I'm not ok

[BerolDryWipe]

My darling Dad died at the beginning of September, aged 65, after battling terminal cancer for 3 years.

I was with him when he passed, I had to tell him that he was ok to leave, that I'd be ok without him, that he'd done his job and could now catch up on his sleep after years of working so hard.

They were the biggest lies I've ever told, I am not ok! I do not want to spend the rest of my life without my Dad, I want him back, I miss his presence, his knowledge, his support, his big strong cuddles.

My Dad was my biggest fan, and now he's gone, just gone. He was the best Grandad and has helped me raise my girls, who are now pretty much adults. I was a single Mom, so he did all the Dad things with them, taught them to swim, dive, snorkel, ride their bikes, change a bulb in their cars, and I don't think I ever thanked him for how much he did for us. I never told him that he'd helped shape these girls who he thought were amazing, he worshipped them.

We worshipped him, but I didn't ever tell him that.

I've spent 3 years watching him waste away, become a shell of himself, yet still face each day with a brave face. I knew this day would come, but I think deep down I was hanging out for a miracle.

As deaths go, in the medical sense his was peaceful, but I have no peace, I can't remember his healthy face, I look at 100's of photos from over the years and I don't recognise him, I only remember him as the very poorly man he has been recently.

I'm about to become a Nan this year, and my God he would've loved the new baby, but it's just another thing he will miss out on.

I feel sorry for myself, my girls and especially my Mom, but more than anything my heart breaks for him, he so wanted to live, he deserved to live, he had so much more to give, and my heart aches with sorrow.

To the outside world life goes on, I still get out of bed, breathe, shower, go to work, carry on as if nothing has happened, the world continues to turn, but I wish I could wear a neon sign above my head 'I'M GRIEVING' just so that people wouldn't be so normal with me.

It's been 1 week today since his funeral, and the world has moved on, yet I feel like mine is irreparably damaged.

I think the hardest part of losing a parent relatively young ( my DF was 65 and DM 54) are the family events they never get to live. My DM never got to see any of us get married or the birth of any of her grandchildren. DF met all his grandchildren but the degenerative disease he had prevented him from being a grandad.

I miss my parents but not because of what they were to me but because they missed such a wonderful part of our lives. Every Christmas is hard, my DM did wonderful Christmases and they would have been magical for her grandchildren. My DF lived in a world of women, he would have been in his element with my DS, his only grandson, who is uncannily the reincarnation DF. He would have enjoyed watching him play rugby, teaching him to fish and sharing their immense knowledge of everything ( both extremely intelligent).

It’s a really tough time for you OP. It doesn’t get easier with time but you learn to live without them. It’s OK to talk about them and imagine how they would think and feel. It’s far too early for you to move on just yet. Give yourself space and time to grieve. Talking helps but sometimes just extracting yourself from life for a while is very healing. When you are ready you will join in again, but trying to be jolly and happy when you are running on empty inside is hard work.

I lost my DSis last year, from experience I knew that everyone would annoy me if I tried to be normal so I just declined most invites and stayed away from events that would trigger the anger. It’s an irrational anger, you can’t understand how people can be so happy around you and it tends to make it worse. A couple of months down the line I was ready to rejoin life again.

The big problem is that people are continually telling you how sorry they are and the tears are never far from the surface. Not everyone is comfortable with raw emotion and will withdraw which actually makes you feel more isolated. Talking is good but finding a good listener is difficult. Hopefully you have a good listener who will help you through your grief.

Hello @BerolDryWipe It is ok not to be OK. I know that sounds trite, but it’s a saying for a reason. Your grief and your feelings are totally valid. Lean into them.

Your dad sounds fabulous, kind, generous and supportive, just perfect for a dad and grandad. You and your girls will always know that, and have such lovely memories of him. They will shine through the memories of him ill.

My dad died over 30 years ago. He only met one of his grandchildren, my nephew, and by then was too ill to really know (Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s). I see him in my teenagers now - my son has his fingers ??!!?? (I never realised fingers were hereditary) - and the memories are bittersweet. I probably don’t go a day without thinking about him, how he and my son would get on like a house on fire, but he’d be bamboozled by my daughter. But now it’s nostalgic.

The pain will pass. The rawness will heal, but it will take time. Your dad was a good man. That is a wonderful legacy for you and your family.

On a practical level, have you had any counselling? It might really help. I don’t know who you work for, or if you work, but it’s not unusual for employers to offer something like this. Just a thought.

Just wanted to pop by and send you all the love @BerolDryWipe - my dad died on Wednesday aged 68 after battling terminal cancer for three years too.
i wasn’t with him when he passed out of choice, but I’d seen him Monday and he didn’t want to be touched and just said “I’m just so tired”, my last words to him were “ok dad, don’t worry you go back to sleep”, not realising that it would be the last time I spoke to him. But I’m glad they were my last words.
I, like you, adored my dad, he is the most wonderful man in the world and I’m with you in this pain that we have been left with.
Sending you lots of love from another in the same shitty boat x

Big hugs OP. My dad died from terminal cancer a week ago. It's shit isn't it xx

What a horrible club we’re all in 😔

I’m so sorry for your losses too.

It’s so hard isn’t it. I feel like I’ve lost something within myself, I don’t belong anywhere anymore. My job feels alien, I have no desire to speak to anyone other than my Mom and my kids. My best friend has been so understanding, I’ve basically text her asking her to leave me alone, as I just don’t want to speak to her, luckily she’s a great friend and understands.

I have to reshape my life now, dad was such a huge part of everything we did, a quiet man, but always there. Nothing will be the same now, Sunday lunch at Moms, birthdays, Christmas, holidays, I saw him so often that there’s now a gaping hole.

Give yourself grace. His death is so very recent. Of course you can't be normal, your normal is gone.

In time, happier memories will return to you. Of course, the recent memories of his illness and death are at the forefront of your mind right now. But that will change. Your daughters also, will always remember him. He was a part of their childhood and so is a part of them.

I'm so sorry that he died. You are right, it is heartbreaking and unfair - such a good man, he deserved more healthy years and more time with his family.

Yet, if he had looked back on his life, on his family and the role he played, I'm sure he would have felt a huge measure of pride and satisfaction. You don't need to worry about the things you never told him. We don't learn those things from words spoken. He knew already.

@Daaaaahling thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot.

I'm going to start a journal, I've bought myself a lovely new notebook and fountain pen. I'll write to Dad, telling him all the things that are happening in our lives, I'm hoping it'll give me some peace.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your bereavement is still very recent. Of course you miss him. That’s perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean you’re not coping.

I don't know whether this will help or not but I'll share it in case it does.

My dad died years ago and had a really horrible illness that took away his ability to move and even talk or swallow at the end.
To begin with, I could only think of him as he was at the end when he was so poorly. However as time has passed, I remember more about him when he was well than when he was ill.
Your grief is very new and if course your mind is focused on how he was at the end of his life. I think as time goes on you will naturally remember him more as he was before he became ill. You won't have to work at it, it will just happen.