I don’t know what to do regarding Mums funeral

[kerstina]

I am an only child and really struggling. Finally got the death certificate after over two weeks wait but I am paralysed and can’t make a decision about whether to have a service or not. I really feel I can’t face one but am I letting mum down and other people who want to go. I suffer with anxiety and depression which has been severe at times. I think the waiting has made things worse.

I feel for you, after a long wait again 2 weeks for the death certificate, we had a private cremation for my father, only 8 of us present and it was a good occasion (my dad was 85 and had a good life) so we tried to celebrate rather than mourn.
Found a lovely venue for afternoon tea and we shared photos and memories as a family.
Perhaps if you can think if it in those terms it will help you to organise it, my sibling wasn't any help!

We had a private cremation and then, two months later, had a commemoration of life event where friends and family came to celebrate her life. It was semi formal, with half an hour or so of people speaking about her, then a buffet lunch. It was lovely and she would have thoroughly enjoyed it.

Our family have direct cremations. Have had since Covid. Peaceful and simple. We have a celebration meal later

I'm so sorry OP for the loss of your mum and that you are struggling.
Is there a close relative or friend who can help you make the arrangements?
Did your mum leave any wishes for her funeral?
Don't worry about letting your mum or her friends or extended family down, do what feels right for you.
You could have a simple short service, the vicar or celebrant can do any readings and eulogy.
Perhaps a relative or friend can help write the eulogy if you have a service.
I think once you take the first step you will feel better.
The funeral directors make all the practical arrangements so worth talking to them and saying how overwhelming it is, they can offer advice and go through options.
However if you don't want a service then that is also fine, do what's right for you

It might be worth arranging a meeting with a recommended funeral director. They were really helpful when my mum died and went through the options.
for example if are considering a service at the crematorium, they know what rooms were available in terms from very small onwards. They may have dealt with someone with similar concerns.
However you should not feel obliged to do anything if it does not feel right. I know someone who just did a direct cremation and then hosted tea and cake (sometime later when they felt ready ) to celebrate their mums life.
Sorry for your loss 💐

I’m an only child too and I understand how overwhelming it can be. Did your mum have a faith? Are there lots of family and friends that could help you?
my mum and I were very close and aside from my dh and daughters we had no other family in this country. My mum had a strong faith so I knew that she would have a requiem mass and be buried with my dad.
Try and look at it as the final good thing you could do for your dear mum.

My mum has had dementia since around 2013 I was her carer up until 3 and a half years ago when she went into a home. I was still involved with her care though going in most days and in May was told to expect the worst. This time has been so precious I played the seekers song to her everyday I will never find another you 💔 . We couldn’t have been closer. Unfortunately her lovely small care home closed and within two weeks of moving to a new one she died. So I have been stressed for years and not sure I can cope with much more at the moment. I think maybe a cremation and then a memorial gathering when I feel better. Or I guess I could go to the drs and trying and get medicine.

I’m sorry for your loss. It must be particularly dreadful to have to deal with this solo.

You mentioned other people who might want to attend, would these people be able to help plan the ceremony too? Could you ask them for some practical help?

If your mum was religious you might find your local vicar very helpful and supportive. I know that ours would be, even if you weren’t religious yourself.

Is there anyone you could speak to to who could help and offer you support?

There's no harm or shame in speaking to your doctor but please don't do it in order to get through a ceremony for other people. As others have said its becoming more usual to have a private cremation and a celebration of life later and that might be a better option for you.

Do look after yourself - Marie Curie offer a free bereavement counselling service which might be worth looking into, and The Samaritans are happy to talk to anyone who is struggling with their feelings - they're not just for people who feel they can't go on, but for people who are trying to find a way through how they're feeling.

A cremation and small memorial when you feel up to it sounds perfect.

I'm an only child and my mum is terminal so I understand a little of what you're going through. I would and will feel exactly the same. Your mum would not want you making yourself unwell. You have shown her so much love and devotion that whatever you decide to do now will be fine.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I’m an only child and have been through this. Do what is right for you, you are the important person here. Please don’t worry about what other people want or tell you to do. If you want a private cremation and maybe a celebration of her life later, do this.

Speak to your funeral director, they were so helpful when I lost my mother, even the celebrant was a great support and can guide you through it.
You will feel better once the planning start's but as other posters have said, you need to do what’s best for you.

