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Still feel traumatised after Df death

14 replies

Totallybannanas · 30/09/2025 13:11

Df was in a nursing home, days leading up to his death he had terminal agitation. He didn't seem in pain, but he was caught in his memories, dreams and present. Although it was distressing with him trying to get out of bed, stripping and hullcinating, there were some lovely moments. He knew we were there and would respond to my voice, giving me a lovely smile and telling me he loved me. I stayed with him all through the night and neither of us got sleep. The asked for the syringe driver the Sunday the day it started and it was out in that night but took a few days to get the dosage right. On the Wednesday he was sleeping and I noticed his breathing would change occasionally. I decided to stay l. As the night went on he was gurgling a bit more. About 12.30am they had to turn him, I could see his bottom was hurting. They told me for the first time had a sore, so they would look at the dressing. His bottom was ok the sunday.as I checked with the nurse. Anyway I stepped out and walked down the corridor, as I came back I could hear my dad scream in pain, a few times. When the nurse came out she mentioned the dressing was caught on his pad and he wasn't happy being moved. I went in and his breathing was more rapid and gurgling, he was asleep. I mentioned it to the nurse after 20 mins as he wasn't as settled, she gave something for the secretions but when I asked about pain relief she suggested there he couldn't have more because they had upped it quite a bit that day. I sat with dad, and talked and the death rattle got worse so I stood outside for fresh air. When I came back I spoke to the nurse about his breathing again. When I went in and looked at dad's had I could see him grappling the sheet slightly. So I told the nurse, who had spoke to another nurse and they were getting more midazolam and morphine. it felt like forever. It was administered at 3.40, his breathing and rattle seems to change and there was moment of relief. But 20 mins later, it started to change. I rang my DH at 4.08, deciding whether to wake people up and he died at 4.20. I was playing a Neil diamond song called Be, I told him I loved him, he was a good dad and grandad. I remember he looked like he was about to smile, as I went to smile back but he never made it. His head looked up, he took his last breath and I literally feel I saw his spirit leave his body. I can't explain it, I saw him go. I shouted, waited for the next breath. His head then dropped and two exhales freaked me out so I rang the bell. I then felt this warm feeling in my chest as I waited for the the nurse. I can't seem to forget that night and I feel guilty for him being in pain, when they moved him. He never really recovered 😔 I can't tell anyone as I want the to know it was peaceful and it was in the last few minutes. I just can't forget the cries of pain 😔

OP posts:
HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 30/09/2025 17:22

I’m so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Daddy. How lucky he was that he was so loved and you were with him.

This resonates with me as my beloved Daddy died in hospice and vomited just before he died. It wasn’t peaceful but actually I think his brain had probably shut down in a morphine/ midazolam sleep so I hope and pray he wasn’t awake.

wishing you peace and healing. You will remember his last moments less and his wonderful life more as time passes.

Totallybannanas · 30/09/2025 22:06

Thank you, I hope so. I feel like I have let him down 😔 sorry for your loss too and sending hugs xx

OP posts:
cupfinalchaos · 30/09/2025 22:46

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and your pain. When my grandma died who was the closest person to me, for weeks I felt guilt that I’d left the hospital and wasn’t there for her. I never found out what happened. I tormented myself but I can tell you that in time, now I realise how insignificant that was- it was her life that mattered, not the last few minutes.

Your dad was so incredibly blessed to have you.

GooseAndSandals · 30/09/2025 22:51

You definitely did not let him down. You were there supporting him and advocating for him right til the end. You couldn’t have done any more than you did.

Poirot1983 · 30/09/2025 22:58

So sorry, OP.

I lost my dad when he was 64 to cancer. It took well over a year for the memories of his final hours to fade. Looking at photos of him as a young and healthy man helped. When I think of my dad now, that’s what I picture. He was a brilliant father who’d want me to remember him doing the things he loved with me (playing football in our garden etc.).

Totallybannanas · 30/09/2025 23:52

Thank you for your messages, I think hearing him scream out in pain because they moved him made me feel so guilty that I didn't push for the pain relief sooner or question them more as to why he was in so much pain from being moved. I have never heard him cry out like that before and he didn't seem to recover after that. I told everyone it was peaceful, but it wasn't at times. I should have been there when he was moved and stopped them.

OP posts:
BerolDryWipe · 02/10/2025 12:37

I've just been through similar with my Dad, he was only 65 and died from cancer. I held his hand and talked him out of this world, and am feeling very traumatised from it all.

The one thing I will say is that having been on the syringe driver with morphine and midazolam, I am 99% certain that he wasn't aware of what was happening at the time, he was unconscious and his body was doing what it needed to do to die, that's one of the comforts I take from it all.

I am so sorry for your loss, sending hugs xx

lucya66 · 02/10/2025 20:44

Im sorry for your loss and the trauma. I had something similar with my sister. She was 34 and passed about a month ago in the hospice. I was with her everyday and then her rattle increased. The nurses came to move her and suction her, so I stepped into the garden and then the nurse ran to me, to say she thought she was “going”. My sister hadn’t opened her eyes for a few days, being medicated with the syringe due to the agitation.

but when I ran back into her, her eyes were open again. I hope she could see me. I grabbed her hand and kissed her forehead, telling her over and over I loved her. She died. It wasn’t really peaceful. That’s just something I’ve told people because it feels reassuring. Really, it was quite traumatic. I don’t think she liked being suctioned or moved.

I will never forget the look on her face when she died. I will never forget sitting with her while she slowly went cold. How the colour drained from her so quickly. I’ve never seen a dead body before my sister died. She looked asleep after, but stiller. I miss her. I am honoured to have been there. I wanted to endure that. For her to know I was with her right until the very end.

justabigdisco · 09/10/2025 01:25

Hi OP, I have seen your posts on some other threads. I think our DFs died on the same day (25th?). Mine was at home and while he didn’t have much pain, he was agitated in his last days. It’s awful isn’t it x

Totallybannanas · 20/10/2025 21:43

justabigdisco · 09/10/2025 01:25

Hi OP, I have seen your posts on some other threads. I think our DFs died on the same day (25th?). Mine was at home and while he didn’t have much pain, he was agitated in his last days. It’s awful isn’t it x

So sorry to hear this and yes the same day. I hope you are doing ok xx

OP posts:
Mischance · 20/10/2025 22:05

I watched similar with my OH .... there are often moments of distress in amongst the peaceful fading of life. It is good you were there with him at the end. Gradually happier memories will take over and these distressing details will fade in your mind.
Sending a handhold.

kippersmum · 22/10/2025 22:36

Hello. My dad died on the 4th October. Very similar circumstances. I keep on getting flashbacks when I least expect it. Huge hugs to you xx

tsmainsqueeze · 22/10/2025 23:02

I am so sorry for everyone here who has lost someone.
I can't bear to think about my lovely dad's last few hours either , if my thoughts start to go there i have found a way to steer them to my wonderful happy memories of a wedding in our very close family , i see my mom and dad dancing and it blocks the bad memory.
Easier said than done i know but it works for me, i hope op and others that in time you begin to feel peace.

PineappleCoconut · 22/10/2025 23:09

Oh you poor love

your DF was incredibly lucky to have you there with him, fighting for his comfort in those final hours

its never easy. But you helped to make him more comfortable
i was with my own DF to the end
it’s not dignified
its not easy
but u did my very best
and he waited until we were all out of the room to pass
but I was there
if not in the room
an I was very privileged to do so

take comfort in that
he would have done
❤️

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