usually great as an outlet to discuss your fears and worries.

Am so sorry about your mum’s diagnosis. Everyone will handle something like this differently. Your mum is likely shocked and scared, this can definitely send behaviour and demeanour off course.

Do you live nearby? Are you able to attend any appointments with her? I definitely found it helped being at most of her appointments as I could get a better grasp of what was happening and could get some of my questions answered.

Yes, this happened recently to my dad. It completely changed him, and he spent his last month's feeling angry and anxious and fearful. It was fear and the sense of losing control, the pain and weakness caused by the cancer. I never realised it could change someone. I even pushed for them to do a CT scan as thought it may have spread to his brain, but it hadn't. They ended up prescribing lorazipam, to help him cope and ease his anxiety.

It was very difficult visiting him, I dreaded going, he was just very negative and just waiting for death. Some days he was convinced he was dying there and then, and even convinced me at times. Be kind to yourself, limit your visits and try to ignore the bad. Some days I would just sit and listen, nothing I said made it any better. I had to try and let it go as I was his main carer. It's probably alot for your dad to deal with too, so maybe make sure he gets a break. Cancer really does change people, sometimes it's the medication, the pain but mostly in my dad's case it was fear and losing control. He knew he wasn't going to get better.

Have a look at grief pathway on line
she is grieving for her own end of life. She’s lost all control over life. She scared probably
anger is normal.

if you have courage, help her understand this
is she getting counselling? That may help her
also make sure she understands what palliative care is available- to help replace fear with knowledge. It may be an incredibly difficult thing for her, or others, to discuss, hence her anger …

too often we hear all the stories of “ brave” cancer “fighters”. We believe our on loved ones will be “heroes “ too. But it is more often a lot of fear, a lot of turbulent emotions, panic, pain and discomfort. Cancer is not a battle. it is a shit illness that people literally suffer with, and those around suffer too.

please don’t pull away. treat her like you’d want to be treated in same circumstances.
no matter how difficult you find it. You will probably find it is for a matter of a few weeks, and then her moods will change as she continues to process this.

Look for cancer charities that offer therapies and see if you can get your mum to go (go with her). There's talking therapies, massage, reflexology etc. at our local cancer support charity and it has helped me. Just being able to go and say " this is utterly crap and I can't handle it today.

Is she on any meds? I found mine make me worse especially mentally - total panicked and unable to do daily tasks. I honestly thought I was going insane.

She might be feeling lonely.
As a PP said cancer isn't all "fighting, battling bravely". It's scary, it halts your life, it screws your mind up and it can be incredibly lonely.