Am I getting this wrong?

[Lifejigsaw]

A good friend of mine lost their small child a few weeks ago. It was sudden but not wholly unexpected due to illness.

they let me know a few days after it happened by text. I have messaged them about every 5 days since to check on them/offer support etc but to no reply. I should say they are reading the messages within minutes and are online regularly.

Now of course that is FINE and I said in my first message that I understood they might not want to talk, but I’m increasingly worried I’m getting something is wrong and they might want me to stop. I even asked about the funeral and didn’t get a reply so think I might have missed it - but maybe they don’t want me there?

How do you know if you are helping or hindering? I’m worried they aren’t talking to anyone as I don’t think they have many people to support them.

They’re probably just absolutely exhausted OP.

What was your friendship like before the bereavement? Did you mainly communicate by text, or did you speak on the phone, or pop round to each other's house? And has that changed now?

Was it their only child, and do you still have a child?

Can you visit in person with an honest greeting of ‘I’ve been worried about you. Could I get some shopping in for you or help with…’. Don’t say ‘if you need anything let me know’ because they won’t.

They will still be in shock and not fully functioning.

if they don’t wish for visitors let them be as they’ll need the time alone.

Thanks for your thoughts.

our relationship before was very text based as they have been through the mill with their sick child for so long. Before that we would meet up regularly.

I don’t have a child so no worries their about them avoiding that.

I don’t feel I can over as if they’re not up for texting that feels too much. Also I don’t know their spouse so it would feel intrusive.

Just leave them alone for now, OP.
If they want to communicate, they will. Let them have peace.

Do they have any other children? When my husband died suddenly I was left with two children who still needed parenting and supporting whilst they grieved. Your friend may simply have no spare bandwidth at present. I would continue with supportive check ins for a while yet.

I would really try not to take any of this personally, OP. You're being a really good friend by checking in, but right now they are probably managing a lot of expectation from people in their close family as well as what must be an unimaginable magnitude of grief. It's likely that the funeral, if it has happened, was small.

I remember a friend who I valued very much dying of cancer. She didn't answer any of my texts or offers to visit. That was about twenty years ago. I felt bitterly rejected and quite angry, to be honest - lots of objectively quite selfish emotions, I suppose. It took me a while to understand that when someone's time and bandwidth is fundamentally limited they will focus on their immediate priorities and however much you care about them that may not include you. But it comforts me now to know that she knew I cared and was thinking about her and wanted to see her.

What I'm saying is, at the moment friendship means both offering your friend support and accepting that it might not be what she will take up at this moment. But she will always remember that you were there and you cared, and I think she will turn to you once this immediate rush of shock and grief and logistics has calmed down. I would check in with something like "thinking of you, here if you need me" regularly and remind yourself that you may not get a response for a while.

depends how close you are, but if it happened to one of my good friends, I’d do more than send a text. I’d have gone to visit, brought flowers, listened to them, brought food and offered help (tidying, looking after their other dc). I’d basically muck in and wouldn’t wait to be asked.