50 years on

[Magpiemines]

It's almost 50 years since my mother died. I was a young child and have only a few memories. My father never spoke about her. He got rid of almost every photo of her. My stepmother wouldn't let us talk about her. There's no memorial to her either. I've managed to find out where her ashes were scattered and I'm going to visit on the anniversary. I just feel so lost in all of this. I keep feeling like that little girl again. But I'm so scared that if I let myself the feel the full extent of my grief then I will literally fall apart.
I'm not looking for pity. I just needed to write this all down.

I am so sorry. It must be so painful never having been allowed to process your grief and talk about your mother. Is there any possibility you could find anyone who remembers her? Her family or friends?

That must be so hard. As pp said this will be down to you not be allowed to process your grief as a child.
That was particularly cruel of your dad to get rid off all go her photos. Did he let you have any? Do you have any siblings to share this with? Are any of your mothers family still alive who you could contact?

It’s never too late to grieve and you clearly never have. Various reasons it took me 10 years before I even started to grieve my mother and even then I still haven’t properly gone through the process. She died 20 years ago.

I don’t know what it needs to look like for you. You might find yourself crying loads, but actually you might be okay. Could you visit her grave? Could you go and ‘talk to her’ there? I know you need to make space for it.

best wishes x