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Original poster

Friend’s DH killed himself

19 replies

AutumnalLight · 07/09/2025 09:00

It’s been 6 months which is obviously very early days. She can’t bring herself to talk about it. She says she’s telling people he had a heart attack.
They have kids. She says the kids don’t want their school friends to know.
It’s completely devastating for her obviously. I don’t know how to help. I can’t push her to talk. She just breaks down if she tries. It’s so heartbreaking.

Wondering if anyone has has a similar experience?

OP posts:
CrazyCatMam · 07/09/2025 09:08

How old are her kids?

Original poster
AutumnalLight · 07/09/2025 09:12

unsurewhattodoaboutit · 07/09/2025 09:03

I have had experience of family suicide and now work for a charity called SOBS. Maybe try to point her in their direction?
https://uksobs.com/

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnalLight · 07/09/2025 09:13

CrazyCatMam · 07/09/2025 09:08

How old are her kids?

Teens

OP posts:
Mikart · 07/09/2025 09:16

Very sad. Ex dh wanted to tell people ds hadnt taken his own life but we over ruled him. There is no shame.

BollyKnickerz · 07/09/2025 09:19

It's tricky. They don't owe anyone an explanation. "My dad has died" will do. A simple "I don't want to talk about it" Is a good enough answer.

I'm sorry this has happened to their dad and has such sad consequences for his children.

Arlanymor · 07/09/2025 09:19

It’s so rough, I have experience of suicide within my family and people are so divided on how they handle it. SOBS is a very good recommendation. And it sounds trite, but time really does help. Thanks for being a good friend and to try and help navigate things. Lots of people run in the opposite direction when this situation occurs.

Thunderpants88 · 07/09/2025 09:23

No experience directly of this but your friend will be in the throes of shock, grief, devastation, guilt (even though that’s not the right emotions it’s likely how she feels)

Now is the time to surround her with love because you are one of the people she has trusted with the truth. Let her work through this at her own pace. Please don’t judge or question her decision. She will be clutching at straws just to keep going and her head above water.

The truth will come out to her children but she will be acting on Mothers instinct and what she feels is the right thing to do in this moment. If I were one of her children and was told the truth as an adult mid 30’s and being a parent would give me the lens of compassion and understanding to look back and see why Mum decided to shield us from the truth. Teens aren’t rational and are flooded with hormones and an underdeveloped brain so this will be hard

please just walk alongside your friend with love and when the time is right and she deicides to tell the kids what happened be there then also.

CrazyCatMam · 07/09/2025 09:30

@Thunderpants88 I read it as her own kids (teens) know the truth, but don’t want anyone else to know. Understandable. I worked with teenagers for many years and they can be absolutely vile to each other. Anyone who’s lost a parent is sadly vulnerable to other teens taking the mick, regardless of the circumstances.

Redglitter · 07/09/2025 09:33

@CrazyCatMam you beat me to that. Thats how i read it too

mamagogo1 · 07/09/2025 09:39

Please encourage her to speak to the organisation mentioned or a more general bereavement charity, she is not alone alas and there are others who can offer help and support but remember she needs to be in a position to be supported which it sounds like she isn’t. I’ve worked in bereavement counselling and many clients weren’t ready in the first year to have counselling, then they turned to us

tarheelbaby · 07/09/2025 09:54

Lots of great advice upthread from PPs about suicide support. Huge sympathy to you and to her. Also as others have said, just try to be there in person, especially for practical crap like fixing the printer or walking the dogs or going to the supermarket. The talking will come when it does.

When my DH died from cancer about 18mos ago, my teens didn't want anyone to know because they didn't want to talk about it (constantly - when you tell people they ask you about it all the time and it's hard to have normal conversations).

They struggled with how to tell anyone. As DD1 observed, it's a tricky topic to work into conversation ... Her closest friends were also family friends so they mostly knew from the start because I'd told their parents.

With DD2, I explained that if she didn't tell her friends, they would be hurt and feel like she didn't consider them friends. We worked out that I should ask the mum of one of her friends to tell the other mums and to explain that DD didn't want to talk about it.

Thunderpants88 · 07/09/2025 10:42

Redglitter · 07/09/2025 09:33

@CrazyCatMam you beat me to that. Thats how i read it too

You and @CrazyCatMam are right

ignore thoughts above as they are largely irrelevant.

other posters have given great advice

Original poster
AutumnalLight · 07/09/2025 18:30

Thunderpants88 · 07/09/2025 09:23

No experience directly of this but your friend will be in the throes of shock, grief, devastation, guilt (even though that’s not the right emotions it’s likely how she feels)

Now is the time to surround her with love because you are one of the people she has trusted with the truth. Let her work through this at her own pace. Please don’t judge or question her decision. She will be clutching at straws just to keep going and her head above water.

