I don’t know what to do regarding Mums funeral

[kerstina]

I am an only child and really struggling. Finally got the death certificate after over two weeks wait but I am paralysed and can’t make a decision about whether to have a service or not. I really feel I can’t face one but am I letting mum down and other people who want to go. I suffer with anxiety and depression which has been severe at times. I think the waiting has made things worse.

But saying that I don’t want to be persuaded by the funeral directors to have a formal funeral if money is the motivation and they are a business after all.

@kerstina i am sorry for your loss.

Having a sibling doesn’t always help. My DM has dementia, my DB hasn’t been seen for dust. I am having to do everything and I’m sure that will be the same when my DM dies

We had a direct cremation for my father arranged via a local funeral director and there was absolutely no pressure at all to do anything. They are businesses, but they also are incredibly experienced in dealing with people in all stages of grief. We found them very helpful.

They also had options for smaller services if that is something you feel would suit you better.

I don’t know whether I would have chosen a direct cremation left to myself (it was my mother’s decision and she said it’s what my father wanted), but I am glad we didn’t have a traditional service.

I assume that as you are arranging things that you are your mother’s closest relative? In which case the most important thing is that you are comfortable and happy with the arrangement. Please don’t feel pressured into doing things just because it is expected, or you think others would want to do something.

Am sorry to hear that . It is incredibly hard to deal with a parent with a dementia . I personally couldn’t have lived with myself if I had of abandoned my Mum as she was a lovely Mum and we had been my best friend throughout my life really but I understand not everybody has that . Also even if you have a sibling they could go first before the parent.

Yes I am the closest relative. She had an adopted brother but we haven’t seen him since my Dads funeral over ten years go . She also has a brother in law who has visited my Mum in her care home and he has said he would prefer a good send off but is respectful of what I can cope with.

My condolences on your loss OP. I think you are dealing with several issues at once and it might help you to pick them apart a bit to work out what to do.

First of all, you have the issue of what to do with your mums remains, I am assuming there is no family burial plot and that she didn’t leave instructions for a burial, therefore you are looking at a cremation. In some ways this could make choices easier, as if you felt you couldn’t make decisions at the moment you can ask a funeral director to arrange for a simple cremation without any service then ask them to keep your mums ashes safe for you until you have decided what to do next.

You then need to think about how you do want to celebrate your mums life and give people, you included, a time to recognise her life and mourn her passing together. This does not have to be a formal service, though it can be if you want it to be, in which case you can speak to a priest or vicar, or a celebrant, and arrange where you want the service to be, (not necessarily a church, chapel or similar but could well be), who will speak, what music or songs/ hymns will be played etc. Your mum can be represented by an order of service, photos, or her ashes, or flowers, it is up to you. Or it could just as easily be an afternoon tea , in a hall, or a back room in a cafe or pub, or at home, when friends and family can come together and remember your mum, listen to music, or a reading, or a poem, or just chat. One thing to remember is that there is no rush, you can wait until you are ready.

Which is the third thing , your well being. You are probably feeling overwhelmed by all the paperwork, decisions, working out what to do with her personal effects etc, and at the same time you are dealing with your own emotions and early grief. So be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to recognise the hard steps you are taking, to remember your mum in your own way, and take pride in the way you are dealing with her death and your grief, while at the same time honouring her memory.

Be kind to yourself.

Thank you so much Viques ,her mother and father were buried in a cemetery but mum never expressed a wish to join them . I wish I had asked her now but mum and I chose cremation for my dad and I have scattered his ashes in his favourite seaside place . I wanted to join him and I would like my mums ashes there too.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's death, and the choices you need to make.

If it helps, my mother died in her dementia care home during the pandemic, and we had a very simple, socially distanced, cremation, just three of us siblings. It was heavily policed but OK.

Later in the year we arranged to bury her ashes in an NT property on her birthday. It was a beautifully managed event and a strangely happy day. Dividing the two events worked well for us. Best wishes.

Agree with this. If you do actually want a service but are too overwhelmed to organise one, then ask for help - the vicar and the funeral directors will pretty much carry you through it, you just need to announce it /let people know, and a friend might ring round for you and ask people to spread the news of the time and date etc. I have found people are really happy to help when given a small task each, and actually there isn’t much to organise apart from choosing hymns and flowers, asking someone to read a poem. The vicar will do a eulogy if needed.

I am sorry for your loss @kerstina.

Would it be possible for you to have a very short service in the crematorium along the lines you suggested, maybe with a short reading and the two pieces of music you suggested. If you chat to the funeral directors I think they should be able to provide a service to meet your needs, although this may cost the same as a longer service. Then if there are just a small number of her friends and family members let them know what you have planned and that they are welcome to attend and if you feel up to it you could just offer some tea and biscuits/ cake if they wish to come back to your house briefly. I like that Seekers song, it reminds me of my mum too.

I would definitely reach out to the funeral directors. It's their job to help smooth the way and take the burden of organising things away from you. Have a few thoughts in your head, give them a maximum budget and see what they suggest.

As long as your mum's songs are played as you wish to do, and you are comfortable with the other arrangements, you might just find some relief in handing things over to the directors.

Condolences on your loss.