How did your friends support you?

[Passthecake30]

I lost my mum about a week and a half ago, and I’m very surprised/disappointed with the support (or lack of) from some of my friends. Other people have checked in on me a couple of times, without pressure, but reminding me that they are there for a shoulder to cry on or just mundane WhatsApp chit chat. Just wondering what other people’s experiences were.

When DH died about 18mos ago, my friends, and his, did a range of things:
His parents bravely came with me to meet (asshole) funeral director
close friend and godmother of DD brought food and flowers and came for a visit
many, many people sent cards/texts/emails
employer and former employer sent flowers
dear neighbours who are also close friends helped with IT issues and just listening to me blether on
long time neighbour/acquaintance visited and brought flowers

Many people just don't know what to do but want to help. If you need help in some way, I'm sure anyine would step in - just text/phone and say, 'I need someone to walk dogs b/c I have a meeting about the estate' or 'Can you come with me to funeral home to discuss costs/services?'

sorry for your loss - it's a horrible thing

I asked for no cards,flowers or platitudes...ie hes gone to a better place, with his grandad blah blah ...which i found really offensive.
I have half a dozen good friends who checked in daily, sent Cook meals and actually did some research into how to talk to someone who's bereaved by suicide. But the majority of people just don't know what to say. We had a private funeral with a celebration of life a month later .

I think it’s really difficult for people to offer support, as a lot of people are enormously touchy when they’re giving, and they can take offence at anything that people say or do. I was overwhelmed with support for the first 6-9 months, and I really appreciated everyone who offered help. Sometimes the best thing to do is offer practical support, such as doing a food shop. I found it hard to look after myself and eat properly for quite a while. I’m sorry for your loss.

I’m really sorry for your loss. When I lost my dad, the friends who helped most were the ones who just showed up in small ways - sending a random message, bringing food, or just sitting with me without trying to “fix” anything.

I had messages in group chats or private chats from
most WhatsApp/Instagram friends who were aware, which was lovely.

My DH was annoyed that I didn’t receive more house visits or flowers, but I was not, as most people are rather short on time and money, which I completely understood.

Just the texts to acknowledge my loss was enough. A few friends tried to phone, but I mostly didn’t answer but messaged them back thanking them but saying I was in no state for an actual conversation. I didn’t want to speak to or see anyone for weeks.

Everyone deals with grief differently. A few friends messaged me weeks later saying sorry they hadn’t been in touch, they didn’t know what to say or were processing their own stuff. I was ok with it, loss is really hard and weird. My best friend knew from a group chat but didn’t reply to me for 2 weeks, as she was grieving her own mum.

Another friends dad died 2 weeks after mine and she might think I was shitty and unsupportive, I just couldn’t bare to talk about more death before my own dad was buried. The reality was I was holding on by a thread and mostly getting through the days on auto pilot and then wine in the evening, I had zero headspace for anything else.

Im sorry for your loss OP, and if your friends aren’t being great. Some people just don’t know how to approach grief and it makes them scared, some people are traumatised by their own.

My Dad is currently in hospice near the end. Most people don't know what to say however my 2 oldest friends have been brilliant sending me pics from what they are doing on their holidays. Sounds awful but sitting there waiting for the end for hours and days having a new picture to show Dad is fantastic. Obviously my dad knows these friends and is keen to see what they are up to. It's meant so much to me they are thinking of us

@kippersmum sorry you are going through this. When my mum was nearing the end she also thrived on seeing updates from my school friends via Facebook. I’m on the other side of the funeral now, and the friends that were messaging earlier also remembered me on the day, whereas the others remained silent. I will have words with them at some point, but at the moment I’m in hibernation mode. Wishing you strength at this time xx

sorry for your loss OP

Tbh unless you’ve suffered a really close bereavement people have absolutely no idea what you’re going through.

I’m very ashamed now of my lack of support for my friend who lost her DH five years before I lost mine.

I’m so sorry for your loss. One of my fiends brought wine every week for me when my mum was diagnosed until she died then sent flowers the day she died . Most of my friends text me every day at the start and now a few weeks later I still get lots of messages. I also met my friends for coffees / lunches / brunches / walks. I don’t see my friends all the time but they really stepped up for me, my old work sent me flowers and my new work send me a voucher for take away which was really sweet and I’m very grateful. I’m sorry you’re feeling a bit alone.

I’m sorry for your loss op. I think often people step back and leave families to grieve, then are there when you are ready to message them. They don’t want to impose on a family’s grief.

Recently I dropped off a card to my friend who lost her mum. It was 3 weeks later which I know was shitty but I was dealing with my parents both having cancer and various other family commitments alongside work. I cared lots but was stretched too thin. She invited me to her birthday meal so I’m guessing she’s not annoyed. I did WhatsApp her a few times too before getting the card to her.

This. People don’t understand.

When my mum died, I had a lot of texts and cards and flowers, and my best friend kept checking on me regularly. I have a lot of siblings so just keeping track of us all was taking up most of my time and it was kind not to give up on me while I was sorting funeral arrangements etc.

By bad luck and timing, lots of friends and family members also had traumatic things going on at the same time. We try to look after each other, but everyone retreats into our own holes.