No-one wants to remember mum's birthday

[Confusdworriedmum]

It's what would have been my mum's 83rd birthday tomorrow. My mum was all about family, always was.
I suggested to my siblings and dad that we did something to remember mum's birthday but I was told my dad didn't want to, just wanted to get through the day. Fair enough I suppose it's up to him and my siblings don't want to do anything without him.
My kids are with their dad this weekend ( he refused to swap) so I'm on my own tomorrow. I feel so so sad and lonely. All I want is to be with someone who knew my mum and could talk to me and give me a hug.
My mum died in February so it's the first birthday and I really thought my family would want to help each other through it.
I've been in tears most of the week and I just want to stay in bed tomorrow because it feels like no-one cares.
Ex always said no-one cares about me, guess he was right after all.

They care…. They just want to deal with their grief differently than you do and that ok too

Best thing I did to deal with grief is plant a rose bush in my garden for my dad and when I feel sad I go out and talk to dad…. Can you spend the day finding a way to celebrate her that you can continue every year… did she have a cafe or park that she loved so you can go there

Everyone copes with grief differently - my mum died last year and her birthday was 6 months later. My Dad, sister and I ended up attending an event we know she would’ve loved.
But Mother’s Day I just couldn’t cope being around people so spent the day crying on my cats.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Everyone experiences grief in different ways. It does not mean for a moment that nobody cares about you.

I'm sorry for your loss💐

Spend tomorrow doing things your mum would appreciate. Maybe buy her favourite flowers and visit her place of rest, look through some photos of fond memories, listen to some music she enjoyed, watch her favourite film, go to a picturesque place she loved, donate to a favourite cause. Remember her and feel close to her.💙

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had the same when my Mum died. The first Birthday no-one else wanted to do anything either. My Dad just wanted to pretend the day wasn't happening and not make it a big deal and it was his way of coping with it. But he was the same with Mothers Day, his own Birthday, and Christmas. He didn't want to know and we had to respect that. My Brother also felt the same.

Its sad and its not that they don't care, its just its their own way of dealing with it all.

You can do something yourself. Go for a walk somewhere quiet and think of her, buy some flowers, go for a coffee, do something that you would normally have done together. You have to find your own way to cope with these days. Its hard, but you will get through it.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op. My mum was the glue that held our family together and since she died 7 years ago we all tend to keep to ourselves more. It’s lonely and I’m struggling, feeling similarly to you.

she’s still with you, and it’s time to use all that love she poured into you by taking care of yourself as best you can.

This. Why dont you schedule in a counselling sessions. Many offer online / teams options now.

Everyone grieves differently. They might not feel able to remember her birthday. If you want to mark it, get up and do something to remember it. You could go to.the cemetery or do something your mum would like to do.

I’m sure they care, but it’s going to be hard for everyone and they have to do it there way. Do what you can to get through. The first one is tough.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’d try and find a way to honour her memory yourself. Could you take a walk, visit her favourite place, cook her favourite food, watch her favourite movie? Find a way so that you still feel connected to her but please don’t take everyone else’s reaction personally. Grief is painful and a very personal experience. It’s very unfair to decide that your family don’t care just because they don’t wish to feel it in the same way as you.

Thank you for the kind replies.
I realise I did sound really selfish saying they didn't care, I think I'm just finding it tough. I don't see a lot of my brother's but we always saw each other on mum's birthday.
My family seem so fractured since mum died and I think she'd hate that because mum was always about family (so was dad but he's obviously finding it incredibly hard). Then when you have someone toxic (ex) telling you they don't care when I'm already feeling sensitive it makes me believe it.
I'm going to watch mum's favourite musical later and maybe go for a walk if I feel up to it. Been holding the tears back all morning but now the kids have gone I can't stop.

Let the tears flow op, they’re healing.

If kicking someone when they’re down makes your dickhead ex feel like a big man that says everything we need to know about what kind of person he is. greyrock him, don’t give the weasel the satisfaction of thinking he’s got to you.

your plans for the day sound perfect. Your relationship with your mum can never be over as your love will last forever x

What was your mum’s favourite musical? Share memories about her here if it helps. Everyone has to grieve in their own way, hopefully next year you can be together. Call your dad just for a chat.

Your Dad will be broken to bits OP. I was widowed 10 years ago after 26 years of marriage and I'd like to say it's all better now - but it really isn't. Your Dad is only 8 months in. As for your brothers (at the risk of sounding sexist), men don't show their emotions in the same way as us. Now to your ex - there's a reason he is your ex and you've explained that perfectly well. He's a nasty individual.

It sounds as though you’re not just missing your mum but you’re also fearful about what the loss of your mum means for the future of your wider family. It’s ok to say to your brothers “I’m worried that we might become strangers without mum to hold us together. You’re important to me and I don’t want you to fade out of my life now that she’s not here”.

People are entitled to express their grief in different ways, that doesn't mean that they don't care about you.
It's also unfortunate that your kids won't be about, but again, I don't think your ex is necessarily being unreasonable.
I am sorry for your loss though, maybe try your best to remember your mum, (look at photos or just remember her), have a cry if you need to, and do something positive (buy yourself some flowers or a plant in her memory, donate something to her favourite charity, write a letter to her etc).