So sorry for your loss xx

My friend had requested a direct cremation then 6 months later we scattered her ashes on a beach and had a gathering / speeches etc. I personally struggled without a funeral and when we scattered her ashes, it brought it all back and almost like starting from scratch. But go for what you want. Sorry for your loss.

My mum has just died. My dad is planning a direct cremation and then a memorial service. I must admit I am finding the thought of this much easier to deal with than an actual cremation service.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum 💐

I am also an only child and decided to have a direct cremation for my mum. My dad (parents divorced) thought it was a great idea and changed his pre-paid funeral plan to one as well. I have no regrets. You need to do what feels right for you OP.

Also an only child and it is beginning to look like I will be in a similar position.

I am speaking to the funeral directors in the coming weeks and will be discussing a direct cremation vs private small cremation. I won't be doing a full service. If the wider family want something else alongside it they can organise it themselves. I doubt I will attend. I too am exhausted by the process of death to be able to cope with a big goodbye.

It is too much to have been what you have been through, on your own.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did everything you could for your lovely mum. She was lucky to have you, and vice versa.

What would she want?

i think you might find it helpful to see your GP and ask them what they suggest.

I’d also suggest you contact a funeral director and ask for their guidance. Take care x

I sorry for your loss.
What do you want to do? Whatever it is you should do that!

We did a direct cremation with no service for my Dad. We didn’t even collect the ashes. (I think they get spread at the place he was cremated). It was a good decision for our family. It was a couple of years ago now and when I think of him I think of when he was alive. If we had had a funeral I think I would think more about his death. It’s not that we are uncomfortable about death or that we can’t cope with it. It just that once the person dies then, to us, the body is of no importance.

I'm an only child as well. My lovely mum hated funerals. When she died we had a direct cremation then when I felt up to it I arranged a celebration of her life with tea and cake (and coffee). I think it was similar to a previous poster's event. People spoke about their memories of her from her youth through to more recent memories. We had a couple of Bible readings from the grandchildren and we sang her favourite hymn and closed in prayer.

It was a joyful celebration and I'm pretty sure she would have loved every moment.

Thank you for all your messages and condolences. The worst part is I have an only child too I wish I could have thought more about him and had another child but that’s a whole different thread.
i thought the funeral directors might have reached out to me I am still stalling picking up the phone.
I wonder if it is possible to reach a compromise of being with mum in the crematorium on the day and having music and photos up of her life rather than a formal service. I would just have pachobel in D canon and the seekers song I mentioned.

It sounds as though it might be too overwhelming for you right now. As others have suggested, you could ask for a direct cremation (so no funeral service) and then when you’re stronger have a nice meal/get together with a few people to help honour your mum’s life. It’s a cliche to say it but funerals are really only for the living to help us process/find a way to say goodbye. It’s not dishonouring your mum’s life to do this differently in a way that you can cope with. If anything, it’s more honouring because when you do honour her life, you’ll hopefully be in a better, more peaceful place.

Only child here too. The last thing I wanted when my mum died was to organise and go through a funeral but it was actually really lovely when it happened and helped with the grieving process. I thought about a direct cremation but am glad I didn’t do that in the end. It was nice to gather with family and friends and talk about her and say goodbye. Calling the undertaker a day after she died was the best move I could have made- they took care of everything from then onwards.

Everyone has to do what they think is right for them and of course what their loved one wanted.

I’m so sorry for your loss xx

Have you chosen a funeral director? If you have email them if you can’t face ringing them and say you are struggling to decide what to do and can they ring you. I’m sure they can help you with some options.
You don’t have to have a big funeral, just something small and simple with a few people attending, a couple of nice poems, play the Seekers song and tea and cake somewhere afterwards. I know direct cremation is becoming more popular but a funeral is a helpful process to say goodbye with family and friends. If you do go for a direct cremation use your funeral director rather than one of the national chains.

I don't know what it's like in your area but here anything that you attend in the crematorium costs more than a direct cremation. No matter if there are five in the congregation or fifty, it costs nearly twice as much. You didn't mention if finance was a consideration for you. If it was that might worth thinking about.

Mum didn’t own her own home and just had a small amount of savings that would cover a funeral and a wake so money is not the issue . It is whether I can get through it and organise it .