Feeling low and lonely

[LinedOverLatte]

Just that really. My elderly mum died the other day. She’d been very ill and so it’s a relief that she’s no longer suffering and we were able to sit with her, chat, say goodbye and things like that and I know we were very lucky to have that time.

Whilst I know she’s in a better place, we’ll really miss her. She was the glue in our family. I feel very lonely. I’m in my 50s, single and don’t have any friends, so no one to talk to. I do have adult DSs but don’t really want to burden them when they’re also grieving and I don’t know how to tell them how I feel anyway.

The one person who I knew always had my back was my mum and - selfishly - I’m lost without that and a bit scared of the future.

I know this will pass, but any advice on what to do in the meantime please?

I'm in the same situation as you. My mum was my world. I lost her with dementia in July although truth be told I'd lost her a long time ago.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I am sorry that you have lost your dear Mum and hope that when this painful transition is over you will be able to remember her with happiness. I hope that you will be able to make her funeral a fitting tribute to her and all she meant to you.

I’m so sorry.

Are there any local bereavement groups that you could join?

You say you are lonely - we often don’t build strong friendships until times of need so perhaps you can talk about how you feel to people you know but don’t yet see as friends ? Someone at work for example? Talking helps and many people have been through this. You may be surprised

your adult children - ask how they feel - don’t skirt around this - again they may have your back without you realising

I’m so sorry.

I think sharing memories and talking with your DSs isn’t burdening them, and as adults they know that this is a big loss for you. It might not be deep but I think it will still help.

So sorry for your loss. I lost my dad a few weeks ago. Losing a parent is really tough. 😔💐xx

The one person who I knew always had my back was my mum and - selfishly - I’m lost without that and a bit scared of the future.

This isn't selfish, it's a totally natural reaction. Feeling safe again is a gradual adjustment. You'll probably always have times where you feel this but you'll find ways to feel connected to her and draw strength from the support she gave you.

Losing your mum is hard and grief is lonely. Take things one moment at a time without trying to think too far ahead as that can be what really takes the air out of your lungs.

Sometimes when you're feeling lonely it can help to find ways to spend time around other people, even if you're not really interacting or talking about your grief. That might just be sitting in a cafe with people around you, or a library, or a church service (I know someone who attended because she found singing the hymns comforting as they took her to her childhood, plus there were people around her).

There are also different bereavement services you could explore. Sue Ryder and Marie Curie have different bereavement services - Marie Curie can put you in touch with a volunteer for 6 telephone support sessions, Sue Ryder has a grief advice service where you can subscribe for text messages with advice. There are also forums a bit busier than this one where you can connect with others. Samaritans too if you want a listening ear where you won't feel a burden (they're for anyone in distress).

Sometimes when you're feeling pain or fear you also just need to let yourself feel those emotions so they can begin to drain away. Then in between the intense emotions, do something distracting or enjoyable so you get some rest. And when you feel ready turn to face some of the grief again.

Keep eating and drinking and getting good sleep as grief is very physically draining.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. You know that soothing feeling you get when someone else is kind or compassion towards you? Well, when you're kind and compassionate towards yourself it has a similar soothing effect on your central nervous system. Use the love your mum gave you to be loving towards yourself. So none of this calling yourself selfish please. They're natural feelings. 💐

I lost my mum last December, I cared for her for the last 10 years, I moved in with her.
Grief is a strange thing and it hits people differently. Its a tough one when we lose our mum. 💔 I'm up and down xx
Take each day as it comes and don't put any pressure on yourself.
Sue Ryder have been amazing, look them up.

I lost my mum recently too. I know exactly what you mean, mine always had my back, no matter what. I lost my dad years before that. I feel no one is on my side anymore. My best friend and dp both have both parents so they don’t understand at all.

So sorry for your loss. Loosing your mum
is so hard. I lost mine in March and she is rarely far from my thoughts. She was my best friend.

I think you have to be kind to yourself and don't keep it all in. You are not being selfish, you are grieving for someone you loved dearly.

Tell your DC how you feel and share your memories. My DF 88 is still around and it helps to talk about our memories. But do seek support. Sue Ryder perhaps.

Feeling this too right now. My own DM built up such a big family and thought we would have each other when she was gone, but the brothers and sisters have cleaved into sex/gender-segregated groups following discussions about where she would go after being discharged from hospital/were we right to phone up the ambulance for her final hospitalisation and as the youngest, have to navigate these divides and be the peacemaker.

If Mum was less out of it in the first place, we probably might have gotten on a bit better in the run-up. Now it just feels like we were a litter of kittens forced to stay with each other until old age.