When you keep forgetting someone has gone... how to get it to sink in?

[itstooorangeyforcrows]

This, really. My friend only passed at the beginning of this week so it's obviously still raw and I'm not really ready to speak about the ins and outs, but I'm having so much trouble getting my head around it because this is someone I talked to every single day (via text/messenger type apps as we lived a long way apart) and shared a lot with. Umpteen times every day I'm catching myself thinking 'Must tell X about that', 'That'd make X laugh,' etc, and every time it hits me all over again that they're gone.

I'm in bits. I've been through bereavement before on numerous occasions, including close family, which was obviously far worse, but I've never had the experience of having to keep reminding myself the person is gone. It's not entirely unexpected as my friend had a life-limiting illness and was going downhill, but there was a very sudden drop of the cliff last weekend which I don't think anyone, including my friend, had particularly foreseen. It still doesn't seem real.

Can anyone relate to this, and if so, how did you cope?

You are dealing with the shock of it. It won't 'sink in' as your mind is trying to protect you. The only thing that helps is time.

It took a good few weeks before I stopped going to tell my OH things every hour, and it still happens once or twice a week now 18 months out.

I don’t think there’s a way to retrain your mind, it’s just the process of time and that can’t be rushed. 5 years on, I still sometimes have a nanosecond of a thought where I reach for the phone to tell my mum something and then remember she’s not there.

Your mind is struggling to process what has happened so it doesn't quite feel real yet.

When my Mum passed away suddenly, I kept thinking 'oh I will call my Mum' and then the realisation would hit that she is not there. I knew she had died, And I knew she wasn't there, but at the same time my brain wouldn't allow me to quite believe that she wasn't actually there. If you know what I mean.

It took a while for me to actually get my head round it and fully accept that I was never going to see her again. I still kept expecting her to call me, or text me and I kept thinking that I will wake up tomorrow and it will all of been a bad dream. Accept of course, it wasn't.

I have no advice really on how to deal with it. You kind of have to ride it out. Your brain catches up eventually and it does get better.

4 years on and every now and then I still have the odd moment where I want to call her and temporarily forget she is not there and won't answer.

I am so sorry for your loss. 🌹

Sorry for your loss ❤️

It's been almost 5 years since I lost my son, I still have moments of wanting to tell him something or thinking he'd like that.

Just the other week I saw a t-shirt i thought he'd like, and it wasn't until my hand was reaching for it...

im really sorry for your loss. It just happens gradually over time. When my dad died I would always accidently count him in numbers for family things or even such tiny things as looking out cutlery for a family dinner. I used to think all the time oh I must tell him this or that but over the years ur brain adjusts to this new reality and you think oh they would have liked tht or I wish I could tell them this or that. It really only changes with the passing of time

Thanks everyone for the supportive messages, and I'm really sorry to hear of pps' losses. 💐I know it's going to take time, and that it's very early days yet. I guess I just need to sit with it for now and let myself feel however I feel. I keep going to open the messaging app we used to use, then having an 'oh' moment, it's almost like muscle memory to open it at certain times each day for a chat with my friend. It's definitely going to take some time to adjust.

My Mum died 8 years ago and I still occasionally think that I must remember to tell her something.

I'm the same with my dad who's been gone 6 years, it never really goes away with a close relative, does it. 😥Sorry you lost your mum.

I can totally relate. Lost a really close friend in March. 9wks from diagnosis to her gone. I often think I must tell her that, then realise I can’t. Drove down her road the other day and saw someone in the park opposite walking dogs that looked like ours (we always walked there) and the tears started. I miss her so much and it’s so hard to accept that she is gone forever.

I understand where you are coming from it seems so unfair. My best friend died in a car accident the day before our finals. I still feel so sad and it was sometime ago. Do we ever really accept it? Look after yourself.

Thanks for the kind wishes. @Zanatdy and @mumof2many1943 I'm sorry to hear you've been through this too. 💐