The truth will come out to her children but she will be acting on Mothers instinct and what she feels is the right thing to do in this moment. If I were one of her children and was told the truth as an adult mid 30’s and being a parent would give me the lens of compassion and understanding to look back and see why Mum decided to shield us from the truth. Teens aren’t rational and are flooded with hormones and an underdeveloped brain so this will be hard

please just walk alongside your friend with love and when the time is right and she deicides to tell the kids what happened be there then also.

Edited

The kids know. They don’t want their school friends to know. I can understand that. I can understand my lovely friend not feeling able to discuss it. I’d never push her to do so. I just feel so useless in terms of how to help.

Thanks for all you responses. I really appreciate it. I’m can see she’s just reeling. And I am really worried about her. It’s horrifically sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnalLight · 07/09/2025 18:33

tarheelbaby · 07/09/2025 09:54

Lots of great advice upthread from PPs about suicide support. Huge sympathy to you and to her. Also as others have said, just try to be there in person, especially for practical crap like fixing the printer or walking the dogs or going to the supermarket. The talking will come when it does.

When my DH died from cancer about 18mos ago, my teens didn't want anyone to know because they didn't want to talk about it (constantly - when you tell people they ask you about it all the time and it's hard to have normal conversations).

They struggled with how to tell anyone. As DD1 observed, it's a tricky topic to work into conversation ... Her closest friends were also family friends so they mostly knew from the start because I'd told their parents.

With DD2, I explained that if she didn't tell her friends, they would be hurt and feel like she didn't consider them friends. We worked out that I should ask the mum of one of her friends to tell the other mums and to explain that DD didn't want to talk about it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. And thanks for sharing. Your girls are very lucky to have such a sensitive, thoughtful mum 💛

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnalLight · 07/09/2025 18:34

mamagogo1 · 07/09/2025 09:39

Please encourage her to speak to the organisation mentioned or a more general bereavement charity, she is not alone alas and there are others who can offer help and support but remember she needs to be in a position to be supported which it sounds like she isn’t. I’ve worked in bereavement counselling and many clients weren’t ready in the first year to have counselling, then they turned to us

I have sent her the link. I agree, she’s just not there yet.

OP posts:
1983Louise · 08/09/2025 16:22

Perhaps encourage her to join WAY - Widowed and Young, it's for under 50s. I think they help support with children and families who's lost someone to suicide. You're being a great friend, just be there for her, she'll talk when she's ready x

amlie8 · 10/10/2025 20:02

@AutumnalLight Late to this but wanted to weigh in. My mother killed herself just over a year ago.

We haven't really told many people. We just don't want to. If we see people who don't know, we say 'she wasn't very well'. I am extremely choosy about who I tell, because I don't believe many people can handle it without being insensitive. (However, you sound very gentle and sensitive.)

Your friend is probably still deep in shock. For me, it took around six months to wear off. I'd say it hasn't fully worn off even now. Suicide bereavement shock is something else. Her brain is working so hard to protect her, and it's only letting her process a tiny bit at a time. The idea of talking to you about it – no, that's clearly too much for her right now.

I recommend just keeping on being there, gently and subtly. Check in regularly and lightly. Share things with your friend – the stuff you used to share, whether it was recipes or memes or whatever. Keep being her link to 'normal', be a rock. If it's her cup of tea, have walks together. Just stay the course, like the real friend you are. I think she will talk to you, one day.

Buy her this book – it's often mentioned by people bereaved in this way.

Be aware that the inquest will be coming up at some point in the next 6-8 months (I doubt it has happened yet, the delays are crazy). I wouldn't mention this to her right now but do be quietly aware of it, because that will be hard for her.

Original poster
AutumnalLight · 10/10/2025 21:01

amlie8 · 10/10/2025 20:02

@AutumnalLight Late to this but wanted to weigh in. My mother killed herself just over a year ago.

We haven't really told many people. We just don't want to. If we see people who don't know, we say 'she wasn't very well'. I am extremely choosy about who I tell, because I don't believe many people can handle it without being insensitive. (However, you sound very gentle and sensitive.)

Your friend is probably still deep in shock. For me, it took around six months to wear off. I'd say it hasn't fully worn off even now. Suicide bereavement shock is something else. Her brain is working so hard to protect her, and it's only letting her process a tiny bit at a time. The idea of talking to you about it – no, that's clearly too much for her right now.

I recommend just keeping on being there, gently and subtly. Check in regularly and lightly. Share things with your friend – the stuff you used to share, whether it was recipes or memes or whatever. Keep being her link to 'normal', be a rock. If it's her cup of tea, have walks together. Just stay the course, like the real friend you are. I think she will talk to you, one day.

Buy her this book – it's often mentioned by people bereaved in this way.

Be aware that the inquest will be coming up at some point in the next 6-8 months (I doubt it has happened yet, the delays are crazy). I wouldn't mention this to her right now but do be quietly aware of it, because that will be hard for her.

Thank you so much for your comment Amlie and I’m so sorry for your loss x

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