How will I know when my df is near the end?

[Totallybannanas]

He is currently in a nursing home and I am trying to be with him as much as I can. He has stage 4 cancer, and recently had another decline at the weekend. I keep expecting him to bounce back up, but he has been sleeping most of the time since Tuesday, and hasn't eaten since Sunday. He has had a very dry mouth, and was wanting to drink last night but taking sips. He has passed urine as his pad was wet. Today when I visited he was asleep for the entire duration I was there. I could hear he had secretions on his chest and he managed to cough it up when the nurses turned him. I've now come home to sleep. But part of me wonders whether I should stay with him overnight, although they only have a chair in the room and I'm worried about burning out. I don't really have anyone to take turns with. The nurses can't predict when it will happen, but said they will call if things change. But what changes will they be looking for? I don't really have a lot of faith in them if I'm honest. The only good thing is he doesn't seem in pain. There isn't a syringe driver on place yet as he still has his swollow.

from my own experience. Breathing becomes shallower and slower, just using the upper part of the lungs. Individual breaths gradually become further and further apart until the person takes their final breath and the room becomes silent.

sometime time they have a surge, where for a fleeting time they are themselves, it’s called something like the sunshine period. It’s bizarre and it can give false hope. tends to happens not long before they pass. It could last for a little moment of hours. Then slowly there body shuts down. Cold hands and feet. It’s so sad. I’m so sorry you’re going through this xx

Reathing mostly. It slows but that isnt always the case. It can be quick or slow.
There really isnt anyway of 100% knowing as everyone is different

His breathing sounds strong mostly. I keep hearing bubbling on his chest and he is trying to cough it up, sounds like secretions. The nurse turned him and he was able to then. Sounds better when he is sat up too. His eyes look very sunken and unfocused.

I am sorry you are going through this. Its hard isn't it?

I am currently supporting my friend through end of life care. Stage 4 breast cancer and she is now in hospice care and very much the same as your DF. She is currently non communicative, eyes open but staring and not really there. Not eating, now refusing water, pee the colour of coca cola and not having bowel movements. Lips are very dry and breathing seems mainly strong at the moment but bubbly. Also having a bit of trouble swallowing.

Nurses don't know how long, as its different for everyone, but weeks at best we have been told. But she was in renal and heart failure when admitted and she is so thin now. There is a DNR on her.

Its so sad to see our loved ones this way, its broken my heart to be honest. So I totally understand the feelings you are having now. I am torn between wanting her to stay, and praying for her to pass, as this stage just seems so long and drawn out. But she is not in pain so that is one thing.

Sending hugs x

Sorry you are going through this. It is really hard.

My mum's last day, I thought her eyes looked different. Colour had gone from deep brown to more of a bluey grey. I think I knew then and she passed away in her sleep that night. I was with her in the hospice and I was glad to be there so she wasnt alone, god love her. Her breathing was a bit noisy and rattled.

Sending you strength.

You’re not going to burn out.

It’s hard to say (and go through). Do you have any other family who can take turns with you? How far away are you from the nursing home?

I'm 25 mins away from the home depending on traffic. I've been doing the bulk of the care for my dad, the amount of times I've prepared myself and he's rallied again. It's been exhausting. This time he hasn't and just sleeping, his chest sounds bubbly but better sitting up and his eyes look sunken. He still wants a drink and his mouth is dry.

Did you stay with her every day until the end? I am tempted to go sick but not sure how long this will go on for. He hasn't eaten for 5 days but taking sips for water. Apparently he got up and walked down the corridor this morning and was hallucinating. Yet he has been asleep for the duration I've been here. He is on very strong medication.

My DM took unwell suddenly and had passed away within the week so work gave me compassionate leave as it was all so quick and shocking. On the Monday we were discussing her shopping list then by the Wednesday we were discussing end of life care options and she passed away Sunday morning.

It must be so hard when it is prolonged in this way. But he is up and moving around yet not eating? Can the doctors not say more? It's so hard to know what to do. You can only do your best. You must look after yourself and keep yourself strong, but its easy to say.

Some parts of the day he can't even manage to sit up. The staff were shocked to see him walking this morning, I think he was trying to go home 😔

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope your work are sympathetic. Sometimes the person waits until their loved one is out of the room. So don’t feel sad if you aren’t there….that happens a lot.

It sounds like it might be close, but it’s so hard to know. I have sat with three loved ones and two slipped away in brief moments when I wasn’t beside them. With one, I had just nipped to the loo, and with the other I was asked by nursing staff to leave the room while they washed her. There was no obvious sign.

The other passing was more obvious - with a change in the breathing minutes before the end.

Sometines it’s clear, other times it’s not. It’s ok to take a break, and get the rest you need. I’m sure it’s what they would want for you too.

I have also heard of people slipping away while loved ones were not there. My DP was with his DF at the end, he and his DM & Sis went off to make a cup of tea and when they went back to DF, he had gone.

You have to just do what you can. It must be so hard for you. You must look after yourself.

I got my dad home (as he wanted to be fhere) and I stayed in bed with him for ten days and ten nights thinking each night would be the night. I joked that he wasnt allowed to die at night as I would be freaked out. He was on syringe driver and mostly unresponsive for 48hrs and died at 124pm. I noticed his breathing changed with a strange mouth shape and it was faster and more laboured than fhd death rattles hed been having. Then I checked his finger nails which were blue. So I played him music, washed him etc and he passed within 30 mins. So it can go quickly. I am glad he was at home as I coild share a bed with him so I also got some rest. Its harder for you hes in a hospice but I dont think my dad was aware anyway

I’d say it sounds close. It was 6 days after the secretions started like you describe that my friend died. They said it would be 2 days and she was gone within the hour. I think at this stage it’s best to stay if you want to be there.

Today he had been really unsettled, and it's been distressing. He seems out of it but when you call his name he tries to wake and respond. He looks greyer today and keeps fidgeting with the bed covers, on and off. Think he gets hot then cold. He is having some sips, but then coughs. I'm finding it very distressing of I'm honest. This morning he was standing up and getting out of bed, morning seems to be his active time. I don't know what he wants and if he is in pain. I feel like I'm fussing but not really making him comfortable.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

Have you spoken to your employer about the situation?

In my DFs last week I just had this feeling that I couldn't shake that we were nearing the end. My manager dramatically reduced my workload and the expectation for me to work was as and when I could/was able to. I'm so thankful for that because I would just drop what I was doing and head over to visit. No worries about getting back to my desk etc. This was a combination of carers and compassion leave...and an agreement between ourselves. I hope your role/employers are/can be as flexible as mine.

If this isn't possible then I would consider taking sick leave. The last week or so and then being there for his passing was special and heartbreaking at the same time.

Sending you strength.

I’m so so sorry you are going through this. You are me last weekend. My dad was the same covers on and off, agitated, but still found some strength to get to the bathroom on the Sunday, it’s very hard to know when the end is coming and I was desperate to know myself. My dad started with the noisy breathing (death rattle) during the Sunday night and he passed away a few hours later. Take care of yourself, stay strong sending lots of love x

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's the most exhausting and heartbreaking thing I have ever seen. You feel so helpless. Can I ask did they have a syringe driver?